Still grieving…
This week has been a strange mixture of joy and sorrow.
I am still grieving the loss of Mr. M. My heart is not broken, I don’t feel anger towards him I simply mourn the fact that I lost him and everything that he represented for me. I wanted to give him whatever he wanted and I was quite happy that he took note of that fact even though it did not work out.
This would be the first time in my life that I sincerely fell for someone and then lost him in short order. I guess I have had it too easy as I have fallen in love and seen that love reciprocated and grow for years or decades many times in my life. The love relationship is important to me and It does not matter if circumstances are that we cannot be together everyday or even very often. I’ll go further and say that for me it’s not so much whether the love is reciprocated, but the fact that it is known and accepted as the unconditional gift that it is. When the love is so strong, either way, that it comes out through a Freudian slip then it’s quite precious (or it can be quite embarrassing!)
I’ve never been in a position where it was not reciprocated. Though that is not entirely true, long ago I carried a torch for someone who only came out much later to admit he felt the same (it took me by surprise at first as I had gotten used to the one way thing.) But this feels like a new situation…
At least I did tell Mr. M. about the exact moment I fell in love with him. Okay, it was not that obvious. I’m sure he didn’t get it but I least I said it! What is bewildering is that I fell for him EXACTLY when he said something that made me giddy with laughter, which in turn hurt his feelings! I sometimes wonder how much of this initially awesome relationship was destroyed by unintentionally hurt feelings.
I truly think that once you decide to seek out and define the relationship that you really want through honest and open conversation (about personal things) you open yourself to getting your feelings hurt. That is just part of the process. You have to get over the awkward before you can enjoy the “more awesome than average”.
Having been in a poly lifestyle for 4 years, the awkward doesn’t phase me anymore because I know it leads to more awesome. I am finding out that I am not like most people in that department.
I am not very susceptible though Mr. M. managed to make me cry (unintentionally.) And to that I say “bravo!” because crying is not something I get to indulge in very often! Let’s face it, I am usually in control of social situations. But I reacted to him in an uncontrolled way. When he was being an asshole, I found it charming. When he was being cold, I was intrigued. When he was being defensive, I was regretful. When he was dismissive, I found it arousing. This is totally backwards, it freaked me out and made me very defensive towards him. He did not specifically mention us ceasing communications but I do not write or speak to him anymore. I deleted him (it took me days to finally do it and it made me very sad…)
My affection for him belongs to me and it can be pleasant in its own way. I rarely meet people worth getting all excited about (at any and all levels) I do not regret the brief moment he made his way into my life. I did not invite him, he just showed up! He inspired, tickled and moved me and for that I am really grateful to him. I would ponder things to bring up only to have him beat me to the punch time and time again. He was ahead of me! I was never explicit on how what he said resonated with me. I thought about it a lot though and looked forward to telling him later on in quiet intimate moments when we were not cut off by waiters or technical difficulties. All those ideas dance in my head and I feel the need to let them out. It’s quite hard to write about my naughty introspection, more so than this missive where I admit to the world and those closest to me that I carry a torch for someone who says he does not want to pursue things.
It’s a good thing I never run into him because I would want to put a metaphorical worm on his desk… Would it cause him to “steam” or get really pissed off? But then I would be using him for my own pleasure because he is all kinds of hot whatever his reaction is. I’ve never wanted to toy with him, I always simply told him what I think. I trust in his goodness entirely despite his fiery moments.
Servilia of the Junii has an interesting technique… she wrote what she felt after being abandoned by Julius Caesar on a wax book and dropped it in a crack of Rome… Obviously I do not want to curse Mr. M. I simply want to lay to rest the awesome fantasies he inspired and they can exist on their own as a story. He knows where the crack of Rome is… in fact he is the only one who knows! I have hidden stuff in the crack of Rome before and I do not regret it. I assume they are still there and will be in 1000 years so that historians can ponder about them (or jack off to them.) If Mr. M. wanted to pull out my wax book and read it I wouldn’t even know about it. Thus it preserves our physical and emotional separation. Every time I write another paragraph in my wax book, I am a little more liberated and happier to enjoy the life I do have right now.
These past few weeks I have been privileged to be loved and consoled by the very men I had agreed to leave behind to be with Mr. M. in an intimate and monogamous way. When asked about “that jerk”, I remain succinct. I don’t regret for a minute saying yes to him. I am not afraid to admit it!
I guess I know by now that unconditional honesty breeds unconditional love. It has been truly joyful to celebrate loving relationships that have been happy for so many years. I will continue my journey in polyamory and count my blessings!
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