Sex is FREE!

I introduced him to her. She is great and funny and quirky like most of my other friends. We had a quasi-threesome, about a year ago. She writes a personal journal, we see each other at many sex workshops and parties. It seems I know so much about her. It’s nice to know open and out people who embrace transparency. I am so not there yet, so I admire this about her. Recently she has been “feeling lonely” and writing about it.

I figured he was in her radar and/or the other way around. Whatever goes for me is fine for him too. When you introduce YOUR lover to another person you run the risk of losing them. I am not bisexual so it’s not like I go around organizing threesomes for the sex. So in introducing him to two of my girlfriends I felt I gave him a gift that he might appreciate. I worry more about bringing a guy into my friendship than bringing a girl into my relationship to be honest with you. He may go on and on about how I am the most awesome thing in the world (sexually) but he has only ever been with me. Big fucking deal to be number one out of… well one.

I didn’t seek this poly lifestyle out, I just recently found out there was a word to describe who I am. I am not emulating anyone I know who is poly. I don’t go to poly events. I discuss and draw from my own experience and they tend to dictate my expectations. This lifestyle is something I started fantasizing about when I was about 12. The lifestyle worked for me when I was round twenty and now fifteen years later. I have to tell people I am involved with more than 1 guy sometimes, IN PERSON. However, none of my online profiles have relationship status. I am neither single nor taken and choose mates from a short list of people I have known for years (minimum 6 months.) I knew he existed for 6 months but wasn’t well acquainted with him when we started dating. My boyfriends tend to excuse each other when issues arise but it was different with this one. He got in the easy way, used up my last bit of nerves and the others resent him for it. None know yet…

So for the past few weeks, I have been waiting for him to tell me about how he plans to hook up with her at some point in the future. Not a peep from him.

Yesterday, he wrote a public Facebook note. He specifically called attention to it from a few close friends, her, me and a non-poly girl he has been pursuing for six months. I am para-phrasing his message by telling you how it reads to me rather than what it actually says: “I am so cool because I am poly (here’s the Wikipedia definition for you unitiated fools.) I am boinking two chicks, one for 18 months and a lurve her so much and the other one for a few weeks. And they know and they’re poly and so cool with it. Aren’t I the pimp? What happens if I want to extend myself even more and fall in love with a chick who is not poly. So what will happen then? Please reply.”

Here is where I think: “Wait a second. I didn’t know about this?!”

He decided he was poly after reading a Wikipedia article. He is totally the kind of person who will tell his friends he is a Somellier after a 2-day Oenophilia primer and include in his budget the revenue from a job he has yet to apply for. He will live by a quote from a book he has not yet read and check the square I [heart] Siddhartha Gautama after I tell him that “No, Scientology is NOT cool to people who weren’t born yesterday.” He doesn’t realize that WE (friends, family, me) know he is not “keeping it real”. The fact that he keeps doing this is embarrassing to me because he is the public boyfriend.

In poly circles the cool thing to do is to talk to your lover(s) about your interest in someone else before the sex happens. If all blood has left your brain and gone into your penis and you can’t say: “Well, wait a second, let me talk to my lover, primary partner, whatver.” then the next thing to do is to tell your partner(s) BEFORE you have sex with them again. This has happened to me and I cringed as I told my boyfriend (BF#2) how I sorta wound up unexpectedly having sex with that other guy I met a few months earlier (BF#3). And I asked him if he would still want us to have sex. It’s his prerogative, he has the right to re-asses how much of a risk I am to him. He answered: “Hell yeah, I still want to have sex with you!” maybe a bit too loud for the other diners at Montana Cookhouse. He returned the favour 6 months later by telling me he wanted to have an exclusive relationship with a girl who was non-poly and I stepped aside. He just couldn’t bring himself to do anything other than the right thing and this is why I got back together with him later on. The day I decide to pursue an exclusive relationship I know he will wish me well.

Back to the subject of this post.

I have been pretty much two steps ahead of my him for the past while but he keeps blinding me with really stupid things I didn’t quite consider.

Here’s where I was the day before “The Note”.

I made what he likes for dinner, again. I chose an appropriate movie “Across the Universe” which he seemed to enjoy. I don’t want to micromanage him so did not ask him if he was fucking her. It’s his responsibility to look both ways before crossing the street.
In the fork in the road there were two possible destinations for us

1) He tells me he wants to do her and I respect him for taking the matter into his own hands. But then I have to disclose that he could pass on to me her medical condition and I want avoid it at all cost. Even if he never does I don’t want to spend 24/7 worrying about it. He can choose me or her but not both.

2) He doesn’t tell me beforehand and only later on and I have to dump him.

As you can see he went route number two, adding his own publicly embarrassing twist.

When I brought to his attention that it’s hard for me to be cool with it if I don’t know. He replied (condensed). “My bad, I should have brought it up but it’s a touchy subject… I didn’t want to sound like and ass… I’m poly, I can’t help it it’s just the way I am.”

Argh…

After he told me (last time I tried to dump him) that we should communicate more about our feelings and plans and stuff I said: “I don’t have time anymore to spell everything out for you, you have to make your own mistakes.” In return I vowed to try not to cringe when he decides to run with scissors, just to prove “them” wrong.

So I did reply to tell him to address every “point” in his e-mail. I spelled out exactly how he proceeded to screw up his relationship with me all on his own. Maybe he can learn to take the albeit awkward necessary steps that need to be taken along the way to his swinging cool lifestyle as a poly guy.

Some people might say I am an expeditive bitch. You can also consider that I can make a clear decision based on 20 years of experience in dating and fucking. This is just an insight into the straw that broke the camel’s back. I feel more like a pussy for being forgiving so many times before.

In a poly relationship one of the things I have to consider and communicate on a regular basis is the pecking order. It is a very awkward thing to discuss. I think that I have always made it clear to him that while my child is my priority, my best friend wields the most influence on me, my friends opinion will always win in the end even though he has enjoyed the benefits of being my primary partner over a year. But there is a place in my life for the one who will deserve what I have to offer and will rise higher in the totem pole. In fact I am more available to that now than I have been in the past 3 years.

There is something to be said about being sure. I am sure that faced between two possibilities one being the right thing to do and one being the wrong, deceitful or unethical thing he will gravitate towards the latter every time. I am not dumping him because he does not live up to my dreams, I am dumping him because he exceeds my worst nightmares, every time.

I did take him into “my community”, albeit in a very chaperoned way, and hope my friends will not consider him fully vetted just because I introduced them. Somehow, after meeting her friends, I just don’t think she can stomach him.

“We all need somebody to love” fuck - The Beatles

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