Sex is FREE!

The Tudors is a costume and protocol fetish series. It is in its second season. I watched the first two episodes last night. Actually it’s a historical drama but for someone like me who measures everything in life by it’s relationship to the underworld of kink, it’s quite an intellectual and visual ride.

I must admit I know little of the storyline as I concentrated my studies on the colonization of New France in the 17th and 18th century when I worked in a religious museum.

This series is supposed to introduce me to a bit of (dramatized) history but I am distracted by the sheer hotness of the actors. The plots deliver sex, attitude, pageantry and plenty of incredibly hot pissed off guys over 30. Too bad Steven Waddington (Duke of Buckingham) gets his head chopped off so early in the story. Sigh!

Globalization
By Eva Vavoom

Office Conference Room

Boss: “I am happy to announce that I have just concluded a deal with a full-service Chinese company to produce our tween clothing line for 50% less than the current cost per garment. They do everything, even the product design!”

Melissa: “So what will happen to our design department?”

Boss: “What are you doing here? We don’t need you anymore!”

Janine: “I see this pink baggy sweater here has the word LOOSE in big bold letters on the front. Is this appropriate for 8-12 year old girls to wear?”

Boss: “Don’t you know that loose means baggy? In any case, you’re fired!”

Michael: “…”

Boss: “Well, Michael, seems like we will be producing our tween clothing line for 62.5% less than the current cost per garment even with your promotion to Vice-president figured in. Congratulations on a job well done!”

(Inspired by Girl’s Zombie Cheerleader Costume and Boy’s Pimp Costume via Amazon.com)

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These short social commentary and comedy scripts are meant to be made into cartoons, videos or art pieces. They are released under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Canada. To browse the Creative Commons scripts see the Scripts category. I have further material that is too long to post here at this time and will develop into TV treatments.

Globalization by Eva Vavoom is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.
Based on a work at www.evavavoom.com.

If history serves us right, next week we’ll get a Beauty & The Geek reunion show. Again this year I did not write much about the season because I wound up watching episodes days if not weeks later. Based on my interaction with geeks from years past, I know they like intelligent discourse on how outsiders perceive them so here I go, praisin’ some and dissin’ some.

I can only imagine how watching BATG can be cathartic for some beauties or geeks on the other side of the TV. This year’s most cathartic moment was watching Amber & Tommy. Amber appears to be a waste of space but she is very attractive physically. So for me watching someone so gorgeous work so hard for cock was really entertaining! Sure it sounds like I am dissing Amber but I am sure she will find herself a rich husband who will appreciate how decorative she can be.

I was truly rooting for Matt and Leticia to win it all.

Congrats to Tommy and Amanda for winning, they worked well together. I hope Tommy watched the show and did not let Amber spend all his money. She was very specific about using Tommy to everyone, except Tommy. I encourage him to tap that if “dating a supermodel” is what he HAS to do. Hey, I’d totally go on a date with Marilyn Manson but be careful what you wish for.

My word of advice to the Tommies of the world:

Hookers charge a fixed price by the hour for a specific service
Gold diggers on the other end, never tell you how much it’s gonna cost or if you’ll even get anything for the pleasure of giving them “gifts”.
Cuddles and kisses from sweethearts who like you for your choice of sweater vests are absolutely free!

This year’s sweetest and most awesome Beauty and The Geek Moment is pictured below.

Leticia returns after winning the plumbing challenge by a landslide. Matt hugs and congratulates her. He tells Leticia he will fix her something. She says he doesn’t have to. He firmly replies: “No, you’re getting something!” That nearly gave me an orgasm!

In one short moment, Matt Carter announced to the world that he is a keeper!

I already chimed in on Jim, the yummiest one. In my opinion he was the most under-explored geek of the season. I think that perhaps he may be too shy to let anyone explore him LOL

I re-opened the commenting. Please comment below instead of sending them by e-mail.

Now I try to get into Big Brother Australia. The cast is superbly odd !

A Special Gift
by Eva Vavoom

Well-to-do Waspy parents with their 13-year-old son in the dining room.

Mother: “William, your father and I thought that you deserve a gift for getting good grades this year.”

A proud dad hands his son a flat box that looks like a book with the bold title:

The son’s eyes widen as he opens the box to find a Wi-Fi enabled laptop computer.

William: “This is the coolest gift ever! Thanks mom and dad, I love it so much I am going to sleep with it!”

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These short social commentary and comedy scripts are meant to be made into cartoons, videos or art pieces. They are released under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Canada. To browse the Creative Commons scripts see the Scripts category. I have further material that is too long to post here at this time and will develop into TV treatments.

A Special Gift by Eva Vavoom is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.
Based on a work at www.evavavoom.com.

To which he replied “Thank you :)”. And to be honest with you that is the only appropriate answer to my compliment. I judge people by my own standards and I rarely explain these to others. Truly compatible people seem to know what I mean.

For instance the highest level that can be achieved in physical attractiveness is “Yummy”. But yummy-ness is not achieved by being cute alone. There has to be something else going on there. Take the cast of this season’s Beauty and The Geek. One may gravitate towards Tommy Severo (the sweater vest enthusiast) as the cutest but there was only one Yummy candidate this season: Jim Babcock (The video game programmer.) In fact both these guys are at the complete opposite of the second axis of yummi-ness. One is incredibly stuck-up when it comes to sex and the other one seems eager to get some (as it was obvious how Jim interacted with Tiffany at the Football game and beyond. ) So for me being halfway decent look-wise is completely useless if I can’t work with you.

I was disappointed that Jim got the boot before the makeover. Anyone who hides behind so much hair and tries to pass as a shaggy dog needs a makeover. He got his makeover last week and I was not that surprised by the results. I thought he would turn out looking more Gyllenhaal than Gosling. But it’s cool how he has no idea who Ryan Gosling is. That’s why I like geeks.

So back to the blow job worthiness thing.

Oral sex used to be my favorite thing (hence why I came up with the blow job worthiness index) but I have not had that many blow job worthy guys in my life for the past few years. In fact some guys think I am not into oral sex at all… Well maybe it’s because you’re just not that blow-job worthy! I am not saying I am that great at it by any means. A few months ago I lost a “suck-off” by a huge margin! The only reason I was not crushed by this loss is that it was to a trans guy who explained in detail how his technique was acquired so he would be accepted by gay men as one of their own. Well jaded oversexed gay men are definitely not my main “clientele”. My blow job non-technique is “put it in my mouth and enjoy”.

(UPDATE: Apparently I did not lose the “suck-off” in question LOL.)

I cannot tell you how many social conversations at semi-business events I have had with guys where after the fact I figured out that all they wanted from me was a blow job. All that staring at my boobs and making comments about my lips had nothing to do with Web 2.0. Life must be boring after you make it to C.T.O. or V.P. because those are the guys who are most often guilty of trying to get a quick fix with a total stranger. Not classy! Trying to pick me up is a bit useless because I definitely need time to confirm a connection and that can take me 4-6 months no matter how hot, rich or famous you think you are. The best way to get close to me is to figure out a way for us to spend time together by doing cool fun geeky things. That’s way more complicated than dating. This is how I approach people I dig as well.

Now the honor of being blow-job worthy can only be bestowed on someone who will go out of his way to do something for me without any expectation of getting something in return. since I have met him Mr. Sys Admin has done really cool unexpected things that often totally make my day. We met at a Midori “Bondage for Lovers” class and his first impression of me was seeing me tie up a 19-year old boy with ripped up bed sheets! Later he called me out of the blue to ask me to be his partner at a 2-day rope bondage class. Not only was that class fun but I got to tie him up in all sorts of cool ways! Did I mention he is yummy?! He is quite geeky as well which makes him a triple threat. Out of the blue last year he just kissed me. I was way too surprised to do anything about it. We’ve had long discussions (some live some chats) that delved into BDSM negotiations and it’s always remained quite intellectual and pleasant. Both of us have jobs and partners who seem to use up all the free time so I very rarely get to see him in person.

This weekend he helped me set up my Linux server the right way. I was supposed to go to his place but decided not to go pass along my cold to him.

So if I ever tell you you are blow job worthy you should just say thank you an be happy that I regard you as being in the small top tier of awesome keen guys on this planet. I am not really saying you deserve a blow job from me specifically as much as…

Here is a list of recent search terms used to find stuff here. These are only the funny or perplexing phrases that are not covered in my blog.

big brother poland sex (now I have to download that)
free sex in montreal (sex is free everywhere)
want marry free (those mail-order bride are getting too expensive?)
dog hood fetish (Once tried to find info on the web because my dog was getting unfortunate erections, not even going to Google that one.)
cute pictures of 13 year olds (Try Sears Catalog)
free sex in toronto (again, sex is free everywhere)
free sex pron online in ask .com (try ask.com)
free sex puke video (Hey I know where those are but I won’t tell you!)
fun sex in montana (Montana has the most single men per women, I’d find fun sex there in 10 minutes flat! Hmmm… cowboys!)
is tilda swinton a transexual? (That would be cool, but no!)
jump porn (I feel for you sweeties, I really miss Girls jumping on trampolines too.)
kingsize sex (Yes, sex is better on a king size bed)
lover sex apple (Err, try a banana, less dangerous)
miss vavoom sex (You wish!)
mom free sex (Do you shovel snow? Nothing is free you know?!)
private phone number for sex saint laurent (Try Craigslist)
sex 13 years school free (Again not sure I am reading this right)
pussy sex 13years (Ah those magical 13 year olds)
scar sex free (Could you be more vague?)
show blood coming out of your prons show free pictures (Try here!)
unhappily ever after insult relationship (hmmm, gotta look this up)
wanking blog (wanker!)
watch transsexuals having sex for free (One word of advice, it’s more fun to watch transsexuals having sex in person than on the Internet)
weak free sex (don’t get it)

I have been thinking in English since I was about 12. I started watching soaps and game shows in English when I was 5-6. Then I realized I didn’t have to wait years to see CHiPs or my other favorite shows in French.

After that, I just learned everything in my new adopted language and became obsessed with info-tainment in the form of 20/20, Dateline and 48 hours, travel shows and This Old House.

Can you believe the term info-tainment used to mean: “News stories produced in short interesting segments.” (my own description). Today the term “info-tainment” doesn’t exist anymore because the word “news” refers to never-ending descriptions of Britney Spears panty-less partying.

So it’s fair to say that I have not been pondering semantics in French for a long time. I thought this video was precious. Basically it goes through the male definition for a large amount of French words then exposes the fact that the feminine version simply means: “whore”. A simple example of this in English would be Dog/Bitch. Luckily the French feminine version of programmer still means programmer!

A bit over 3 years ago when I became single after 10 years in long-term monogamous relationships, I signed up for Lavalife. I quickly found out that people don’t really use the dating and relationship sections, just the “player” one. I was kind of put off by most profiles and only got messages from 20 year olds. User base is a bit young. Still I met the most wonderful guy (still lovin’ after more than 3 years!) and also became acquainted with someone who introduced me to my friend Viky and consequently most of my female friends in Montreal. He also became a friend and frequent business partner. So while I think that Lavalife was mostly a bad source of datable men, there appear to be a few good apples in there.

I tried Science Connection. It is a site for science geeks. I have known of its existence since 1990 when they ran ads in Toronto weekend papers. I used to have a lot of time on my hands while working in a museum and would read the Ottawa, Toronto and Montreal Saturday papers from cover to cover during my shifts, including the funny personals. SC has very few members in my area, like 3 at the most. I dated M., a 52 year-old scientist who passed for 30 everywhere we went. He’s since move to Toronto. I also went on a date with a German post-doctorate from New York City. We ran around Soho looking for official fireman t-shirts. Often, very geeky guys find me amusing (maybe attractive) but are too shy to do anything about it. But it’s okay, it’s a date not a contest.

I was invited by a geeky friend to try Badoo (He’s yummy but would rather talk about dragons than take me out.) Profiles on badoo are robo-texted from a membership form. It has a wide base of users from other countries. It is also full of ‘Nigerian’ scammers. I quickly noticed that men on Badoo do not have reading or writing skills. Here are a few funny ones:

I deleted my profile a while back. I was irked by the messages I was getting even though I was specifically asking for LOCAL only, no chatting or camming. All I got was crude requests written in LOLCat. I could not find anything redeeming about Badoo to tell you about.

I recently created a profile on OKCupid. I joined a while back because of the funny tests.

As an aside, here’s my recent collection of funny questions from the site.

That’s what people in polling call a leading question. Bombs, no but AWESOME bombs, maybe!

This one from an equality and acceptance test. Had some interesting questions!

This from a sexual purity test that has 100 question and failed towards the end. I don’t have the patience to do it again. To think that when I saw this question at first I was like: “Kewl a new sex thing!”

OK Cupid is actually a dating site. It’s free and it is full of geeks!!! It must have a lot of shirtless 20 year-olds with backwards caps but I can’t see them because of the matching system. I feel like it’s 1994 again and I am surrounded by true tech nerds I already know W. my best match on the site. He clocks in a 80% compatibility way above everyone else. He is a fantastic person so I have confidence in their matching capabilities. I am surprised that guys read all the way through my purposefully long profile and make specific comments on parts of it. Wow, they can actually read, and even between the lines, impressive!!! Now all I have to do is kick myself out of the house to go on a date and I am doing that tonight.

I just had to make this into an actual sticker (click for large resolution). Maybe you have a car to stick it on! Inspired by this.