Sex is FREE; but they get you on the accessories!!!

You know there is a certain advantage to dating chubby blue-eyed geeks. Most of them never bother me with the immediate status of their physical fitness. As if I give a fuck anyway.

While I did have fun taking M0J0D4ddy (a non-chubby blue-eyed geek) to his rigorous macho man classes for a week, I am SUPER annoyed when he dares say he is out of shape!

He is perhaps one of the most fit 45-year-olds on this fuckin’ planet.

Paul Zerh, who is, like Patrick, both a scientist and a Martial Arts black belt, studied what makes Batman possible. It just so happens that Patrick has the physical profile of Batman and the 15 extra years of training he holds are explained by the fact that fictional character Bruce Wayne is barely 30 years-old.

But I live by evidence so…

Witness this clip featuring 28 guys in a martial arts class doing a warm up exercise. This is Patrick’s second 90-minute class for the day. We spent the interim 5 hours walking in downtown Toronto. The exercise consists of holding one’s self in a push up position and counting to twenty while slowly going up and down… and up again. Patrick is on the left wearing a khaki t-shirt. He has bandages on both his arms from wicked mat burns sustained while training in Montreal. As you can see the teacher (one of Canada’s leading Systema instructors) is able to talk through this exercise… and by the end there is only one other person not grunting or visibly struggling through this exercise… Patrick!

As M0j0D4ddy’s aspiring arch-nemesis, I urge anyone who ever hears him complain about being out of shape to kick him (gently so as not to bruise his fabulous behind!!)

He will know that deep down inside that kick comes from me!!!

(Evil grin!)

When I saw Crash (Cronenberg) in 1997, I was repulsed. None of the characters made any sense to me and they had absolutely nothing endearing about them. I also don’t have a car fetish. I watch Top Gear for James May and the overall wit but I have always been afraid of cars, namely dying in a car crash. I have driven by myself only a few times. I’d love to learn how to drive for sports (rally) but driving for practical reasons leaves me cold. I am crap at it too.

I spent some time this weekend talking with Mr. P. about having un-natural experiences involving vehicles. He showed me the brace he wore for three months after being chewed up by a plane. Owies… I, on the other hand, was forcibly raped in the behind by a Mazda Protege (while pinned against my Chrysler Neon.) My freaky vehicular three way doesn’t beat flying into power lines… Mr. P is the only other person I’ve met who also has nerve damage and, having been bolted back together extensively, understands what that does. Oh and did I mention he’s a sadist!

I am officially a kinskter now and I am supposed to understand these things… I ALWAYS side with Ebert on everything but I didn’t in the case of Crash. But things make a bit more sense now. Crash was more interesting the second time around, in fact, I can say I had forgotten about most of the first part because the second part annoyed me so much! The characters are still somewhat cold and not that endearing. Yeah, super hottie James Spader manages to come off un-sexy most of the movie!

At least now, I can appreciate people who’s fetishes make little sense to me, just like, I am sure, some of my inclinations make no sense to others.

Everything meets somewhere…

For instance, the day before, I had written part of a story that has one character initiating sex while the other one is crying. Most readers would exclaim “No, that is the worst time to be initiating sex!” This was how I felt the first time I watched the very last scene of Crash!

To check another movie off my ‘to watch list’, I started watching Caligula a month ago. I gave up… Should I even bother to watch the whole thing? John Hurt plays Caligula in I, Claudius… I think that will be much better to watch (when I get to it.)

I wonder if we all have little things we do to hurt ourselves. One thing that has been constant through my whole life is biting my nails. However, at certain times in my life I have stopped. I associate that with times of certainty, happiness and love. The last time I bit my nails was October 3, 2008. I woke up, looked at my hands and I was so ashamed of myself. I wanted to cancel on my lunch date. I was already SUPER stressed about that day anyway because I had to make “the decision”. But I could not fuck up any part of this important day so I got dressed and headed out to the nail salon and got fake nails! I just wanted everything to be perfect. And it was a perfect day. I kept the fake nails for a few weeks and since then I really haven’t been interested in biting my nails. They have never looked so nice in my whole life. It may seem like an insignificant detail but to me it’s HUGE and it feels awesome.

I have been really annoyed with these lose weight ads that shows up every 2 pages on Facebook. Teresacenric decided to publish her own counter ads. Now I am getting all sorts of evil ideas!

My daughter loves Hannah Montana and for once I agree with a 7 year old’s choice of music idol. Miley Cyrus is undeniably talented and as long as she continues releasing the kind of music she introduced us to on her “Introducing Miley Cyrus” album she will do well.

What really annoys me though is that the media is so tired of Lindsay, Britney and Paris that they are trying to make every little thing Miley does out to be slutty, whorish and bad.

Adults use younger and younger kids every year in order to make money and I find this page unacceptable (Best Week Ever My Lil’ Miley Facebook Application.)

When Annie Leibovitz took a picture of Sting muddy and naked on a dry lake I was all like “wow!” Did the media make a fuss about it, start writing articles about his privates or making comments about every detail of his body? No.

When Annie Leibovitz took a picture of Whoopi Goldberg in a bathub full of milk, did anybody make a fuss? No.

Then Annie Leibovitz took a picture of Miley Cyrus in a bed sheet. People started crying wolf, making a huge fuss enough to prompt Cyrus to tell the world she was “embarrassed”. This whole fiasco is mostly embarrassing to Annie Leibovitz who delivered a bland, very boring portrait of Cyrus proving that she consulted with Cyrus and her entourage during the shoot. It was not at all inappropriate or shocking! In 10 years, this portrait will have historical significance but for now it is just a boring portrait of a 15 year old girl in a bed sheet.

Annie Leibovitz is one of the most innovative and talented photographers of our era yet most people in America don’t know or understand her work.

Sometimes it seems that people in the media are just too young or ignorant to analyze a situation within it’s real context considering history in the process. They just yap like little dogs at everything that walks by hoping to stir controversy and fill airtime.

To which he replied “Thank you ”. And to be honest with you that is the only appropriate answer to my compliment. I judge people by my own standards and I rarely explain these to others. Truly compatible people seem to know what I mean.

For instance the highest level that can be achieved in physical attractiveness is “Yummy”. But yummy-ness is not achieved by being cute alone. There has to be something else going on there. Take the cast of this season’s Beauty and The Geek. One may gravitate towards Tommy Severo (the sweater vest enthusiast) as the cutest but there was only one Yummy candidate this season: Jim Babcock (The video game programmer.) In fact both these guys are at the complete opposite of the second axis of yummi-ness. One is incredibly stuck-up when it comes to sex and the other one seems eager to get some (as it was obvious how Jim interacted with Tiffany at the Football game and beyond. ) So for me being halfway decent look-wise is completely useless if I can’t work with you.

I was disappointed that Jim got the boot before the makeover. Anyone who hides behind so much hair and tries to pass as a shaggy dog needs a makeover. He got his makeover last week and I was not that surprised by the results. I thought he would turn out looking more Gyllenhaal than Gosling. But it’s cool how he has no idea who Ryan Gosling is. That’s why I like geeks.

So back to the blow job worthiness thing.

Oral sex used to be my favorite thing (hence why I came up with the blow job worthiness index) but I have not had that many blow job worthy guys in my life for the past few years. In fact some guys think I am not into oral sex at all… Well maybe it’s because you’re just not that blow-job worthy! I am not saying I am that great at it by any means. A few months ago I lost a “suck-off” by a huge margin! The only reason I was not crushed by this loss is that it was to a trans guy who explained in detail how his technique was acquired so he would be accepted by gay men as one of their own. Well jaded oversexed gay men are definitely not my main “clientele”. My blow job non-technique is “put it in my mouth and enjoy”.

(UPDATE: Apparently I did not lose the “suck-off” in question LOL.)

I cannot tell you how many social conversations at semi-business events I have had with guys where after the fact I figured out that all they wanted from me was a blow job. All that staring at my boobs and making comments about my lips had nothing to do with Web 2.0. Life must be boring after you make it to C.T.O. or V.P. because those are the guys who are most often guilty of trying to get a quick fix with a total stranger. Not classy! Trying to pick me up is a bit useless because I definitely need time to confirm a connection and that can take me 4-6 months no matter how hot, rich or famous you think you are. The best way to get close to me is to figure out a way for us to spend time together by doing cool fun geeky things. That’s way more complicated than dating. This is how I approach people I dig as well.

Now the honor of being blow-job worthy can only be bestowed on someone who will go out of his way to do something for me without any expectation of getting something in return. since I have met him Mr. Sys Admin has done really cool unexpected things that often totally make my day. We met at a Midori “Bondage for Lovers” class and his first impression of me was seeing me tie up a 19-year old boy with ripped up bed sheets! Later he called me out of the blue to ask me to be his partner at a 2-day rope bondage class. Not only was that class fun but I got to tie him up in all sorts of cool ways! Did I mention he is yummy?! He is quite geeky as well which makes him a triple threat. Out of the blue last year he just kissed me. I was way too surprised to do anything about it. We’ve had long discussions (some live some chats) that delved into BDSM negotiations and it’s always remained quite intellectual and pleasant. Both of us have jobs and partners who seem to use up all the free time so I very rarely get to see him in person.

This weekend he helped me set up my Linux server the right way. I was supposed to go to his place but decided not to go pass along my cold to him.

So if I ever tell you you are blow job worthy you should just say thank you an be happy that I regard you as being in the small top tier of awesome keen guys on this planet. I am not really saying you deserve a blow job from me specifically as much as…

ETA: My submission to Lickety Split‘s ‘Risk’ issue. Not ‘Risqué’ enough so I post it here.

In the past year my body has changed. For 14 years I struggled with an insulin-resistance condition that drastically altered my body and my brain. The most drastic effect was not the abnormal weight gain but the lack of a menstrual cycle. I don’t mind being overweight, I hated not feeling much like a girl.

For some reason, as my body grew older I grew out of that condition and now enjoy a normal menstrual cycle. I am also gradually loosing weight. I even have PMS! In many ways I am 13 years old again, gifted with a changing body and brain and not too sure what to make of them.

But I wouldn’t want to change it. I know that what lies ahead is a thinner body. Who knows, maybe my more chemically balanced body will learn how to tone the skin it doesn’t need anymore. At least I hope it will! I must learn to mourn the loss of what little junk I had in my trunk. I’m not going to stuff my ass with implants or wear padded panties, a 1950s trend that is coming back today.

I will continue to evaluate my body in a qualitative way, not a quantitative way. Is my body doing for me what I want it to do? Aside from the perpetually sore back I acquired in a close encounter with a Mazda Protégé, I feel that my body mostly does what I want it to do.

I am happy with me.

Apparently that is not good enough, I now need a Designer Vagina and a G-Spot Augmentation! Those crazy procedures are not new, I’m just surprised they are not going away.

On Designer Vaginas…

A designer vagina is what you get when a surgeon nips and tucks the labia (inner lips) so they are not as visible anymore. The labia is the part of a woman’s vagina that becomes engorged with blood during sexual pleasure. It’s not that obvious but if you must really see for yourself, I would suggest Lea De Mae in Private’s Dangerous Things. I’ve heard of guys fantasizing about a more protruding labia, never the other way around. It’s one of those ways a guy knows he is a decent lover. Don’t snip them away!

Patients who sought genitoplasty “uniformly” wanted their vulvas to be flat and with no protrusion, similar to the prepubescent look of girls in Western fashion ads, they found. Findings of Sarah Creighton, Gynaecologist and Lih Mei Liao, clinical psychologist,
Via AFP on breitbart.com

My vagina doesn’t look similar to the prepubescent look of girls in Western fashion ads and it shouldn’t. I actually love the fact that I am invisible to men who are in into the prepubescent look of girls in Western fashion ads! These men used to bug the hell out of me when I was twelve and I’m so relieved I grew out of their radar.

However, I have to admit that the prettiest vagina I ever saw up close was surgically created. Years ago I met someone who had just had her SRS. She walked wobbly and and sat on a cushion. She promised to do a show and tell one day. And last year she did and for a few hours I had total vagina envy!

On the G-Spot Augmentation…

I first read about the G-Spot Augmentation it in Emmanuelle Richard’s blog in 2004 but I dismissed it and went on with my life. This is an injection made into or close to the G-Spot, making it larger. It’s efficacy is un-proven medically, I have yet to find credible patient accounts. The list of possible complications is horrific (taken from the the patient consent form.) Moreover, each injection costs up to 2,000$ and lasts about 4 months. Don’t plastic surgeon also take that oath that basically means: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it!

Two years ago today I was in a workshop given by my friend Viky about the G-Spot and Female Ejaculation. My friend Jess was also there and she wrote about it. We women are under so much pressure today. Not only do we have to do all the same things the guys do, we have to look perfect doing it even though the baby puked on us. Now it appears we also have to ejaculate like men do.

Enter the G-Spot, mysterious source of pleasure misunderstood by the masses. It took me 18 months to crack that one. I didn’t seriously work on it though, I have other things to do, but sure enough it happened. All this time to figure out that while it’s very entertaining, I can’t shut it off! Dammit!

I met a girl named Waterfall last October. She is a very happy-go lucky person. She makes sure to wear Depends whenever she knows she will find herself in an exciting situation. And believe me that is not a fail-proof solution. T, a girl I hung out with after her encounter with Waterfall wondered how she would feel walking home. Her pants were absolutely soaked! I don’t want to wear Depends, at least not for another 30 years!

So this whole G-Spot thing hasn’t really paid off for ME, but that is fine because I am a sexually active woman with normal sexual function. If I want to take my sex life to another level I have to look to ME to educate myself and work on it with my lover. And if my lover doesn’t want to accept me the way I am or learn how to please me well I will just find another one.

I believe we have a miss-conception of what is normal sex. Is a guy sky-diving on his bike really showing us the true pleasure of cycling? No, but it’s cool to look at. We already know that porn is not a real representation of how people have sex but why do we buy into it anyway?

I will not turn to dubious devices, drugs or surgery to enhance what is normal.

The risk is too high.