Sex is FREE; but they get you on the accessories!!!

I’m old now, I should be more aware of how I deal with stuff. I noticed that when something bad happens, I am always the one that manages everyone until they feel better. And then it’s my turn to sit down and cry. But by then everyone else has moved on and I feel all alone. And it’s been like this for a few days now.

I am a very strict manager of drama and I never want to involve anyone else into it espescially if it CAN be contained and managed discreetly. And I am very proud to have been on top of all this drama for the past three weeks in a way that should prevent any more drama from popping up out of left field.

But I need a hug. SO I’ve scheduled myself ten, just to make sure it sticks.

All that being said, I am so looking forward to my upcoming event because it is coming together so well and it is very fun to have so many people write to me to tell me how much they are looking forward to meet M0j0D4ddy or see him again. I have people signing up AGAIN for the same classes they took 2 years ago! However since he is a constant student of martial arts his classes evolve with the latest techniques and all his students should continue to learn new skills every time around.

On Saturday I am going to see HeShe Kisses with Dukes of Drag at Sala Rossa (4848 St-Laurent) It’s the show of the year and they always make me laugh until I cry! I really want to go with LadyC. I mean I’ve been ‘dating’ her man and we haven’t even gone out together yet! Let’s make it fair!!

I have spent too much time over the past three days killing people with kindness. I have a migraine from it but it’s not necessarily what is foremost on my mind. I was expecting an unpleasant phone conversation with CJO tonight but when issues are addressed immediately, it’s always less awkward than expected.

Last night I went over to LadyC’s house to hang out with her hubby Erus. She is out of town and asked me to husband sit. Her intentions being that I actually sit on her husband but of course I’m not going to do that! But certainly the fact that she pimped out her man for a date is really cute and I think she and I will get along quite well!

Yep, I went over to a total stranger’s house LOL Stranger is a bit of a stretch because friends of friends are hardly such strangers. I live by the friends of friends rule. We had dinner and I played Guitar Hero III (Crap songs 4 a crap guitarist LOL) while he tried patiently to put this celtic knot ring back together. After two years I just want to puke when I see it, I have lost all patience. We spent a lot of time talking about TheBaku and wondering what the deal is with him. I talked to him last night and AGAIN he went on and on about how “I’m all set ‘cuz I’m dating left and right” rather than push his own agenda.

Supercalifragilisticexpialedocious!

There you go. Safe word called. No more interrogating unless it’s about me and not anybody else.

Something in my modem went awry! Being offline for 24 hours was not pleasant!

I had mentioned somewhere that I’m heterosexual because all the women I know and am attracted to are transitioning to become men one after the other. This kind of implies that they were men all along and perhaps I recognized that subconsciously as we met. But I wouldn’t want to say I have special FtM detection powers or anything!?! I found out that yet another one is going to follow suit and it’s still under wraps. It was fun that we were together this weekend and there were NO OTHERS from our usual crowd so we got to hang out an cuddle for a quite a while. It was the first time in three years we got to do that. Her friends are totally cool as well. Here’s the best lesson on friendship I can pass along. Stick to friends who are absolute gems. They may not be very available compared to total losers but they will invariably attract ONLY people who are gems as well and then it gets really interesting really fast!

I think my surroundings have been loser-free for almost a decade (other than the obligatory family assholes I’ve had to put up with.) Moving to Montreal was my wake-up call to clean up my life. Also, throwing myself into a mosh pit of queer-girl fabulousness (via the Unholy Army) was the best way to learn how to develop awesome friendships with women. I have to keep working at it because well, like I said before they are transitioning into men left and right or moving away! I am still terrified of vanilla girls, espescially their habit of judging me for my kinky inclinations. Shrug…

Speaking of vanilla girls… I remember telling Mr. M on U.S. Thanksgiving that I was hoping Yoshi getting a job at The Coffee Shop would let him meet new girls to keep him busy and ease our separation. Well he did exactly that! And she is so adorable and I am ever so proud of Yoshi AND he is such a Dom LOL Obviously there is more to this than what I will write here and when I told TheBaku a month ago he didn’t believe me Yoshi could find someone who fit a very specific profile… Well his head will explode pretty soon!!!

I am so late on everything! I am not sure this will have a Part III yet.

It’s a rambling journal entry!

Fell asleep quite late last night. I am obviously high on oxytocin and endorphins and it’s keeping me awake. But at least it’s productive and inspired awake. I have figured out many novel ways to execute a bunch of plans. And Lord knows I load myself with overly eccentric goals and plans. But I decided that in 2009 I am going to do a lot of cool stuff, from simple pleasures to seemingly impossible plots.

Sometimes I just need to have the guts to ask for what I want.

I had an eventful three days resulting in a LOT of things to process. All good things really. I had a plan to have lunch with Lloyd Jr., drinks with TheBaku and dinner with Bearded DiCaprio on Friday. That was overly ambitious and too last minute to pull off (okay maybe the fact that it was -75 didn’t help either.) I was however quite tickled that my sweetie made me dinner. He ALWAYS takes me out to dinner unless I make him something. Unfortunately the freezing and thawing of my toes during travel to Verdun gave me the worst migraine… so we skipped out on playing Rock Band.

While I was on my way to Bearded DiCaprio’s (I waited for the train 1 hour!) I suddenly started wondering what it would be like to live with Mr. P. It’s all pragmatic really, I am getting tired of paying a fortune for this huge house. House = Yeah. Rent = Bleh. So Saturday afternoon, of course, Mr. P goes all U-Haul on me. WTF?! But really it’s for the same pragmatic reasons as me. It’s more complicated than that. But we didn’t talk about it when we went out Saturday. He and I are very bad at communicating that we are friends. Everyone thinks we are a romantic couple. We are friends with benefits but we are not fuck friends. Are you confused also!? Then your confusion amuses us greatly. Mr. P and I get along swimmingly and he has passed my six month consideration process (the amount of time it takes me to develop trust and become attached to someone.) But then Mr P. listens to me talking to someone else and says: “I didn’t know you were looking for a husband?!” Duh! So we obviously have more discussions to have.

On Saturday I also ran into TheBaku. I was haaappeee to see him! I got interrogated AND lectured by him! Oh yes he did! After inquiring about who I was with at the party, he proceeded to share his opinion on my propensity to spend quality time with my exes. On top of that, this conversation happened after Mr. P purposefully malfunctioned my attire to embarrass me. I have to give it to him, TheBaku has character AND a sense of humor! I’ve been a fan what he does for a while and I am becoming a fan of who he is. But sincerely, there are already way too many people in my life with ADD!!! Maybe next time I see him I will be interrogated, lectured AND scolded LOL Progress is good in a relationship and he does it in a very sweet way! It would be very hard for me to pretend to be all demure and nice as he contacted me on a naughty website for perverts… a website that HE built! Hahahaha! It’s his fault I’ve rekindled my relationship with with Mr. P and met CJO and a become friends with a lot of other people who influence me to be naughtier! It ALSO emboldens me to totally objectify and fetishize him in the way I write and talk to him. Here’s what I see when I see TheBaku. Drooool. But he’s not blonde so kudos to him LOL I only fantasize about cooking dinner for him and taking latin dancing classes with him. That’s my story and I am sticking to it!

I think this is going to be a five part post… no really!

I should have been completely giddy yesterday but I had a terrible migraine so I’ll be completely giddy today. I really want to go out and have silly and challenging conversations this week but I am broke-ish. Not that it costs anything to have silly or challenging conversations. Bearded DiCaprio is jonesing for a date. Can’t say no to him! I also REALLY want to have a mojito with TheBaku and, drum roll, catch up with LLoyd Jr!

I’ve been single for 6 weeks but I have already been ‘meat tagged’ for 8 weeks… I’ve always fancied a ‘Hot Southern Piece of Man Candy’ but the catch is that they don’t live in Montreal!

I HAVE to cultivate my platonic relationships else I’m going to have a really hard time getting used to a long-distance relationship!

Time to review the pros and cons of having more than one ‘Best Gay’.

For the past two weeks my diet has mostly consisted of cookies, lollipops and chocolate. This may explain the weird dreams I have been having. But I haven’t gained any weight which is even weirder. I have been going to bed early and my biggest problem is waking up fully rested at 3am. It’s 3:16.

By waking up early I have solved the mystery of the missing socks. My kitten picks them up and spreads them around the house making it hard for me to 1. find them and 2. wash them at the same time rendering me with a box of twenty single socks! Can’t wait to find that secret sock stash.

I had a wonderful afternoon first date yesterday. When we met at Starbucks it was full so I asked him “How much do you like talking about kinky explicit sex within earshot of others?” He said “I’ve never liked that at all!” which kind of surprised me since he is CEO of Sit-On-My-Facebook.com. Because of this we wound up in a bar shouting about it for almost 3 hours. So TheBaku and I had planned to meet a month ago but he is ‘so busy’ (read, a workaholic.) He’s “THAT guy!”, “The Future WIRED coverboy” but I always call him TheBaku. Today, his “Top 1000 site” on the Internet is 1 year old. I did accuse him of being a total tease for pulling a ‘hurry up and wait’ routine on me. We were meeting, at my request, to talk about the lifestyle workshops I am organizing with CJO in March. He said “So you guys are like dating now right?! Like you are together?!” No we aren’t! We may be on the path, but he is a thousand miles away! I am making sure that ALL my plans regarding CJO can be carried out regardless of whether he and I pursue the “romantical” (I have been waiting for 37 years to meet CJO and anyone who thinks he is just a drool-worthy single man is seriously underestimating him. He has a HUGE purpose in my life. He knows this but he doesn’t know what it is yet.) The only way CJO and I are not a team in the future is if either one of us starts dating an insecure jealous person… This conversation has already been had LOL

My boyfriend acquisition steps move at a pace slower than a man’s libido so in a few instances I’ve been scooped (once a guy is scooped he is not allowed to complain about his sudden out-of-left-field girlfriend to me LOL) Such is the price of courting Venetian princes, medium celebrities and all around adorable eligible guys. I tried to make an exception to my due diligence process with Mr. M. I Don’t regret it but it failed as he said I was “too much, too soon”… I AM too much, I take great pride in that! ‘Too soon’ is kind of a cop-out because CJO is “WAYYYY too much, too soon” so I just pro-actively manage him accordingly. I am always straight-forward about my process, intentions and my feelings. Oh, there I just got a super nerdy management process idea from that: Agile for Man Management by Miss Eva Vavoom. I’ll put that in the ‘write later’ folder.

Those months don’t have to be ‘dating’ (I hate dating…), just knowing that you exist and interacting in a social way is fine. I like stable people who are who they say they are. Myself, I am very weird, all over the map and all this stuff won’t connect or make sense unless you know me for a while. The process is important for both involved. With ‘meeting on the Internet’ (which is sooooo annoying) 2-4 months is a long time to amuse, entertain and tickle a guy in a purposeful way so I can learn all the important stuff about him. Accomplish important life-changing things together is actually a shortcut LOL

Guys fall into the trap of falling in love with the way I make them feel about themselves. I fall into the trap of finding that entertaining and fun to watch. But that is NOT the same thing as falling in love with me. That is why I am getting really careful about choosing a potential partner who is self-aware, self-confident and self-assured.

So based on TheBaku’s comment (and comments from a few other people) the buzz is that CJO and I are an item… So I will know that as I am sitting all alone wondering why nobody will make due on their plan to take me out it is because there is a HUGE intimidating Lion sitting just behind me.

I’m all about being transparent but sometimes I think my stalkers are creepy and it affects my future relationships.

A few months ago, I got into a quasi-tiff with a guy who once asked me on a date. When I got his request and I was all like ‘Argh, please no…” and “Wow, it’s THAT guy!” in the same moment. You see, he has root. And you know what happens when a guy has root?! Well, if history is an indication, he will put a capture on my internet service to see what I do, read my e-mails, install a key logger and even record my phone calls. I am not kidding, these are all specific things that four (4!) past Sys Admins have done to spy on me. I like Sys Admins/ Sys Engineer type but God forbid if I say “Hi!” to one, it starts. You’d think they NEVER have any conversations with women. So I try not to date someone who has root on a system I use (not that this policy prevents losers who’ve never had the guts to say hi to me from spying on me anyway.)

I thought this awkward moment, which ended in a promise, was going to be the last I hear from him. But now we have to work on something together. For some reason he doesn’t want to delegate which baffles me… I DO want to work with him, he’s all sorts of adorable and I REALLY admire him… but I’ve been burned and it makes me super jittery.

Now this is going to be really creepy but I just want you guys to understand that us girls may have a history of having to deal with creepy stalkers going back DECADES. I am not talking about the curious to see what you are up to‘s, and just have to read your OKCupid profile EVERY day kind of thing… I’m talking inexplicable weird fucked up stuff adults do when they should know better.

When I was twelve (12), I was in the Jeanettes (Girl Scouts.) At the end of the year we put on a show for the parents and some brilliant soul thought that it would be great for me to sing ‘Call Girl‘ by Nanette Workman. So, despite the fact that I didn’t really know or care what a call girl was (I’m French!),  I put on a mini skirt and heels and lip-synched to Call Girl. Now this is not even the creepy part. The guy who was video taping the show, recorded the whole performance from the waist down. When we watched the video later on, everybody laughed and I was humiliated. I hope that beta tape has disintegrated with time. I think it is crappy to grow up KNOWING you are the masturbatory fantasy of creepy old guys. I mean some teens have it WAY worse then I had it, but sheesh. As a lifelong caretaker of children and teens, I just don’t get people and parents sometimes. I think I am more sensitive to issues of appropriateness because I am a pervert.

Next creepy guy. This is the biggest loser I have ever known. He has been with my mother for 25 years and he has been a douchenozzle all this time. Last year he pretended to be single on Quebec dating sites while living in his Florida condo alone. One stupid woman drove all the way down to Florida to stay with him. I think he is quite lucky that people put up with him even though they know that he is a magnanimous fucktard. This douche bag put me through hell as I was growing up until one day I he wound up with a plate in the face. Unfortunately, only the plate broke. So from this abuser, peeping tom and all around loser, I have a bachelor’s degree in useless piece of shit-ness. I have LOTS of insight into guys that I am not supposed to have but ALL of it is really useful because It’s all slowly making sense. What is most surprising about he and my mom though is that they do not seem to remember their past and think I am wrong to treat them coldly and dismissively.

At Christmas I was explaining how I would not want to send my daughter alone on a plane to Florida on Spring break because I personally did not enjoy my experience of flying alone when I was 12. For this I got a shit storm because they swear they never sent me alone on a plane to Florida. Isn’t it just to bad that I imagined getting the worst haircut of my life, receiving that coveted SONY radio cube, taking home a huge bag of oranges I could barely carry. Oh, and Buckwheat getting shot… I remember it like it was yesterday and I still have the pictures. Oh what a baaad haircut it was!

Being called a liar is not as insulting as being told I do not have the right to dictate how I should or should not be touched. I was sitting at the table and the loser walked up to me and grabbed me by the neck with both hands and bent over to kiss me ‘good night’. I flipped him away and told him: “Do not touch me. Do not touch me like that. That is inappropriate!” And I said nothing else as he and my mother started arguing and eventually they seem to agree that I was overreacting. But I said nothing else, resumed my writing and ignored them because they are getting dumber by the second. You see, this came after he had heard me talk about my recent relationships with my mother. And when vanilla people hear about my ‘love’ life they have this weird perception that I have freaky sex (I get this from follow-up questions) and they seem to think I must be ‘easy’. My love life is aplenty but I rarely had sex before ending my 3 LTRs. We’re talking way less than your average married person. In fact I really want to have one monogamous partner so I can have sex all the friggin’ time!

I am not someone who compares cats and oranges. I put my mother’s boyfriend in the creepy stalker and abuser pile because he is not a pedophile, he’s just worthless as a person and as a man. Plus labeling someone a sociopath or pedophile is like saying “oh, well, there was nothing we could do to prevent this person from doing harm and well, we can’t fix them either…”There is something that can be done… Having non-retarded parents actually raise their children might help.

I realize more and more that these people are just wrong on all levels and they bring nothing to the table. I may just be way to generous in letting my mother have a relationship with her grand daughter. I fail to see what good can come of this. I will DO something about it. There you go, first resolution of 2009. Have the babydaddy over on Jan. 3 or 4 and have that really awkward conversation and then take the next even more annoying steps.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

That sounds way less appealing than my former title of polyamorous MILF with 3 boyfriends. But it’s fair and it’s an important step and I will fully assume it. I am actually not afraid to remain a cat lady, I even own plastic shoes (the sandals, not the clogs.) but I own nothing with cats on it… yet?! I am actually wearing an incredibly old T-Shirt with a bat on it… I’m not BatGirl, I’m SendMail girl

Today I am having lunch with The General. He is an expert on the topic of me. As usual he should find entertainment in the stories of my love life and again, tell me I am crazy. But we have known each other for so long that he can actually see that my crazy plans work out, however improbable or seemingly pointless. I do give myself way too much trouble to accomplish what I want but that ends up being my Unique Selling Position. I am much better at making improbable things happen in my personal life than I am at earning money to survive. I am more of a social hacker than a business one.  Though I am pondering seriously how I am going to turn my personal view on life and my creativity into an actual job. But that’s a medium-term goal because I can develop that as I dote on my husband because men make great muses. I’m only looking for ONE though.

Thanksgiving is over and Col. Jack O’Neill is back (He’s kind of a Mark Anthony sincerely and it worries me sometimes. In any case CJO (c.1994) requires less letters than That Hot Southern Piece of Man Candy.) He sent me the high-res versions from his last publicity shoot. He was actually with some hot young thang this weekend. Which I took to mean that he is emotionally available and makes due on his promises. I’m looking for a really awesome guys and I cannot prevent girls from throwing themselves at him. He is getting a bit territorial but hey, there isn’t much I can do about that either. I am just on my own path here.

The General told me I settle… Ouch, that’s cold but he’s usually right about stuff.

So in order not to settle I have to decide if I am better off with the super hot jock who calls me everyday, treats me right and informs me on a regular basis of how interested he is in me. Or should I choose the super hot geek who inspires me a lot but works really hard to be a capricious asshole and makes sure to avoid giving me everything I require even though he is always super complimentary and positive in every conversation we have.

I have ALWAYS chosen option number 1 over option number 2 and I settle?!

Oh dear, here I go being poly again and taking inspiration from number 2 while enjoying attention from number 1… I don’t know what’s up with number 3, he’s all like hurry-up and wait and I threw him in the ‘he’s not that into me’ bin I think the extent of our relationship will be for me to make an exception and buy WIRED when they start gushing over him and make him a cover boy.

Granted I am just introspecting out loud here as none of this has to lead anywhere anytime soon. I have completely changed my aim and goals so I am all into the process of making good choices based on what I want and need for the long term. I also deleted my OKCupid profile. Sure it gives me access to geeky guys but it’s not focused enough.

I have been writing a lot in the past few days. It’s putting me to bed really late but it’s good stuff. It’s just ill-edited which means I had to rework this post 4 times ! I am also practicing the art of writing blurbs and being succinct. And, I am working on a short podcast series. I need an anglo who can record himself talking in French. I haven’t asked anyone I know yet but really it’s very short words or phrases.

I have gotten started making my Christmas presents and tokens of appreciations. By now I have 6 weeks of TV Series to watch so that will keep me company as I sew, embroider and bead.

I have no more boyfriends so there’s plenty of time ahead of me!

I am super frustrated today. I don’t understand why. Maybe it is a down from a full week of mingling. I got a lot of work done and should be mining my next contracts but I am drained. I am overdosing on lunch AND dinner at the restaurant. My brain is fried and I have a migraine so I’ll do it this weekend. Time for some TV.

Last night I celebrated four joyful years of dating my sweet Bearded DiCaprio. The fact that he hates that nickname doesn’t phase me. For a long time my friend Natalya always asked why I had a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio on my cellphone. It wasn’t DiCaprio! We’ve never had a fight so maybe we will fight about this LOL He took me to Bocaccino’s, which has dissapeared and turned into a Carmine’s. I don’t know if that’s a good business strategy… I am talking about Carmine’s copying a famous (and delicious) New York restaurant in Montreal and calling it by the same name without any official affiliation. Regardless, the food was great. I’m not really picky, I was just overjoyed that my angel hair pasta was al-dente and that they had big bottles of San Pellegrino. It’s cute how waiters come around a lot when they realize we are gossipping about kinky sex. Three years ago we had a naughty conversation on the table butcher paper at Jack Astor’s and simply left it there for our waiter.

We went to the sex shop to check out stuff. It was close by. I looked at the lingerie (because I am planning on getting/making myself a cat suit. Hey, I look like this ) ( instead of this ( ) now so if I want a cat suit, I am getting a cat suit just like Alyssa Nicole’s Halloween outfit!!! I realized that La Senza has more taste and wayyyy better quality for the money. I am always curious to see what they come up with as far as sex toys go. I now get the feeling that sex toys are designed by people who have knowledge of anatomy, which is great! However, lots of things look like they are packaged for teenagers… it’s odd… but cute! Alas, even with the added competition, most toys are still overpriced for the use I would make of them (Rose & Passion is the only adult store for miles and that shows in the pricing!) I love how my friends are generous with the feedback on the toys they buy and use because my toy budget is 28$ a year. I am trying to remember… What was the last thing I bought myself in a Sex Shop? Must have been one of those bullets that you plug into the base unit. My sex toy box is still in my old room and I moved upstairs 3 months ago! Even worse, a few weeks ago I took the batteries out of my vibrator to power my cordless mouse. Still have not bought new batteries… I have been a very bad self-lover! I sincerely think it is normal to masturbate and I wonder what it means that I don’t care to do it anymore. It happened when I stopped having pain (six weeks ago) and my brain started to go into overdrive. My drastically lowered sex drive is starting to concern me. It could also have something to do with my weight loss or my falling head over heels for Mr. M. It’s just strange to get sidetracked from something I have taken for granted for years. It’s like I’d rather be thinking or writing. I have become a mental masturbator!!!

But I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself. Perhaps I have been a bad ‘self-lover’, but I feel VERY loving towards those that are close to me (or I can go medieval on them whatever their preference may be.) I’ve done a lot of mingling and playing this week and today is the only day where I do not have one or two dates. I am alone until Yoshi comes over tomorrow morning to make me breakfast. I am really looking forward to that <3

Oh and I am watching Rome even though there are bits missing in the shows… What can I do, I want to see it so bad!

Have a lovely weekend!

Question I was asked: Why do I write about my feelings here and not send them to to the concerned party only?

Well, there are many intellectual reasons for this but let me tackle this romantic one instead.

I have noticed that men seem to have been educated (whipped) into thinking that “I love you” is some form of confrontational question that requires an immediate answer. I certainly do not return the “I love you” all the time. I have not figured out yet if that education comes from women’s reactions or from movies that portray love as some kind of mental disorder that leads to murder and mayhem.
If you are a guy then you may already know how annoying it is when a woman cannot receive a simple compliment or shoots you down when you try to open a door for her (That’s the closest similar situation I could come up with.)

“I love you” is supposed to be a gift, an unconditional one. I have gotten tired of explaining this so I have become more stealth in my love saying and love making.

That being said I don’t write much of these feelings down whatever feeling motivates them (love, lust, admiration, sadness, etc.) I can imagine in vivid details a long complimentary note about how a single moment in time made me feel but it’s mostly mental masturbation. I’d love to publish but I have to get over being afraid that it would cause jealousy.

But it can also provide a window in polyamory that is more significant than an excuse to have sex with a lot of people.

In person, I do the stealth “love making” all the time. My favorite way is cooking something special. A lovingly prepared home cooked meal has become a rarity. And because I have been on the receiving end of much adoration and even proposals based on my cooking, I figure my loving intent REALLY gets across this way. Perhaps the recipient knows that is what I am doing, or perhaps not. But because there is no specific “I love you” then our time together is devoid of all that awkwardness.

And there is nothing that annoys me more than the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” cliché of the 20th century. I can explain how and why I love someone in as many unique ways as there are feelings in my heart. I would never say that overused piece of bullshit because it basically appears to mean “I’m not that in touch with my feelings, and really I don’t know, but I feel pressure to say something to fill this awkward silence so… errr …” It’s okay to say nothing or express your own feelings in your own way (smith & Sam, 6:35.)

It is unlikely that your love for me is exactly the same as my love for you. Plus I am way more into showing it than saying it anyway.

A month ago I spent a considerable amount of time making a small handcrafted object. I spent all of that time improvising this work thinking about Mr. M’s sweet words to me. I am done with the “boohoo, I lost him!” and can appreciate the person he is without that sadness. But it’s like that small object belongs to him and it’s just wrong that I have it instead of him.