Sex is FREE!

I asked my ex to do some research on The Corey (as well as catch up on BB8) so he could do a follow-up on the letter (from a former Corey point of view.) I think he misunderstood me a bit and at first thought I wanted him to tell the world how I was so wonderful for fixing him. I already have plenty of long written letters, emails and notes written by him specifically thanking me for doing key things to help him and I am not ever throwing them away. I am kind of his Reform School Mistress in a sense and I have kept private 99% of his process over the past few years.

What I have long wanted him to do is own his story. He is ashamed of what happened to him and how he let someone else influence him badly into a downward spiral that could have ended in un-fixable mistakes. But there is no shame in being a teenager and being impressionable. There is no shame in telling the world specifically how things went wrong and what happened along the way. I was a troubled teenager and left home when I was barely 17 as well but that was a really long time ago. His story is fresh and relevant to teenagers who are not likely to judge him so much as recognize their own experiences and WHO in their surrounding poses the greatest danger to them.

The reason why I do not let go of my ex is that everything he does affect two other people. I have been “training” him for almost 2 years to be the primary care taker of two people who REALLY need him. His mother who has a pattern of depression, sickness, helplessness and homelessness (a problem shared by more than 25% of parents.) Even more important he MUST raise his younger brother who is now 13 years old and is entering into the void of teenagedom where everything can go abso-fucking-lutely wrong. I am not talking here about being the man and paying for everything which is some men’s idea of doing ‘enough’ for their family. I am talking more about emotional support, leadership and unconditional love. There is not enough money in the world to buy those things for someone else.

While my ex has had the pleasure of re-building a relationship with his dad over the past year, his little brother has never known his own dad. Obviously, I could snap my fingers and have that guy (who is only 33) found and brought to me tomorrow but if it does not serve a purpose and is not the right time then it is useless. That would be more of a 3-6 month project to vet the dad and assess whether he could be a plus or minus in his child’s life and educate a 13 year old to make the decision for himself as well. That may seem cruel but I sincerely feel that some parents bring nothing to the table and if they abandon their child in infancy or even later they better work damn hard to get the respect and access back. No child owes his parents respect of they have abandoned him or abused them just because they are related by blood. If my ex and I decide that this is a worthwhile project to take on, I will definitely touch on it here.

My ex thinks that I did everything for him but I really didn’t. I made a huge effort not to!!! I simply created an environment for him to do the work himself over and over again. The rest is easy, it’s just being me and living in my non-cahotic, no-drama life with my own awesome well behaved co-parented child. I do not want to police his mom or his little brother and I would rather they give my ex the credit and respect for doing the day-to-day. I was only the one who provided the daily love, hugs and cuddles at the end of a frustrating day. I have gone over my ex’s head to make hard decisions but they were only in times of crisis. I can see clearly in the future and have found that acting quickly and decisively can make a huge difference.

We had a brainstorming session which is turning into a long list of teen issues that are either close to my experience or his. Often they are topics which have affected both of us. 16 years separate our teen stories and so much has changed. I really miss the time when I did not have access to technology that could blow all my teenage stupidity out of proportion. I think that perhaps I made the same mistakes along the way the difference is that I was a girl and he is a guy.

The whole difference in this process is that I am not his mom. I have no specific rules (other than age-appropriateness) and have found that I have a knack for hacking teenage boys (Teenagers are between 13-25 and, quite sadly, getting older every year.) As long as there is no underlying mental illness (psychosis, scociopathy, etc.) I can probably do something good. I did not invent myself a raiser of boys, I have had the pleasure of raising other people’s boys through my life, as a nanny. It was totally random that I got to raise 7 boys and only 1 girl between the ages of 4 months and 10. I recently looked up most of my boys (through their great parents) and they were so proud to tell me how they have become awesome teenagers and young adults (I was only there 1-2 years along the way but made sure to protect these precious treasures.) I have yet to getthe official news on the one who had very cold and dismissive self-involved doctors for parents (these people creeped me out) and I resist the urge to Facebook stalk him I so want to know how he grew up in an environment where money was never an object but time was too precious to spend on menial tasks like the day-to-day raising children. “The Nanny Diaries” made me cry from beginning to end.

But family circumstances and money aside, most teenage boys go awry because of the bad influence of others whether it’s a parent, sibling, supposed friend or unrelated adult in a position of power and influence. With every transgression develops a feeling of powerlessness and that is a huge burden to bear for a teenager.

There is no such thing as “All your dreams are dead” however dire your life seems when you are young.

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