Sex is FREE!

This might seem like a simple thing to do and it’s pretty strange that the subject hasn’t come up yet. So mommy should say: “So some girls like girls and they are called Lesbians!” End of story.

However, what happens when my daughter meets my dozen girlfriends and identifies them as lesbians. Will they bite her head off like they bite mine off when I ever utter the “L” word? My friends who would identify as lesbians are actually in the closet (one even to ME!) and all others identify as something else. They are “Queer” or some other term I suspect they may have made up like “hottiesexual” (all fun terms to mean bisexual.) For the most part I do not want to get into what each one of these terms means to a 7-year old who fast forwards through the kissing in High School Musical.

My only bisexual girlfriend whom I “really” like, and my daughter met once, decided to be a dude so I already explained the situation to my daughter. This is a way more complicated subject that I take to heart because it took me 20 years of pondering to understand what gender is and is not.

My daughter may not remember it but she has a girlfriend who likes to kiss girls (who’s married mom keeps hitting on me) however they have moved to the US. Originally I was annoyed that she would go around kissing the other girls, including mine, because of germs but then let it go.

But even then, someone who kissed a girl and liked it is not exactly a lesbian or even bisexual for that matter!

My daughter loves Hannah Montana and for once I agree with a 7 year old’s choice of music idol. Miley Cyrus is undeniably talented and as long as she continues releasing the kind of music she introduced us to on her “Introducing Miley Cyrus” album she will do well.

What really annoys me though is that the media is so tired of Lindsay, Britney and Paris that they are trying to make every little thing Miley does out to be slutty, whorish and bad.

Adults use younger and younger kids every year in order to make money and I find this page unacceptable (Best Week Ever My Lil’ Miley Facebook Application.)

When Annie Leibovitz took a picture of Sting muddy and naked on a dry lake I was all like “wow!” Did the media make a fuss about it, start writing articles about his privates or making comments about every detail of his body? No.

When Annie Leibovitz took a picture of Whoopi Goldberg in a bathub full of milk, did anybody make a fuss? No.

Then Annie Leibovitz took a picture of Miley Cyrus in a bed sheet. People started crying wolf, making a huge fuss enough to prompt Cyrus to tell the world she was “embarrassed”. This whole fiasco is mostly embarrassing to Annie Leibovitz who delivered a bland, very boring portrait of Cyrus proving that she consulted with Cyrus and her entourage during the shoot. It was not at all inappropriate or shocking! In 10 years, this portrait will have historical significance but for now it is just a boring portrait of a 15 year old girl in a bed sheet.

Annie Leibovitz is one of the most innovative and talented photographers of our era yet most people in America don’t know or understand her work.

Sometimes it seems that people in the media are just too young or ignorant to analyze a situation within it’s real context considering history in the process. They just yap like little dogs at everything that walks by hoping to stir controversy and fill airtime.

If history serves us right, next week we’ll get a Beauty & The Geek reunion show. Again this year I did not write much about the season because I wound up watching episodes days if not weeks later. Based on my interaction with geeks from years past, I know they like intelligent discourse on how outsiders perceive them so here I go, praisin’ some and dissin’ some.

I can only imagine how watching BATG can be cathartic for some beauties or geeks on the other side of the TV. This year’s most cathartic moment was watching Amber & Tommy. Amber appears to be a waste of space but she is very attractive physically. So for me watching someone so gorgeous work so hard for cock was really entertaining! Sure it sounds like I am dissing Amber but I am sure she will find herself a rich husband who will appreciate how decorative she can be.

I was truly rooting for Matt and Leticia to win it all.

Congrats to Tommy and Amanda for winning, they worked well together. I hope Tommy watched the show and did not let Amber spend all his money. She was very specific about using Tommy to everyone, except Tommy. I encourage him to tap that if “dating a supermodel” is what he HAS to do. Hey, I’d totally go on a date with Marilyn Manson but be careful what you wish for.

My word of advice to the Tommies of the world:

Hookers charge a fixed price by the hour for a specific service
Gold diggers on the other end, never tell you how much it’s gonna cost or if you’ll even get anything for the pleasure of giving them “gifts”.
Cuddles and kisses from sweethearts who like you for your choice of sweater vests are absolutely free!

This year’s sweetest and most awesome Beauty and The Geek Moment is pictured below.

Leticia returns after winning the plumbing challenge by a landslide. Matt hugs and congratulates her. He tells Leticia he will fix her something. She says he doesn’t have to. He firmly replies: “No, you’re getting something!” That nearly gave me an orgasm!

In one short moment, Matt Carter announced to the world that he is a keeper!

I already chimed in on Jim, the yummiest one. In my opinion he was the most under-explored geek of the season. I think that perhaps he may be too shy to let anyone explore him LOL

I re-opened the commenting. Please comment below instead of sending them by e-mail.

Now I try to get into Big Brother Australia. The cast is superbly odd !

Detail’s Blog takes on Crazy Chicks. Yes, guys do like crazy girls and I don’t say that because I am crazy but because I like to observe.

There is no bigger heartbreak than to invest months of “getting-to-know-you” time into the most jaw-dropping sexy geeky perfect guy ever and watch the crazy girl waltz in, fuck him and talk her way into his apartment within a month. And then it’s heartbreaking again when you hear the smidge of regret in his voice a week later. Then it’s even more heartbreaking to hear her give me this advice: “Well if you like them you better move in and fuck them else you’ll be stuck in the friend zone forever!” Next time I am in her presence I will bring ear plugs because she always manages to say things that are deeply insulting to me. I have given up on him because according to BF#1 the chances of him breaking up with her are slim because he is the kind of guy who is loyal and always wants to do the right thing. (In poly-world I could aspire to being GF#2 but since GF#1 values spontaneous fucking around and devalues his preference for <gesticular quoting>relationships</gesticular quoting>, that would just make my head explode.)

Sigh…

It’s not like this has never happened before. In 1991, I was on the verge of getting back together with my high school sweetheart but the girl he had recently dated threatened to kill herself. Heck, I can’t compete with that kind of crazy! I always bow out of those challenges, turn around and walk away briskly.

I take a very long time to get to know a guy just for that reason. I cannot afford to be with someone who is weak in the presence of a crazy girl but to a certain extent, all guys are. More on that later.

Right now I have my sight set on a guy I totally fell for at first sight over 18 months ago. I have never made a move on him but I observe from afar and read between the lines of his Facebook statuses. Nope, none of them contain any secret messages to me unless of course he mentions me by name LOL I’ve never felt that I had to make a move on him because I know I will run into him again. It would help though if I went to see his shows instead of going to bed at 8pm on Saturday night! Alright, I have missed all the events I am supposed to run into him! He is a fuckin’ Rock star with fans galore but comes off as reserved and not at all promiscuous. I don’t think he has any idea how awesome I think he is and even if he did, he would lump my interest in with the adulation that he gets from the hundreds of suicide girls (and gay men) who send him Xs and Os everyday. Through my patience and attention to his career I have found myself working with the Rock star in him. Though I must admit when I have to deal with the Rock star I filter it out and I observe the traditional small town Catholic boy raised with military precision. I think that represents 75% of who he is but I have to admit that I admire him for breaking so far out of that mold and making himself into an extravagant celebrity. I know I am making assumptions based on what he does, says or writes but consider that what a man does speaks volumes about his character… It is 1000% more indicative of who he is compared to let’s say… what he might say about himself on a first date!

The only reservation I would have about being with him is that he would not be my first famous or incredibly popular acolyte and it’s really hard to get quiet time with someone like that. There is always someone who calls, interrupts our conversations, stops them at street corners or starts screaming in the near vicinity of my ears (ouch!) Through all of this I know that there is 99% chance that one of the many, many, many profusely tattooed, pierced and pink-haired extravagant beauties he sees everyday will come in and swoop him off his feet before I even get to our first face-to-face sit down chat. I expect that chat to happen in the near future but that will probably be too late. For that I am not getting my hopes up.

You know, the last time I was so incredibly enamored with a boy, I found out that he had a secret crush on me… 6 years later! I have had countless long-term relationships based on an early connection like this hence why I am like “Well if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” about it. I like to celebrate knowing somebody who is worth getting all excited about. I only meet one crush-worthy person each year, I better make the most of it! These are people I instantly absolutely adore and none of them (in 20 years) have ever turned out to be assholes so I must be a good judge of character.

Let’s go back 4 years.

- 2004: My Scottish Boy (BF #2) I love him so!
- 2005: Boyfriend #3 (now-ex) AND the girl-friend that is becoming the boy-friend
- 2006: The blow-job worthy sys admin
- 2007: The subject of most of this entry who’s nickname will either become “My Sweetheart” or “That Guy who Thinks I’m His Crazy Stalker”. Time will tell.

(Before 2004 I was in two back-to-back long term monogamous relationships lasting almost 12 years.)

I am very patient and my patience has served me right over the years. I have two partners who are secure and I trust that they will not put their life (or mine) in danger because of some crazy bitch. Okay perhaps I am editing the news here… One of them was temporarily distracted by a self-serving bitch on the rebound and bent on revenge but he still maintains she is not a bitch. She broke his heart and dumped him for the first guy that came along and luckily she is now locked away in marriage and into the dream-house her husband can’t really afford. I had correctly calculated that it would cost me about 3 months of time away from my sweetie (kudos on me telling my girlfriend how it would go down and being right) But I also lost another 6 months because he was sorry and hiding in shame. (If you read this sweetie I hope you know that I will never interfere, I trust that you can learn to protect yourself and that the next one will be “The One”. I am more worried about you when you go on your crazy extreme sports trips in the middle of nowhere and I pray that nobody dies on this one!!!)

After 4 years of thinking about who I am today and what I want out of life I am open to having a primary partner. That is someone I live with and love through encouragement, kinky sex and good cooking. Even though I am far away from being financially secure, I already have the house in the suburbs and the most fantastic daughter (as voted on by most other parents in a 4 mile radius!) My biological clock is not ticking even though I wish I could be a doting auntie to my two (soon to be three) nieces in Quebec City. I am not looking for some guy to complete me or take me shopping. The only consideration I have is for character and the other things I think all men should strive to accomplish (Yummyness, blow-job worthyness and mad skillz.) I am simply looking for someone who loves me, accept me the way I am and encourage me in my odd complicated pass-times.

Part of the reason I will not make the first move is because I want to be with someone who really wants to be with me and will make an effort. But as I wrote in my last post: He must be well-informed as to what he is getting into. My #1 crush knows me professionally now. As far as I am concerned, I am still in the “doesn’t know I exist” category.

Why am I complex? I am 75% Martha Stewart, 25% Nina Hartley and overjoyed when I encounter a guy who is astute enough and confident enough to call me on it.

Unfortunately a lot of guys my age are into young crazy girls who brings excitement and chaos into their boring life. The Internet appears to be how they find tons of those if I judge from the online dating landscape. Yet most will admit (and I do ask!) that they know they are shopping at Bitches’R'Us. There they find a semblance of excitement and lots of grief and walk away still hungry. But these guys cannot take the non-crazy that I bring to the table. I don’t do crazy things “in the name of love” and that comes of as cold to a guy who needs validation.

Heck, I am not immune to suicide boys myself. I cannot tell you how many times I have told The Paper Boy that I fear my friends and lovers will discredit me for years for sticking with him through all the grief he put me through. Our relationship is the most drama-filled 18 months I have ever had. A lot of it is not directly his fault though, it was a few people around him who stir the pot and get on my last nerve with their drama. The silver lining to it is that I appear to have set him straight and he is profusely thankful for it. I am being unfair by lumping an immature teenage boy with possibly insane crazy girls (who are adults.)

I do not admire a guy who lets a girl walk all over him. Those things include not letting him see his friends alone (removing the support group), dictate how he spends his money (financial control), yell hysterically over everything (make him think he has done something wrong and must apologize again) and worse yet, fake pregnancies and break all his shit.

The only way to redeem yourself in my eyes after that is to learn from it and become crazy-bitch-fortified.

I swear I was just doing research but I went to see College Humour’s Hottest College Girl contest and my head exploded. How am I supposed to choose between these two. I can’t tell them apart! Though they are quite beautiful, they represent a very narrow definition of American Beauty. When we do something similar here in Montreal, we should not have this problem!

ETA: My submission to Lickety Split’s ‘Risk’ issue. Not ‘Risqué’ enough so I post it here.

In the past year my body has changed. For 14 years I struggled with an insulin-resistance condition that drastically altered my body and my brain. The most drastic effect was not the abnormal weight gain but the lack of a menstrual cycle. I don’t mind being overweight, I hated not feeling much like a girl.

For some reason, as my body grew older I grew out of that condition and now enjoy a normal menstrual cycle. I am also gradually loosing weight. I even have PMS! In many ways I am 13 years old again, gifted with a changing body and brain and not too sure what to make of them.

But I wouldn’t want to change it. I know that what lies ahead is a thinner body. Who knows, maybe my more chemically balanced body will learn how to tone the skin it doesn’t need anymore. At least I hope it will! I must learn to mourn the loss of what little junk I had in my trunk. I’m not going to stuff my ass with implants or wear padded panties, a 1950s trend that is coming back today.

I will continue to evaluate my body in a qualitative way, not a quantitative way. Is my body doing for me what I want it to do? Aside from the perpetually sore back I acquired in a close encounter with a Mazda Protégé, I feel that my body mostly does what I want it to do.

I am happy with me.

Apparently that is not good enough, I now need a Designer Vagina and a G-Spot Augmentation! Those crazy procedures are not new, I’m just surprised they are not going away.

On Designer Vaginas…

A designer vagina is what you get when a surgeon nips and tucks the labia (inner lips) so they are not as visible anymore. The labia is the part of a woman’s vagina that becomes engorged with blood during sexual pleasure. It’s not that obvious but if you must really see for yourself, I would suggest Lea De Mae in Private’s Dangerous Things. I’ve heard of guys fantasizing about a more protruding labia, never the other way around. It’s one of those ways a guy knows he is a decent lover. Don’t snip them away!

Patients who sought genitoplasty “uniformly” wanted their vulvas to be flat and with no protrusion, similar to the prepubescent look of girls in Western fashion ads, they found. Findings of Sarah Creighton, Gynaecologist and Lih Mei Liao, clinical psychologist,
Via AFP on breitbart.com

My vagina doesn’t look similar to the prepubescent look of girls in Western fashion ads and it shouldn’t. I actually love the fact that I am invisible to men who are in into the prepubescent look of girls in Western fashion ads! These men used to bug the hell out of me when I was twelve and I’m so relieved I grew out of their radar.

However, I have to admit that the prettiest vagina I ever saw up close was surgically created. Years ago I met someone who had just had her SRS. She walked wobbly and and sat on a cushion. She promised to do a show and tell one day. And last year she did and for a few hours I had total vagina envy!

On the G-Spot Augmentation…

I first read about the G-Spot Augmentation it in Emmanuelle Richard’s blog in 2004 but I dismissed it and went on with my life. This is an injection made into or close to the G-Spot, making it larger. It’s efficacy is un-proven medically, I have yet to find credible patient accounts. The list of possible complications is horrific (taken from the the patient consent form.) Moreover, each injection costs up to 2,000$ and lasts about 4 months. Don’t plastic surgeon also take that oath that basically means: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it!

Two years ago today I was in a workshop given by my friend Viky about the G-Spot and Female Ejaculation. My friend Jess was also there and she wrote about it. We women are under so much pressure today. Not only do we have to do all the same things the guys do, we have to look perfect doing it even though the baby puked on us. Now it appears we also have to ejaculate like men do.

Enter the G-Spot, mysterious source of pleasure misunderstood by the masses. It took me 18 months to crack that one. I didn’t seriously work on it though, I have other things to do, but sure enough it happened. All this time to figure out that while it’s very entertaining, I can’t shut it off! Dammit!

I met a girl named Waterfall last October. She is a very happy-go lucky person. She makes sure to wear Depends whenever she knows she will find herself in an exciting situation. And believe me that is not a fail-proof solution. T, a girl I hung out with after her encounter with Waterfall wondered how she would feel walking home. Her pants were absolutely soaked! I don’t want to wear Depends, at least not for another 30 years!

So this whole G-Spot thing hasn’t really paid off for ME, but that is fine because I am a sexually active woman with normal sexual function. If I want to take my sex life to another level I have to look to ME to educate myself and work on it with my lover. And if my lover doesn’t want to accept me the way I am or learn how to please me well I will just find another one.

I believe we have a miss-conception of what is normal sex. Is a guy sky-diving on his bike really showing us the true pleasure of cycling? No, but it’s cool to look at. We already know that porn is not a real representation of how people have sex but why do we buy into it anyway?

I will not turn to dubious devices, drugs or surgery to enhance what is normal.

The risk is too high.

When I am not busy scarring my own child for life, I like to read about how other parents are scarring their own child for life.

Of course, I am tempted to give this award to Oklahoma representative Sally Kerns who rants against homosexuals while she thinks only her base is listening. She is a former schoolteacher who is married to a pastor and has two grown sons… errr, one son because she disowned the gay one and recently removed mention of both of them from her official page.

But today I wanted you to put yourself in the body of a 6 year old pageant contestant. She comes home from school one day to find her mom had her pageant photos professionally retouched to this:

from this:

But I have to admit this whole pageant crazyness is very inspiring and if I ever write a pageant related story it will be quite horrific and tragic. I don’t see how I could ever put a positive spin on it.

Source: queenbeanantiques on eBay