In the past few years I have bestowed the title of fetishist on many people and even some who did not consider themselves fetishists (like the guy who has over 13,000 mannequin pictures in his Flickr.)
This week’s fetishist is ME! I thought I would put a tippy toe out of the closet and write about something that I live everyday but do not talk about much. Recently I had the pleasure of meeting a man who brought up the subject, renewing my interest in pondering the topic.
I did not grow up in a culture where it was valued to stay at home and rule the household however my hero has always been my grandmother, who raised 4 good kids and could do anything she set her mind to. She was also a great seamstress, musician, cook and philosopher. I always figured she was a good wife as my grandfather would always say wonderful things about her (and once let it slip that they still had a sex life into their 70s.) As I grew up I realized that there was something different about her, she was never mad or bitter, she was positively zen and through the years I observed adults around me, realized that my grandmother was 100% genuine but never out of touch. She was the quintessential 50’s housewife. She taught me counted stitch and knitting and tried to teach me sewing and crochet.
At the end of the eighties I saw a woman on PBS make this overly complicated turkey in puff pastry and I was positively impressed. So, I enrolled in the Martha Stewart school of domestic domination. I was able to perfect my craft of cooking while I was a nanny. I had it good, I was being paid to do the fun stuff, care for cute kids, while the mom and dad “had to work”. So okay, I can confirm that up keeping a mansion and cooking is a lot of work, it’s just not unpleasant for someone who is used managing her time and making tasks dovetail. The pay was dismal but the insight into the secret lives of “well-to-do” couples was priceless. Them parents were craaaazy! What also shocked me was the absolute disdain that my employers had for a “domestics” such as myself. I knew I wasn’t a piece of crap, afterall I was the youngest tour guide ever hired by the largest tour operator in Quebec. At barely 18, I was in charge of 45 passengers on buses touring Quebec, Ontario and New England. It was a summertime job. I remember one of my employers, an incredible blowhard doctor with nazi-like values who was a total asshole to his wife (also a doctor) told me: “Oh so now that you are 19, you think you are better than everyone and have to go back to school!?” Well, it seemed I SHOULD be in school at that age, I wasn’t trying to start a revolution! So I continued my life which was quite unusual and exciting (always is…) but eventually met my first husband in 1993.
My strategy with my husband was treating him like a king and see what happens. I mean this is kind of my way to go for most social interaction, forward, honest and generous. So I have put this theory forward with two husbands over 12 years with mitigated results. By treating my man like a King (not literally but through good cooking, entertaining conversation, logistical help and sex, you know, wife stuff) I managed to turn guys into various versions of a spoiled brat. In the end they became so attached to me that any outside interest or influence was a threat that had to be dealt with in the most extreme of ways. I admit I did not know how to deal with this type of jealousy. My first husband has no insight into his scary maniacal possessiveness, my second one admitted to being very happy and then overreacting in the end. That was over 5 years ago.
It was hard to start over again with absolutely nothing (again!) and I have kept guys at a distance for 4 years. I did this by being poly and therefore had the benefit of close intimate and loving relationships while nobody could claim me as their own. I wasn’t expecting to develop three wonderful loving close relationships like that, it just happened. I didn’t really buy into the lifestyle and did not partake in the “community” for this is a personal choice that should have a finite time in my life. None my long-term poly partners will ever be my husband (Hey, it’s okay we are on the same page.)
However, I have continued to define, build and or maintain my housewife lifestyle. Not so easy considering I have this huge house to run and pay for at the same time as I am trying to build my consultancy. This state of affairs make my daughter happy and me too, even though it’s a heavily rationed lifestyle. Being happy with very little is a nice revelation.
It has taken 3 years for me to concretize this lifestyle for myself and I have been living it full-time for 1 year. I do not have a husband (or someone who lives with me.) I have been looking more seriously for about a year, but I am weary of “new people”. Faced with a man I recognize as having potential, I try to develop a conversation and see where it goes. I am ready to work hard on achieving that even though I have a huge fear that it may be an impossible goal.
I want to find a man whom I can treat as a King… and he would be happy to be that, the King, teacher, wise ruler and protector. And he should be compatibly kinky because I am kinky and being stuck-up about sex is just not attractive to me.
It’s akin to a BDSM lifestyle, really and that may be the best channel to find him. There are certain people who call this a “50’s Housewife Fetish” but that does not necessarily resonate with me. It’s too black and white! This is more of an understanding of power exchange built on what both partners specifically negotiate together, whether it is basic common sense or eccentric and sexy rules. I do know couples who have been at this officially in their own kinky ways for a while and they seem pretty happy with each other.
