Sex is FREE!

I have been wondering how I can use Facebook to do some good for myself, my friends and the world. I have contributed to a few causes and attended events I never would have using Facebook. Last week I begged my friends to set me up on a blind date in my status. I was mathematically sure that 5-6 of my girlfriends could set me up with the only bachelor left in our large BDSM circle. I was probably going to say no because, to be honest with you, he does not really seem to care for me.

However he QUICKLY volunteered himself which was surprising ! On paper he is just fine for me and is either similar in some ways or compatible in others. For instance he is self employed as well eliminating the jealousy that arises when dating a 9-5 drone who answers to a boss first and foremost.

I was surprised, upon meeting him in person, that he knows very little about me and that maybe it is why he volunteered himself. We met for coffee. Again he only seemed mildly interested in the conversation but maybe that is as joyful as he ever gets. Before we were officially a couple, I gave my second husband (the grumpy sys admin at my first Internet-related job) a Matt Groening postcard-sized comic called “The Many Moods Of Binky” (doctored to his name). It had the same Binky impression 25 times over with 25 emotions named below such as ecstatic, elated, happy, sad, etc. So you know I am all about entertaining myself while I try to get my point across. Some guys are not really emo-tive.

I am looking for a primary partner who is in my age range, ideally a bit older but I am always mortified of meeting a guy the first time. It usually means being disappointed in yet another guy who has baggage or needs too much validation to be with someone who is independent and fulfilled. I once saw a t-shirt that reads “I have two cats and a vibrator: What are you going to do for me?” I thought that it kind of describes me if instead it says “I have 3 lovers, a house and a kid (and a cat and a vibrator): What are you going to do for me?”

I only met with him because he is in the good graces of the women I admire most for being independent trailblazers. I figured that maybe he wont hold my independence against me if he is friends with them. That also means he should not be put off by my choice of eccentric hobbies and pastimes. So I would say that the 20-minute coffee meeting went well because I realized 90 minutes later that I was going to be late for my next thing ( ;P was continuation of my day-long date… )

I analyzed his reaction to me and his follow-up e-mail with BF#1. He said “not so good …”. BF#2 said ” he will ask you out again ! “. I realized that it doesn’t matter, what is cool is that “I analyzed…” which is a telltale sign that I gave a fuck what he thinks. I have a bunch of stuff I never got to asking him the first time around. But nothing has really changed, he still comes off as the guy who doesn’t really seem interested in me.

I thought this video was cute. It is two guys kissing after being prodded or dared by their friends. If they were girls it would be soooo 1999.

The last comment in my cap is priceless. Sure homosexuality is wrong in your head, but in your pants it’s oh so right!

And yes for the record I love to watch guys kissing but in RL, not so much on video.

I built my first homepage in early 1995. I have always loved home pages built by people who talk about anything and everything that is of interest to them. I admire someone who will go through the trouble of documenting their life and hobbies to teach others. It takes a bright and intelligent individual to figure out how to make a website and then consistently add to it.

MySpace

Today however, the web is not reserved for bright people anymore and every vapid attention seeker and her dumb little brother can have a MySpace page or a Facebook account. When Kendra Wilkinson or Brody Jenner refer to their MySpace page as their official blog, I just cannot help but chuckle. How can you say this in the same breath as you talk about business and professional aspirations. A few years ago people would have told me to shut my elitist mouth up because MySpace did give us celebrities like Tila Tequila. What would we be without Tila?! In two years will we be asking “Where would we be without Tina Chen“? The state of the world is so glib that the bar has dropped very low on acceptable distractions. Anything will do.

Facebook

I have never had a MySpace account but I joined Facebook after a few friend nagged me to join (By that I mean in person nagging, not stupid e-mail spam notifications.) While Facebook is getting dumbed down, it is possible to configure it so you don’t have to suffer the consequences. Today I only have a few applications and they all display things that I have made myself such as my pictures, my videos, my Kiva.org businesses, my crafts, RSS feeds from 4 blogs (but not this one) and the few books I have read through. No glitter text porn star name for me (though I am very proud to not only, have a “porn star name”, but own the accompanying domain name too LOL) Basically my motto is: “If I didn’t painstakingly make it myself, it does not belong on my Facebook profile.”

I am quick to point out to people the security problems associated with certain settings in Facebook especially when it comes to viewable pictures that might depict something that is funny to them and their friends but perhaps not appropriate to show friends-of-friends or the public at large. That’s when they usually think I am a crazy stalker and ignore me until they run into someone they barely know who make salacious comments about their new thong bikini.

I discovered that there are crazy mass befrienders and pedophiles on Facebook when I became friends with Yoshi’s (TPB’s) 13-year-old brother Chibiyoshi. I triangulated all of his “friends” dropping the schoolmates and sports celebrities only to wind up with a list of a dozen random adults he did not seem to know in person. These people were either “friends” with a whole bunch of teenage boys or published inappropriate content (pictures and video) to his SuperWall. I went over the profile with Yoshi and we identified all the inappropriate applications that give access to him (by unknown adults) and Yoshi took care to clean up his little brother’s profile (and endure the firestorm of complaints and anger that ensued obviously.) As adults we are responsible for his well being even if we are not his direct parents. Too many kids are hurt while unrelated adults mind their own business. I think it is hard to explain to young teenagers how adults use their photos because they do not have a sophisticated understanding of “adult sexual intent” and most likely will never fully understand criminal, sexually deviant, psycopathic or sosciopathic intent. The number of these people is not great but applications like Facebook makes it easier for them to find you in search by searching through high schools. After almost 20 years on BBses and the Internet, I am still learning the makeup of the intent, desires and thought process or people who fall into those categories. After using Facebook to track and hunt down a very active criminal I can also appreciate that Facebook is a great counterstrike tool as well.

I feel that I must do something though to warn parents who’s 13 year olds will soon have access to Facebook as they enter high school next month. I live in a French speaking area and I fear French speaking parents do not have access to adequate information to understand and supervise their teen’s access to Facebook. The few articles written on the subject are only available in English and they only scrape the surface of how Facebook works. There are other issues as well because Facebook will most likely be the first public forum that teens access where online responsibility is a must. Because Facebook associates everything to your real name, great care must be taken when you use it.

But then again, sometimes we can be glad some dumb people don’t.

I was going to write about how I love Facebook too but I’ll keep it for another time…

I returned to Lavalife a few days ago in order to look at their better interface. Actually it’s much worse than it used to be! I created a brief profile in the orange section. I’m not trolling for sex with random strangers I just don’t feel my profile fits into the other categories.

I am looking for a man who is a lion in the board room and a freak in the bedroom.

Writing that phrase made me laugh! I don’t expect to find anyone on LL because I really never have other than BF#2 (I restrain myself from writing long posts about how much I adore him; I just tell him as often as I can <3)

Strangely enough I got messages from two guys from my past: The Venetian Prince and the Starbucks Dude.

I've met The Venetian Prince three times and have mentioned to him that the economic canyon that separates us makes me feel uncomfortable. He is a member of the Colbert “White Gold” Club and left F1 in 2004 before buying a business in Montreal. I do like the guy I mean he is enterprising and bright but he never gave me the impression that he was very much into me. I told him about this too. So again after saying he wishes we could get together, I bet he will continue to not call or write to me.

Then there is the incredibly hot Starbucks dude. We hooked up 3 1/2 years ago and he looks as yummy as ever. I could also call him the milf hunter! He is funny, stable, open minded and a bit Scottish. I can’t find anything to hold against him, he’s all kinds of adorable. I guess he is your average pervertible English-Canadian boy, the kind that makes an excellent long-term secret boyfriend

Other than that I made a few first contacts with 2-3 guys but I don’t expect anything from it. To make sure they absolutely never write back unless they know what they are getting into I sent them the link to my blogs.

I still have not found a succinct way to make a guy understand that there is no way I will ever be interested in him sexually unless an intellectual connection exists between us. Every sexual advance that comes before that is a total turn off for me.

Recently the shy nerdy guy who used to sit next to me in HS French class asked me out for a beer. That totally made my day until I realized I could not go And I asked him to keep trying but he hasn’t yet. And to think I was jumping up and down about having a chance to catch up with him.

And the Lavalife profile is now deleted

The “sit down chat” is a tool I use to get to know someone. It is a short meeting with a set ending time (because I always have a meeting after.) I am usually the one who initiates the chat and sets the rules.

This is contrary to modern courtship rules. Customs dictates that a man should invite a lady to a nice dinner as a first date. I don’t care to “date”. A date involves spending 2-3 holes hours with someone who just might be a complete bore. For a first meeting, a short chat is sufficient.

So I mentioned in a previous post that I was going to have a sit down chat with my #1 crush. I made a quip that if he wanted to pay me cash for my services there was a coffee fee. He happily invited me for coffee and during a confirmation call turned that into dinner (a very early dinner because I still had my thing to get to afterwards!)

Now here’s the thing. Obviously, I think this guy is awesome and therefore I know it shows in my attitude towards him. Now, he, on the other hand, doesn’t know who I am besides a friend of a friend and a business contact. So I was prepared for this to be somewhat awkward (for him!)

The meeting was delightful and what struck me as most interesting is how he is EXACTLY the way I figured him to be. What is most strange is that I had planned on making a joke about the hidden letter in his name but instead just asked him what it stood for. He made the exact same joke. Makes sense, we are the same age which means or comedic approach to certain things are similar.

He is English Canadian so it can be expected that he would have an encyclopedic knowledge of Kids In The Hall. I too was devouring them with the same interest but since I am French Canadian, people tend to think I will not know anything about anglo culture. Getting who I am is a bit more complicated. I am this unique gizmo that can provide really random entertainment but my user interface can only be figured out by bright and creative people.

Obviously there is no reason for us to sit down like this on a regular basis so I just enjoyed the moment.

He inspires weird sketches in my head but not in his usual character. It is his ability to appear serious that inspires me more. I see a time in the future where we collaborate on something funny but at this time I see no path to it. Perhaps it is because he is the one who will initiate the collaboration and I have no control over that.

So I move on with my busy and crazy life. In fact the day after my sit down chat with my #1 crush I spent 8-9 hours in a writing meeting with Yoshi to discuss topics for MilfandHoney.net.

The Tudors is a costume and protocol fetish series. It is in its second season. I watched the first two episodes last night. Actually it’s a historical drama but for someone like me who measures everything in life by it’s relationship to the underworld of kink, it’s quite an intellectual and visual ride.

I must admit I know little of the storyline as I concentrated my studies on the colonization of New France in the 17th and 18th century when I worked in a religious museum.

This series is supposed to introduce me to a bit of (dramatized) history but I am distracted by the sheer hotness of the actors. The plots deliver sex, attitude, pageantry and plenty of incredibly hot pissed off guys over 30. Too bad Steven Waddington (Duke of Buckingham) gets his head chopped off so early in the story. Sigh!

I asked my ex to do some research on The Corey (as well as catch up on BB8) so he could do a follow-up on the letter (from a former Corey point of view.) I think he misunderstood me a bit and at first thought I wanted him to tell the world how I was so wonderful for fixing him. I already have plenty of long written letters, emails and notes written by him specifically thanking me for doing key things to help him and I am not ever throwing them away. I am kind of his Reform School Mistress in a sense and I have kept private 99% of his process over the past few years.

What I have long wanted him to do is own his story. He is ashamed of what happened to him and how he let someone else influence him badly into a downward spiral that could have ended in un-fixable mistakes. But there is no shame in being a teenager and being impressionable. There is no shame in telling the world specifically how things went wrong and what happened along the way. I was a troubled teenager and left home when I was barely 17 as well but that was a really long time ago. His story is fresh and relevant to teenagers who are not likely to judge him so much as recognize their own experiences and WHO in their surrounding poses the greatest danger to them.

The reason why I do not let go of my ex is that everything he does affect two other people. I have been “training” him for almost 2 years to be the primary care taker of two people who REALLY need him. His mother who has a pattern of depression, sickness, helplessness and homelessness (a problem shared by more than 25% of parents.) Even more important he MUST raise his younger brother who is now 13 years old and is entering into the void of teenagedom where everything can go abso-fucking-lutely wrong. I am not talking here about being the man and paying for everything which is some men’s idea of doing ‘enough’ for their family. I am talking more about emotional support, leadership and unconditional love. There is not enough money in the world to buy those things for someone else.

While my ex has had the pleasure of re-building a relationship with his dad over the past year, his little brother has never known his own dad. Obviously, I could snap my fingers and have that guy (who is only 33) found and brought to me tomorrow but if it does not serve a purpose and is not the right time then it is useless. That would be more of a 3-6 month project to vet the dad and assess whether he could be a plus or minus in his child’s life and educate a 13 year old to make the decision for himself as well. That may seem cruel but I sincerely feel that some parents bring nothing to the table and if they abandon their child in infancy or even later they better work damn hard to get the respect and access back. No child owes his parents respect of they have abandoned him or abused them just because they are related by blood. If my ex and I decide that this is a worthwhile project to take on, I will definitely touch on it here.

My ex thinks that I did everything for him but I really didn’t. I made a huge effort not to!!! I simply created an environment for him to do the work himself over and over again. The rest is easy, it’s just being me and living in my non-cahotic, no-drama life with my own awesome well behaved co-parented child. I do not want to police his mom or his little brother and I would rather they give my ex the credit and respect for doing the day-to-day. I was only the one who provided the daily love, hugs and cuddles at the end of a frustrating day. I have gone over my ex’s head to make hard decisions but they were only in times of crisis. I can see clearly in the future and have found that acting quickly and decisively can make a huge difference.

We had a brainstorming session which is turning into a long list of teen issues that are either close to my experience or his. Often they are topics which have affected both of us. 16 years separate our teen stories and so much has changed. I really miss the time when I did not have access to technology that could blow all my teenage stupidity out of proportion. I think that perhaps I made the same mistakes along the way the difference is that I was a girl and he is a guy.

The whole difference in this process is that I am not his mom. I have no specific rules (other than age-appropriateness) and have found that I have a knack for hacking teenage boys (Teenagers are between 13-25 and, quite sadly, getting older every year.) As long as there is no underlying mental illness (psychosis, scociopathy, etc.) I can probably do something good. I did not invent myself a raiser of boys, I have had the pleasure of raising other people’s boys through my life, as a nanny. It was totally random that I got to raise 7 boys and only 1 girl between the ages of 4 months and 10. I recently looked up most of my boys (through their great parents) and they were so proud to tell me how they have become awesome teenagers and young adults (I was only there 1-2 years along the way but made sure to protect these precious treasures.) I have yet to getthe official news on the one who had very cold and dismissive self-involved doctors for parents (these people creeped me out) and I resist the urge to Facebook stalk him I so want to know how he grew up in an environment where money was never an object but time was too precious to spend on menial tasks like the day-to-day raising children. “The Nanny Diaries” made me cry from beginning to end.

But family circumstances and money aside, most teenage boys go awry because of the bad influence of others whether it’s a parent, sibling, supposed friend or unrelated adult in a position of power and influence. With every transgression develops a feeling of powerlessness and that is a huge burden to bear for a teenager.

There is no such thing as “All your dreams are dead” however dire your life seems when you are young.

Corey,

I think that it is an unfair burden to bear for a 16-year-old to have a whole country absolutely hate you for a lapse in judgement. I cannot imagine how bad you must have felt as you lost all control over your own life and the trust of your parents in one catastrophic night. To fear getting unexpectedly punched in the face by a random stranger while others cheer on.

I think it is miss guided for people to pour their bile, anger and hate on you when there are actual criminals out there. I know you are doing the douchebag thing to feel like you have some semblance of control over your life. The good news is that it can be fixed. You can’t hide behind ugly yellow glasses forever.

Big Brother has given you four chances to redeem yourself:

1. Remove you from your enablers. Those friends and “fans” who benefit from your infamy and think you are cool for being a fuckwit.

2. Give Australia the chance to know you beyond a retarded 5-second sound byte.

3. Place you in the presence of golden houseguests who each have a little bit of wisdom to pass along because they have made something of themselves despite being different and discriminated against.

4. Give you a shit load of cash which you can use partly to re-pay your community and parents for damages.

Corey burning his bridge with Bianca

You say you are not famous… you are right. You are an underage boy who has become public domain. If you had any rights left people would object to a Youtube video where a guy describes how he would murder you… but sadly, Australia won’t even give you that benefit. I never thought I would live to see a day when people have less regards for an immature teenager than a dog turd on a sidewalk. This state of affairs saddens me.

You have to realize that you cannot build a respectable life based on infamy. You represent the greatest (insurance) risk to anyone who associates with you just based on how people react to you whether it’s positive or negative. This means potential schools, employers and even friends. People like you fall into drugs, prostitution and pornography because those are the only opportunities people will offer you. You have only 1 year left before the sharks can legally move in and kill all that is left of you and you will have absolutely no recourse.

Your best bet is to use what is left of your money to disappear for a few years. Man up. Re-invent yourself. I am not asking you to (quoting your parents) “stop doing what you do”, I am telling you to give Corey a chance to enjoy the benefits of being raised (a task unfinished) while existing outside of a prison of hate.

If you were in my charge I would change your appearance and clothing. Send you to technical college under an assumed name in a place where people do not know who you are (hard to believe there is such a place… but there is.) Put you to work in a MacDonald’s or something like that and encourage you to talk to your parents on a regular basis. Introduce you to cool guys who are not fucktards and who’s idea of fun is not boozin’ and pukin’.

If only you could see what that would give you in return. You could live without being stared at or judged constantly. You could have true friends who are not fuckwits who smooch on your “fame”. You could do something with your time that would bring you huge returns in the long run. The best part of it would be to be secure and happy in a calm non-cahotic environment. You would have 1 person in your camp and learn how to build on that.

I have asked a former teenager who understands the previous statements to review and comment on this entry.

When you are done raising you could return to Australia looking like a normal Uni student with a huge smile on your face and go on with a life you have chosen and created for yourself.

As I am writing this, I am watching you throw opportunities away in front of all of Australia (and some of the world.) Big Brother put you inside the highest security prison in Australia in order to give you a public spanking but you’d be better off in a shack in the middle of the country and thinking up a plan for a normal enjoyable life.

Do you sincerely feel that you can act like a dumbass for 4 years and magically turn into a man at 21?

Cordially,
Miss Eva

If history serves us right, next week we’ll get a Beauty & The Geek reunion show. Again this year I did not write much about the season because I wound up watching episodes days if not weeks later. Based on my interaction with geeks from years past, I know they like intelligent discourse on how outsiders perceive them so here I go, praisin’ some and dissin’ some.

I can only imagine how watching BATG can be cathartic for some beauties or geeks on the other side of the TV. This year’s most cathartic moment was watching Amber & Tommy. Amber appears to be a waste of space but she is very attractive physically. So for me watching someone so gorgeous work so hard for cock was really entertaining! Sure it sounds like I am dissing Amber but I am sure she will find herself a rich husband who will appreciate how decorative she can be.

I was truly rooting for Matt and Leticia to win it all.

Congrats to Tommy and Amanda for winning, they worked well together. I hope Tommy watched the show and did not let Amber spend all his money. She was very specific about using Tommy to everyone, except Tommy. I encourage him to tap that if “dating a supermodel” is what he HAS to do. Hey, I’d totally go on a date with Marilyn Manson but be careful what you wish for.

My word of advice to the Tommies of the world:

Hookers charge a fixed price by the hour for a specific service
Gold diggers on the other end, never tell you how much it’s gonna cost or if you’ll even get anything for the pleasure of giving them “gifts”.
Cuddles and kisses from sweethearts who like you for your choice of sweater vests are absolutely free!

This year’s sweetest and most awesome Beauty and The Geek Moment is pictured below.

Leticia returns after winning the plumbing challenge by a landslide. Matt hugs and congratulates her. He tells Leticia he will fix her something. She says he doesn’t have to. He firmly replies: “No, you’re getting something!” That nearly gave me an orgasm!

In one short moment, Matt Carter announced to the world that he is a keeper!

I already chimed in on Jim, the yummiest one. In my opinion he was the most under-explored geek of the season. I think that perhaps he may be too shy to let anyone explore him LOL

I re-opened the commenting. Please comment below instead of sending them by e-mail.

Now I try to get into Big Brother Australia. The cast is superbly odd !

Detail’s Blog takes on Crazy Chicks. Yes, guys do like crazy girls and I don’t say that because I am crazy but because I like to observe.

There is no bigger heartbreak than to invest months of “getting-to-know-you” time into the most jaw-dropping sexy geeky perfect guy ever and watch the crazy girl waltz in, fuck him and talk her way into his apartment within a month. And then it’s heartbreaking again when you hear the smidge of regret in his voice a week later. Then it’s even more heartbreaking to hear her give me this advice: “Well if you like them you better move in and fuck them else you’ll be stuck in the friend zone forever!” Next time I am in her presence I will bring ear plugs because she always manages to say things that are deeply insulting to me. I have given up on him because according to BF#1 the chances of him breaking up with her are slim because he is the kind of guy who is loyal and always wants to do the right thing. (In poly-world I could aspire to being GF#2 but since GF#1 values spontaneous fucking around and devalues his preference for <gesticular quoting>relationships</gesticular quoting>, that would just make my head explode.)

Sigh…

It’s not like this has never happened before. In 1991, I was on the verge of getting back together with my high school sweetheart but the girl he had recently dated threatened to kill herself. Heck, I can’t compete with that kind of crazy! I always bow out of those challenges, turn around and walk away briskly.

I take a very long time to get to know a guy just for that reason. I cannot afford to be with someone who is weak in the presence of a crazy girl but to a certain extent, all guys are. More on that later.

Right now I have my sight set on a guy I totally fell for at first sight over 18 months ago. I have never made a move on him but I observe from afar and read between the lines of his Facebook statuses. Nope, none of them contain any secret messages to me unless of course he mentions me by name LOL I’ve never felt that I had to make a move on him because I know I will run into him again. It would help though if I went to see his shows instead of going to bed at 8pm on Saturday night! Alright, I have missed all the events I am supposed to run into him! He is a fuckin’ Rock star with fans galore but comes off as reserved and not at all promiscuous. I don’t think he has any idea how awesome I think he is and even if he did, he would lump my interest in with the adulation that he gets from the hundreds of suicide girls (and gay men) who send him Xs and Os everyday. Through my patience and attention to his career I have found myself working with the Rock star in him. Though I must admit when I have to deal with the Rock star I filter it out and I observe the traditional small town Catholic boy raised with military precision. I think that represents 75% of who he is but I have to admit that I admire him for breaking so far out of that mold and making himself into an extravagant celebrity. I know I am making assumptions based on what he does, says or writes but consider that what a man does speaks volumes about his character… It is 1000% more indicative of who he is compared to let’s say… what he might say about himself on a first date!

The only reservation I would have about being with him is that he would not be my first famous or incredibly popular acolyte and it’s really hard to get quiet time with someone like that. There is always someone who calls, interrupts our conversations, stops them at street corners or starts screaming in the near vicinity of my ears (ouch!) Through all of this I know that there is 99% chance that one of the many, many, many profusely tattooed, pierced and pink-haired extravagant beauties he sees everyday will come in and swoop him off his feet before I even get to our first face-to-face sit down chat. I expect that chat to happen in the near future but that will probably be too late. For that I am not getting my hopes up.

You know, the last time I was so incredibly enamored with a boy, I found out that he had a secret crush on me… 6 years later! I have had countless long-term relationships based on an early connection like this hence why I am like “Well if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” about it. I like to celebrate knowing somebody who is worth getting all excited about. I only meet one crush-worthy person each year, I better make the most of it! These are people I instantly absolutely adore and none of them (in 20 years) have ever turned out to be assholes so I must be a good judge of character.

Let’s go back 4 years.

- 2004: My Scottish Boy (BF #2) I love him so!
- 2005: Boyfriend #3 (now-ex) AND the girl-friend that is becoming the boy-friend
- 2006: The blow-job worthy sys admin
- 2007: The subject of most of this entry who’s nickname will either become “My Sweetheart” or “That Guy who Thinks I’m His Crazy Stalker”. Time will tell.

(Before 2004 I was in two back-to-back long term monogamous relationships lasting almost 12 years.)

I am very patient and my patience has served me right over the years. I have two partners who are secure and I trust that they will not put their life (or mine) in danger because of some crazy bitch. Okay perhaps I am editing the news here… One of them was temporarily distracted by a self-serving bitch on the rebound and bent on revenge but he still maintains she is not a bitch. She broke his heart and dumped him for the first guy that came along and luckily she is now locked away in marriage and into the dream-house her husband can’t really afford. I had correctly calculated that it would cost me about 3 months of time away from my sweetie (kudos on me telling my girlfriend how it would go down and being right) But I also lost another 6 months because he was sorry and hiding in shame. (If you read this sweetie I hope you know that I will never interfere, I trust that you can learn to protect yourself and that the next one will be “The One”. I am more worried about you when you go on your crazy extreme sports trips in the middle of nowhere and I pray that nobody dies on this one!!!)

After 4 years of thinking about who I am today and what I want out of life I am open to having a primary partner. That is someone I live with and love through encouragement, kinky sex and good cooking. Even though I am far away from being financially secure, I already have the house in the suburbs and the most fantastic daughter (as voted on by most other parents in a 4 mile radius!) My biological clock is not ticking even though I wish I could be a doting auntie to my two (soon to be three) nieces in Quebec City. I am not looking for some guy to complete me or take me shopping. The only consideration I have is for character and the other things I think all men should strive to accomplish (Yummyness, blow-job worthyness and mad skillz.) I am simply looking for someone who loves me, accept me the way I am and encourage me in my odd complicated pass-times.

Part of the reason I will not make the first move is because I want to be with someone who really wants to be with me and will make an effort. But as I wrote in my last post: He must be well-informed as to what he is getting into. My #1 crush knows me professionally now. As far as I am concerned, I am still in the “doesn’t know I exist” category.

Why am I complex? I am 75% Martha Stewart, 25% Nina Hartley and overjoyed when I encounter a guy who is astute enough and confident enough to call me on it.

Unfortunately a lot of guys my age are into young crazy girls who brings excitement and chaos into their boring life. The Internet appears to be how they find tons of those if I judge from the online dating landscape. Yet most will admit (and I do ask!) that they know they are shopping at Bitches’R'Us. There they find a semblance of excitement and lots of grief and walk away still hungry. But these guys cannot take the non-crazy that I bring to the table. I don’t do crazy things “in the name of love” and that comes of as cold to a guy who needs validation.

Heck, I am not immune to suicide boys myself. I cannot tell you how many times I have told The Paper Boy that I fear my friends and lovers will discredit me for years for sticking with him through all the grief he put me through. Our relationship is the most drama-filled 18 months I have ever had. A lot of it is not directly his fault though, it was a few people around him who stir the pot and get on my last nerve with their drama. The silver lining to it is that I appear to have set him straight and he is profusely thankful for it. I am being unfair by lumping an immature teenage boy with possibly insane crazy girls (who are adults.)

I do not admire a guy who lets a girl walk all over him. Those things include not letting him see his friends alone (removing the support group), dictate how he spends his money (financial control), yell hysterically over everything (make him think he has done something wrong and must apologize again) and worse yet, fake pregnancies and break all his shit.

The only way to redeem yourself in my eyes after that is to learn from it and become crazy-bitch-fortified.