Doubts and fears.
I don’t doubt myself as much as I used to. Years ago I would feel like I had insight into a situation or into someone’s psyche and tell myself: “Well I can’t possibly be right.” Months and years would pass and I would be faced with the reality that, as a matter of fact I was right and I should have at least brought it up then. Today, I am all up in people’s grill about that sort of stuff. And you may think that I am doing it to be all righteous and superior but you’d be wrong. I want to see how it is received. Because I don’t care so much about your low self-esteem, fears or inhibitions, it’s how you react to being confronted about them that tells me if you are worth my time. I love beautifully imperfect people who are self-aware. Snap!
Years ago I met a boy. He was lovely, creative and imaginative, albeit in a dark tortured way, but quite lovely. One day we met downtown for a bit. I only had 30 minutes to spend with him and used half that time to put him through a little test. Really it’s always the same test… Are you shy?! (And as I write this a collective ‘Oh Shit!’ resonates as all the ex-boyfriends realize that I made them do that embarrassing thing on purpose and for a purpose. But it was fun, wasn’t it?!) So I then discovered that the boy was shy, but not painfully so, just a little too shy to play along in my life of games, pleasure and fulfilled fantasies. Shy is not good. You know, the kind of shy that starts to stack up the “I should haves”, “I could haves” in the back of the brain until they mastecize into cancer of inaction. While we did hang out together again after that, he was just coming out of a traumatic experience and I felt that perhaps it wasn’t the right time to pursue anything more. At the time I wasn’t so much into the violatin’, desecratin’ and complicatin’ because well, I didn’t have enough perspective to see the immense positive outcome and not enough experience to manage the minimal negative ones. I kept and eye on him from afar, noticed that not much happened really, but at least he’s in school doing the usual uni student shtick. Recently, I decided to reopen the conversation and began asking the questions. First thing I notice… He needs a few glasses of courage before facing a simple social challenge. He’s barely 25 years-old. It would be another story if he was 35 years old and needed a drink to face me. That’s just frustrating… While I’m tempted, the path to courage seems clear and fun, I will let him ask for it.
I’ve been struggling with migraines. They are making it hard to concentrate. Incidentally writing what I feel or think is liberating regardless of headaches. When it’s down in the journal or in a story it stops inhabiting my head and new ideas can ruminate. I’ve written a few stories inspired by Mr. M. In the past I referred to them as fantasies, but they are mostly situational and humorous. I am after all a lover of surprises, jokes, pranks and tricks. I have written them in reverse chronological order and in a first person journal format. So the events go from oddly blissful to fucked up in a creepy way, but backwards. So in essence it’s the contrary to what most relationships would be which is going from heavenly to hellish. The situational plot line is amusing to ponder and write, the sex still hard to write. But it must be there as it is an integral part of the character exchanges. But in the episode I am writing now, everything is deliciously eerie and I hope, very suspenseful.
And no you cannot read it, LOL.
Right now I am enjoying my little single vacation. I am loving the courting and conversations that have materialized from BDSM community participation or my writing here and elsewhere. I am in no hurry to get into an intimate physical relationship with anyone. In fact I truly enjoy the fact that I have no idea exactly when I will have sex again.
I’m been getting back into watching TV. So many little xmas gifts to make and package (while watching TV.) I watched The Swimming Pool; somewhat interesting. I’ve been getting into I, Claudius; acting sucks. I’ve decided to finish watching the Fall series, all of which I am 5-6 shows behind. But everything is anti-climatic after watching Rome and it will be a little while before The Tudors, Skins and Damages rolls around again.
Yesterday I actually watched “porn” from beginning to end. Porn is something which I haven’t had any patience for in months and it’s been over a year since I watched a whole flick (It was ‘Je suis a prendre’ from the 70′s which had inspired a first foray into podcasting.) Last night, I watched the first two days of TheTrainingofO.com’s (Harmony Rose’s first series). I must say I am quite impressed. I am fascinated by that building (The Armory) which looks A LOT like institutional Quebec buildings from the 1960′s. In fact I would say that The Armory looks suspiciously similar to an empty building I’ve had my eye on for 10 years in this city. It is frequently rented for movie productions. I am in no way familiar with the work of Kink.com (or any other Internet Porn site for that matter) and this production was the first BDSM themed non-mainstream ‘movie’ I had ever watched. The reason why this one caught my eye is that Harmony Rose gets to confront one particular fear which I have and that is claustrophobia. I remember in college I was doing fencing I almost passed out after the first 5 minutes of wearing the head gear. I walked away from the class crying. This was a scenario that repeated itself many times. I even had a very hard time watching Le Brasier (an excellent coal mining movie) and broke through a window when an old lock malfunctioned in the museum I worked at rendering me stuck in my office. I have never gotten over it, just better at avoiding and hiding it. I can say I felt the fear as Harmony started crying just before James closed the little door in front of the head box. Admittedly TheStoryOfO would be lost on me had I not had any knowledge of BDSM and its process but I did truly enjoy the interactions between the trainers and the trainee. I must say I like The TomCat, the army-style Dyke/Boi trainer. I have a lot of experience of Lady/Dyke dommes and zero experience of male ones. I know who some of the male trainers are but I was not familiar with James (M) before watching this. I’m sure interesting conversations will flow from this discovery!
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
