My sweetheart came home late on Friday night and said: ‘It’s very good for my 42 year-old ego to wipe the floor with a bunch of young guys.’ He had just finished four hours of training at his martial arts school where all but 2 of his students are half his age. The night before he told me how he planned to train his students until they couldn’t walk anymore (squats, push-ups and his special brand of crazy neurological shock exercises that make you want to vomit) and then do defense against multiple attackers. Then he said I would be happy to avoid that class. I retorted by asking: “You are having a Gang Rape Play class and think I will enjoy NOT being there?!?” That made him laugh… for quite a while. He can count on me to twist everything he says and does into a kinky way but I do it for entertainment.

What is interesting though is that all of his students pay for the privilege of getting a severe beat up and then come back for more. Maybe they are masochists…

I am not a masochist but I am in a truly happy relationship with a professional torturer. While all the other torturers I have known in my life are motivated by desperate fear and low self-esteem (abusive bullies) my sweetheart is a physical scientist who has spent decades studying how the body and brain works when it comes to violence and fear. He’s completely encompassed into this world of war nerdiness and all of his recent friends are special forces and combat geeks. This specialization is typical of his Aspergers but he is knowledgeable in other areas as well. Working with him has reduced my pain and stress-related tension levels and has improved my mobility. He walks on me, has attacked my permanently cramped muscles with whips, sticks, knives, shovels and hatchets. It is more painful than anything I have ever felt except of course being crushed in between two cars. All of this ‘therapeutic torture’ comes from a generous intelligent place making it beneficial physically and emotionally. The whole metaphysical aspect of his martial arts is a bit harder to grasp. His discipline comes from an old tradition of Soviet special forces and it’s only been practiced outside of the iron curtain for 15 years. I call his instructors vampires because it’s obvious they are not made from the same stuff that we are. I cannot explain their advanced capabilities as they seem to read and control the mind. So I continue to observe the interesting relationship he has with his students. While my boyfriend is not kinky, he understand the BDSM dynamic and has noted publicly the similarities in his field of work many years ago. He is his student’s Dom.

In the meantime I am learning to take care of my man in the same way because he is not immune to tension from spending most of his time training and grappling. So, I still get to whack the heck out of someone but with a more therapeutic inclination. This might be my Dominatrix Phd.

In the past 6 months I have learned to let go of my issues with pain. It’s important because I have a serious fear of winding up in the situation I was in 2008-2009 when pain from injuries sustained years before got so bad that it rendered me unable to think at the same level as before. I got mathematical amnesia and was unable to do my job (programmer analyst). I am working again in my field making continuous headway to my ideal job. But even though being in pain is no longer as stressful, I still harbour fear of losing my intellectual abilities because of it. I can accomplish really awesome things using my brain, from coming up with solutions to inventing stories to entertain and amuse my friends in a way that is more sustainable than by simply being pretty. In return I get compliments, admiration, love and long-term attachment in ways that always surprise me. I am very attached to my intellect!!!

As a woman, and an almost 40 year old one at that, it’s hard to blend in the martial art class. I am pitted against shy 17-21 year olds who take a long time to get passed the awkwardness of grappling with a woman. In my head I do not look at myself with the lens of gender and in essence always forget that I am a woman so when the mirror of my gender is thrown at me by my grappling opponent and I realize that we are not equal, it’s somewhat disappointing. I have finally convinced my ex (TPB) to continue coming with me because he is quite used to horizontal activities with me and the unintentional boob grabs don’t phase him. Of course, being close to him like that brings its own set of awkwardness but it beats being shoved around by the class dimwit uncoordinated gorilla who has injured me twice in the past two months.

When I can’t (or don’t want to) grapple with the young ones, I simply sit on the edge of the mat and watch my boyfriend tap out guys one after the other from his own class and his partner’s MMA class. And then we go out for burgers and talk about particle physics or the UFC and then go home to have sex. This has kind of been my life for a few months.

A few years ago I stumbled onto The Ultimate Fighter (season 6) and I have been a fan ever since. This show provides enough male-o-drama to satisfy my weekly cravings. Now that I have SpikeTV it’s hard to look away from the endless stream of UFC specials, recaps and compilations.

I am not unfamiliar with the world of fighting. I grew up on wrestling in the mid 70s. My experience of this entertainment started with the Rougeau Brothers and ended with the Roddy Piper. After that, wrestling became an overblown fake soap opera outside of the ring as well. While I was looking away I stumbled onto an epic episode of ‘The Weakest Link’ with the MacMahons as special guests and I was overjoyed to realize that HHH (fellow Québécois Paul Levesque) and his wife Stephanie, daughter of senate hopeful Linda McMahon, were quite witty and fun. In fact the meathead stereotype associated with fighters is incorrect. It would appear that there are more brainiacs per-capita in the UFC than in other professional sports.

This week, I was overjoyed by Bones when Temperance Brennan exclaimed ‘Eureka: A gathering of Guidos!’. I had been told to pay attention last year but never got passed the first episode of Jersey Shore, that documentary about the Guido tribe. Good thing our favorite anthropologist is paying attention! Myself, I will continue to study the UFC tribe which is surprisingly large.

The other night, I told my sweetie how my teenage boyfriend found me on Facebook. He is an Ontarian I met when our 9^th grade classes were matched in 1985. I can trace my total anglo-canadian fetish back to that exact day. I kissed him in the lobby of the Chateau Frontenac in Quebec City. It was a little bit passed the curfew! We continued our relationship for years through mail and the phone. I sent him lots of letters and even a topless picture of me. One thing that people don’t know about me is that I have lived a more eventful life than the average person and many of those experiences involve choosing to do risky things just for the experience. So one day I went to the local Zellers-type store at my local mall and stood hiding the photo chute for 4-minutes until my topless pictures came out. In today’s camera phone obsessed world it’s hard to know for sure, but there aren’t supposed to be any nude pictures of me on the Internet. When I was a senior in high school, I used my exemption from the English class to write my beloved Ontarian sexy stories. I am confident that doing so provided me with more education than being in a moronic English as a second language class. In fact I always had a disdain for ESL classes because they missed the mark completely by not teaching social and conversation English. Back then I read Penthouse Letters and watched Playboy Channel for a peek into adult culture. I also took over my college-level English class about idioms by using a particularly awesome vintage Rolling Stone Magazine articles about drugs.
During my long-distance teenage relationship with the sexy Ontarian, I remember I had other relationships, I have always been sort of poly I guess, even if I obeyed the physical rules of monogamy.

When I was 18 and between two stints as a tour guide (guiding groups of tourists in tour busses in U.S” and Canada), I was ‘technically single’ and I went to visit him. My stay there was rather awkward. I came home with a sense that he wasn’t that into me and continued my life. The next week I met Chuck in Amos (a fellow tour guide) and so many formative and life-changing things happened to me since then. When I read the profusely affectionate and apologetical e-mails he sent me this week, it seemed odd because to me, it seemed like he would have forgotten that I ever existed by now.

I guess Facebook does that to people every day, thrusting them back together after twenty years and giving them the opportunity to reconnect where they left off. But one thing is for sure is that I am not the same person I was twenty years ago and it is unusual to have someone in front of me who has no knowledge of my life adventures.
While I am always very attached to and place great value on people whom I have known for a long time, I don’t really need yet another married man friend in my life who comes to me for entertaining conversation, stories of my life on the other side and advice about marriage. It doesn’t bring me anything in return.

I’m still dating all the other guys I was dating last year while searching for my sweetie. I don’t consider that I have enough time to conduct another sexual relationship right now but it’s fun to be offered the possibility all the time. Even though I’m not open to having other sexual relationships right now the growing emotional attachment I have with the others winds up being the same as if we were having sex. I have decided not to close the door on my established relationship with my slave boy. But I have goals to accomplish before I can continue that relationship and, of course, I will have to have a discussion with my partner about it. Have you ever had a talk with your boyfriend that starts with: ‘How would you feel about me having a slave boy?’

ANNA

The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosch inspired Anna’s collection shown
in the last episode of The Fashion Show.

As a child I spent hours looking a this painting. We had a reproduction of this in three panels at home. Originally it seemed strange and pornographic. Today I find it quite entertaining and modern.

Can you spot the tit in the picture above?
How about the anal bead?

Click on the image and find the gerbil in a tube!

This painting delivers!

Anna’s collection was delightful.

It was not too matchy, in fact each piece could be declined into three garments and all of it is very sell-able. I loved her knit pieces which were very light and flowy espescially the one that incorporated a breastplate of long beads.

I loved the two dresses that were shown first.

But my favorite dress was the elephant print day dress…
It is sooo sexy secretary…

I want it!!!

While I think that all designers brought something great to the show,
Anna is the most obvious choice as her style and collection
is the most viable commercially.

Got your attention?!

I have listed my rope bondage kits on Etsy. These were sold during my Cock Bondage classes in March and I still have some. I plan on offering a few other naughty creations eventually. I have not submitted my candidacy as presenter for any upcoming shows in the US though I will likely be at Floating World 09 as M0j0D4ddy is presenting three classes. I’ll bring plenty of rope!

There is this fantastic show coming from the U.K. called The Sex Education Show. The information is passed on in a really mature matter of fact way and it’s not ewwww inducing like A Girls Guide to 21st Century Sex‘s super porno internal sex cam! I wish I could share this with my daughter but she cringes when she sees two people kissing. Well… she is only 8 now so I’ll keep it for later.

On another note…

See the couple’s page here.

Oh Stephen you made me blush with your show on Monday night… many times. And now that I have a laptop in my comfy bed, I can write down what I think without freezing my ass on a plastic chair. Which explains my recent long posts.

Do you know what Stephen Colbert does? He interviews serious guests in his blowhard conservative pundit character. He also talks directly to his viewer which can sometimes be freaky. On my birthday Stephen said that if I was a 35 y.o. woman today, my chances of finding a man were nonexistent… Hmmm, that was a really strange coincidence.

By now his guests know what he is going to do to them. There is one video of Stephen out there showing him interacting with John Kerry pre-interview however, it has never been clear how his guests are prepared.

Both Stewart and Colbert have high quality guests on. Many are unassuming and geeky authors who probably don’t have to put up with such a character on a regular basis. What I have figured out is that he will ask one question to let his guest “plug the product” but after that the gloves come off and the rest is an unexpected avalanche of rhetoric and twisted logic. His guest are left to fend for themselves. Some give him all the room and some manage to get a word in edgewise. They are unlikely to shut him up but it has happened.

I am most entertained when Stephen has women guests on. On Monday he had TWO female guests: Kathleen Parker, a syndicated columnist and Bethany McLean, author of “The Smartest Guys in the Room”.

McLean was absolutely delightful as she brought really serious issues to the table. She managed to get a lot of good points out even though Stephen was like a pittbull with her! I have absolutely no idea what went through her mind but I had the feeling I could see her heart miss a beat a few times… By the end she seemed upset in a “what the fuck just happened?” kind of way and as the camera went wide and faded Stephen seemed to notice and immediately grabbed her hand to do the aftercare!

Parker, who was the featured guest, seemed to enjoy her “conversation” with Stephen… and by that I mean “really enjoy it” the way I would… This episode is available online (Oct. 13, 2008) and I don’t want to read too much into the body language of people who will Google themselves to find that I have put their serious interview into a kinky context. Some people are quite masterful at putting serious politics into a kinky context (Dana Gould, 8mins+)

I can tell you what Stephen Colbert does to me though! One cannot expect what Stephen is going to say next and that is really exciting. He will bring something to the table and commit to it in a powerful way. He can completely overpower a conversation with gems of irony that make heads of state explode (pun intended.) Stephen has a huge set of brass balls and he is very proud of them. When Stephen speaks I cannot help but listen to everything he says and then try to dissect the layers of comedy and irony that he and his writers pack-in so tightly. Stephen has the best writers (with Emmy and Peabody to support that) but he must be praised highly for his delivery.

I am guilty of trying to drive conversations like Stephen and when my friends bite, it’s all sorts of fun… but I want to be on the receiving end of that conversation!

Something really awesome happened to me a few weeks ago and I am still giddy about it. Mr. M. and I were chatting through Skype and for some reason my mute button became activated. While I could hear him, he could not hear me but I assume he could see me. So as I was looking for which of the 3 ways the mute could be on he proceeded to verbally assault me for a few minutes. I was really impressed with how he berated me (incessantly and in a funny way.) I guess I could have been upset but instead, it tickled me in a very naughty way. He was essentially giving me a verbal spanking making it impossible to find what I was looking for. He made me giggly, shocked and excited but could not hear the results of his effect on me as my mute button was still on. I truly hope he saw me laughing and withering!

I have gotten into trouble with Mr. M. for assuming that what he does is deliberate and planned… Does he improvise or is he premeditated? I wonder this because I know I can be very premeditated as I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can steer conversations toward absurd comedy or make someone laugh. There is an enormous amount of intent in me and I am becoming more comfortable telling the world that I am not the wallflower I sometimes pretend to be.

I am not evil but I wish I was and I was able to play that character officially in a gamers magazine interview a few months ago. This interview was unanimously defined as hilarious. Moreover, the reaction male readers had was exactly on mark, they were shocked and scared of me, the evil dominatrix bent on taking over the world! I can’t ask for anything more!!!

Mr. M. can be Machiavellian in the way he puts forward his ideas and perhaps does not realize the exciting and awesome evil villain he brings to the table. This is but one of his Mad Skillz. He is a Valmont, but unlike the cruel ways in which the Vicomte has been portrayed (and I have avidly eaten all iterations), Mr. M. seemed to come along with a promise to reveal the humanity behind the man who corrupted Cecile and destroyed Madame de Tourvel. Are you seeing a theme here? What is improvised and what is premediated? Is it “I couldn’t help myslef” or “I actually meant to do that”? I know he is not evil but he is so good at the craft as he commits to it in very powerful way. While I admit that I did get drunk on this experience I retained a lot of my petulant self. Perhaps I hoped that Mr. M. would be a formidable opponent. I saw him as superior to me! In many ways, he was going to be the most fun and challenging person to lose to. At least I hoped he would win. However, when I clearly needed to be put in my place, he chose not to… so as not to be hurtful…

There is a duality in that… While being called on what I did or said could be construed as a bad experience, for me it is an enlightening experience. It is not just about being disciplined for doing something wrong but it’s also about realizing the exact consequences of my actions by hearing it from him, learning from that and hopefully reveling in how masterfully the lecture or correction is delivered. Sure the correction could be delivered constructively but also with a wide variety of emotions like anger, disdain, coldness, etc. but it is what it is and unfortunately it is not something I get to experience in play and too rarely in life.

Almost ten years ago I began a working relationship with a man who was loud, grumpy and impulsive. He even had a reputation for making people cry but I later learned that those people were easy cryers. He had one quality that I had never encountered in someone else: he could have a shouting match with me and never step out of line or bring the conversation down with irrelevant stuff. At first it was surprising! I don’t yell but I won my points enough times that he eventually handed over the keys to the castle. So I won… or did I? Because dealing with him so intensely on a daily basis made me feel really happy, excited and alive. It was awesome fuel. Today, we are attached to each other in blissful way… His love, acceptance and encouragement has effectively fueled my ability to deal with really hard situations and challenges. We don’t fight anymore. We seems to agree on everything. We seem to understand and trust each other fully.

I can honestly say that it is where I had wished to go with Mr. M. so I gave him the opportunity to define a place for me that I agreed with (check!) and then put me into it officially an masterfully. I know it’s a huge expectation. I am a dominant person (a survivalist) which seems at odds with the developing dynamics between Mr. M. and I but the “negotiation” process I am referring to is just that… a back and forth planning process that can come across as un-romantic. For me, it’s really exciting, because I like procedures. Also, it is what I learned from my Lady and from Midori over the years. It is the only way that I know to get to SSC or RACK. However, it comes from a very clinical BDSM framework and it killed the magical meeting of the minds that originally happened between us.

Sigh…

My daughter loves Hannah Montana and for once I agree with a 7 year old’s choice of music idol. Miley Cyrus is undeniably talented and as long as she continues releasing the kind of music she introduced us to on her “Introducing Miley Cyrus” album she will do well.

What really annoys me though is that the media is so tired of Lindsay, Britney and Paris that they are trying to make every little thing Miley does out to be slutty, whorish and bad.

Adults use younger and younger kids every year in order to make money and I find this page unacceptable (Best Week Ever My Lil’ Miley Facebook Application.)

When Annie Leibovitz took a picture of Sting muddy and naked on a dry lake I was all like “wow!” Did the media make a fuss about it, start writing articles about his privates or making comments about every detail of his body? No.

When Annie Leibovitz took a picture of Whoopi Goldberg in a bathub full of milk, did anybody make a fuss? No.

Then Annie Leibovitz took a picture of Miley Cyrus in a bed sheet. People started crying wolf, making a huge fuss enough to prompt Cyrus to tell the world she was “embarrassed”. This whole fiasco is mostly embarrassing to Annie Leibovitz who delivered a bland, very boring portrait of Cyrus proving that she consulted with Cyrus and her entourage during the shoot. It was not at all inappropriate or shocking! In 10 years, this portrait will have historical significance but for now it is just a boring portrait of a 15 year old girl in a bed sheet.

Annie Leibovitz is one of the most innovative and talented photographers of our era yet most people in America don’t know or understand her work.

Sometimes it seems that people in the media are just too young or ignorant to analyze a situation within it’s real context considering history in the process. They just yap like little dogs at everything that walks by hoping to stir controversy and fill airtime.

I have just cheated and watched the 5 finalists’ collections online. I am overwhelmed with the talent of these people! I liked Chris March’s use of human hair. I have a friend who had a flogger made from her own hair so I am not shocked at all. Chris March has the making of a great couturier. I want to see his humongous scarf up close and I want to know more about it.

Recently my friend J came over (She is the one I referred to as her in a previous post.) We swapped cool things. I have lost weight and my stuff is too large. Most of my stuff has also been downsized 1 or 2 times already so I am tired of always resewing it. I gave her most of my lingerie and a lot of clothing that is too large but I would never be able to re-fashion. Some of the pieces I’ve had for 10 years and they are like new. I knew I needed to kick myself in the butt to either buy or make something new and it worked.

I just made a beautiful 20cm wide belt with leather I got from Master Andre a year ago. Can you tell what I used to finish it and make the lace holes? Right now I feel like MacGiver for making all of this from free, found, gifted and recycled materials. The kimono top is a different matter. This slinky polyester is a nightmare to work with and I have never really completed a garment for myself.

But it’s fun!

UPDATED: My red obi is about 5 CM too long for my body. Oh the horror! I am not going to the party afterall, I put my back out trying to put that thing on. Better luck next time.

How to Survive a Physical Attack: Punches and Chokes. Read it, watch it, it’s good