All over the place Friday…
I am going through a lot of changes. For the past few years I have been clouded by physical pain due to a freak accident. However for a little while now it’s been gone. I am still surprised at how my brain has reacted to this. I am feeling incredibly creative however I lack the concentration to do the mathematical work that has been my livelihood for 15 years. I am happy being creative, I just don’t feel like myself and today I am just about to land my first contract with a high profile internet celebrity. I find this very daunting even though the actual work is simply what I do.
Luckily tonight I will have dinner with my best and closest friend and I usually get much perspective from our conversations.
I have been asked a lot of questions about my place in the world of BDSM. Some of these questions are respectful, some not. I find the reaction that strangers have to my blog fascinating as it inadvertently tells me a lot about them! I swear I don’t have multiple personalities… but this blog is also written to arouse, shock or poke at certain people and they know who they are.
Almost 12 years ago I adopted this moniker. It is a wink to the chicks in Austin Power movies. At the time I used to have fun with the idea that I was my husband’s Confidential Italian Secretary. I worked hard at helping him get a job that would use the most of his excellent abilities and reward him accordingly so it was in this capacity that I “secretaried”.
Many years ago, I adopted the Miss. in front of my name. It it supposed be define where I want to be in my circle of kinky friends. I have enjoyed doing things for the Ladies in my circle. It’s logistical service I guess you could call it. Unfortunately my mentors and Ladies have all moved away. I have not been very good at working on finding another Lady or Mistress though I do need it. I sincerely want to go through Mistress training for the experience. I like to be in the room to witness a Lady’s skills.
I always steer clear of the guys at gatherings and parties but I have supplicants of my own. What I love is that I have met NONE of them through “the scene” and none of them really mesh into the social BDSM circles. They are unknowns, they are my secrets.
There is a HUGE advantages to that! I recently had a bad experience that still weighs on me.
I dated someone who has a friend in common. I did not ask for a reference, I did not think it was necessary. The friend found out and volunteered absolutely inappropriate information… even though it was phrased in a positive light. I was really annoyed to be poisoned against someone I liked and barely knew by being told things I did not ask for or wanted to hear. Even though I put no weight on the information, I am still pissed. Such is the disadvantage of the interweaving of “friends” in the poly and kinky circles.
I am truly happy with my little secret world where I have relationships that are one-on-one with no mechanics for anyone to interfere. For the most part my lovers are regular non-poly vanilla guys with an open mind and a sense of humor. Sure I have blended the boyfriends a few times but rarely beyond a brief introduction. There aren’t enough of them to make a baseball team.
Yoshi is a different story. For the past 2 years he has been using A LOT of my time. I feel somewhat responsible for him. Right now I am busy talking about an planning Yoshi’s graduation and reconsidering my role in his life… since he seems adamant about me being there. Yoshi is a great example of my work as a mentor. He has gone through the full force of my personality as a social dominatrix while living with me for over a year. Through these discussions I have found out that he is not ready to graduate. But he has come up with a brill plan to get the that point in an even more significant way. He wants to do his “Masters” which entails writing a thesis. This is a tall order because it requires MUCH self-direction and self-discipline. And I will not let him drag it on forever.
I need time to spend on myself. On my growth as a Domina and as a expert in my field.
Recently I met a delightful guy. It’s like we have nothing in common activity-wise but we match quite well on the sensual side of things. Our temperaments seem to match. The bonus is that he is older than me, he knows who he is and has his shit together. I do not know yet what use I have for him but I have a few ideas. All my relationships are VERY different from one-another so there is a lot of strategic exchanging in the early stages. It is also daunting… to get to know someone new and be able to give it the appropriate attention. He is generous with the insight into how my whole persona makes him feel… what impact it has on his perception of me.
I am a real person, I would never want to come across as a bitch with a chip on her shoulder. If a Domme tells me he/she was born this way I get a delusional or sociopathic vibe from them. If I want to get my jollies from someone powerful I will read biographies of world leaders and CEOs. I may have recognized Mr. M. as someone I wanted to bow to (and admitted to it openly) but I can tell you I don’t meet people like that very often! I have no qualms about saying that my growth as a strong woman has gone through defining steps and a lot of hardships and I try to share them. I have also learned that when people find out I have the most “mojo” in the room they rally and wait for commands. This has been going on since I was in College. It’s somewhat annoying as I do not rule to get, but to give. I do not lead to get power but to give order.
As Yoshi seeks to graduates and makes his own place in the world I feel quite proud, accomplished and more official as a Domina. I have taken a wayward teenager and forged a man! He is not the same person he was and he says he is quite happy for it. He feel safe because I removed chaos from his life and he can now think about what he wants for himself.
I am not a Miss anymore, I am a Ma’am.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
