Only in America can a pornstar hire one of the most well-known lawyers in the country to get CNN to broadcast her request for an apology from a celebrity sportsman who appears to be done with her.

I cannot believe that Gloria Allred kept a straight face as she explained that her client halted her career as a pornstar because her lover, Tiger Woods, a married man, was jealous and did not want her to be with other men.

How can a woman, Joslyn James, who chooses of her own free will to pursue a relationship with a married man have any recourse to accuse him of lying when he is either forced to end the relationship upon getting caught or she discovers that she is not the only “other one”.

The daily nitty gritty of their relationship as could be gauged from text messages, e-mails or phone calls, means absolutely nothing considering that they come from someone who has affective issues (sex addiction)

If this is not obvious to this woman, an she is after all a porn star in her 20s born yesterday, then it should be explained to her at length by the people she is seeking legal COUNSEL from. She said: “I do not wish to be a burden to his family” is complete horseshit as she does not have any legal recourse against Woods. If this were true she could certainly shut up. The only way she can eek out a settlement will be by legally polluting his family’s life with the embarrassing rehash of the minutia of their relationship until Wood’s legal team pays her a settlement plus legal bills.

It is very transparent extortion and Allred is driving this circus as she has done many times before. Seeking financial gain from rich assholes is a business that is booming in the US.

I am used to being pursued by married men, know how to put things in perspective and manage my life accordingly. I am also polyamorous and gladly teach men to attain the same lifestyle I enjoy (happy non monogamy) and I don’t think that people are naturally monogamous. I would never in a million years throw away my privacy and quality of life by attracting such attention to myself no matter which superstar I was involved with. I am a bit bewildered that someone with the charisma and the social and financial means that Tiger Woods has could not figure out how to have his cake and eat it too. The amount of mess and embarrassment he has created for himself is monumental. His private life is none of our business but he obviously made a huge mistake by bedding so many attention-wh*res who are all too happy to brag about their involvement with him.

These mistakes understandably impact the part of his career tied to endorsements but as far as the golf is concerned, this should not be an issue.

On the other hand, none of his mistresses, no matter how special they think they are have any legal recourse against him for cheating, lying or any promises he made while vertical or horizontal. Unless one of them can prove that she successfully tricked him into getting her pregnant, it’s simple extortion… in the latter case it’s fraud but that’s another ball of wax.

I am so incensed that CNN chose to air 5 minutes of the Allred press conference right after Wood’s apology. Since I heard about the incidents that lead to this media circus last year I paid very little attention to the stories other than be outraged at the pollution of supposedly serious media with the minutia of Tiger Wood’s alleged second life.

But now can we just get over it and move on?

I have been writing articles for my upcoming sex education website paying special attention on outlining my articles on porn. While I will attempt to provide some useful info on a category of 13,000 products that fail to come with instructions, I do not plan on selling porn. Not that it wouldn’t be a great cash cow but I haven’t made money from porn online so far so now is a great time NOT to start. I feel that in a sea of ’sex products’ pornography is the one commodity that adds absolutely no value to consumer’s life. And it’s going to be quite interesting to write how porn fails to deliver on all levels and go through the long list of misinformation that is propagated by porn.

Yesterday I watched BBC3’s 2007 special Teens Hooked on Porn (it is available on Youtube) and I was quite shocked. For the past year I have been keen to progressively kick one of my partners into sex rehab after realizing that his addiction to online dating sites and porn is keeping him back in all areas of life. I was shocked to see these 16-year-old boys progressively destroy their potential for life enjoyment though abusive use of pornography. How sad it is to discover sexuality as a packaged product rather than the old fashion way (secretly making out in the shed!?) When you think about it, us girls still had to put up with old gropey pervs who made inappropriate comments when we were growing up (in the 80’s) altering our perception of adulthood, sexuality and men. And it sucked. When boys tap into pornography they are inviting the same kind of ideas, short-circuiting their brain before they even develop their ability to socialize with their peers and girls. What I have been discovering over the past 5 years of talking about porn and asking questions is that porn is very harmful to men in so many ways.

So about a month ago I realized that I did not want to enter into a lifelong commitment with someone whom I feel is on the road to personal destruction. And I am not talking here about how his addictions are fucking up any and all chances for us to have a normal relationship but how it is first and foremost making him his worst enemy. Sex addiction is tricky because it would appear that it has very little to do with sex and a lot to do with socio-affective anxiety. I live for the day I can take him along when traveling around the world to document that happy, joyful, sad and shocking state of sex around the world today, however, at this stage he would not be able to deal with this and not because of the topic of sex, because of the issues of violence, hate, anger, misogyny and bullying that surround the commercialization of sex as a product.

I was quite surprised that rather than walk away he has made every effort to address the situation seeking a therapist for weekly sessions and going to SAA group 2-3 times a week. He even deleted all his online dating accounts and porn and has maintained sobriety for over a month. While I am very impressed, it is most interesting to talk about it and see his outlook change from a culture of outside validation to a state of inner satisfaction with accomplishing a bunch of stuff he had put off. Because that is the issue here… not HOW he spends his time (he could be wasting time gaming or drinking… it’s all the same) but the fact that he makes a concerned effort to accomplish things that are important to him and that is what fills the well of self worth, creates joy and attracts interaction with other joyful people.

More and more I feel that addiction to porn or reliance on less mindfull entertainment like video games, movies/TV and online memes is a sign that someone has fallen into the soul killing downward spiral of :

Loneliness and Boredom

(This entry was written around September 15 and has been edited for verb tense.)

You know, it has gotten to the point where I can simply write things down in a script as they happen rather than make shit up… The universe is telling me to write… perhaps even something that would be read by someone else and not just this blogging into the void of space.

A few weekends ago I had a wonderful date. After a full day of kinky Fetish Weekend workshops I met up with the guy from Boston. We’ve been chatting casually on and off and it’s surprising to me how he comes off as an easygoing, fun to be with teenager. Though it’s important to state that he is in his early forties! I REALLY like a guy with a nice package (err.. by that I mean a nice package of education and life experiences.) There is a world of difference between me, a maladjusted orphaned college dropout poly kinkster who wants to make her next career writing quasi-porno entertainment for adults and a VP who has conveniently studied at the world’s most celebrated colleges and universities and is so ’special’ he got two fellowships (I looked him up!) I told him that I am looking for someone fitting his profile (busy, accomplished, dad, forties, cute!) however I wondered if my whole dominatrix sex educator/writer personae would fly with the hypothetical-husband’s friends and co-workers in the stuffy world of billionaire venture capitalists. He answered, with a chuckle, “Well I think he would be proud!” which is a great answer I wasn’t expecting at all. However, he does have an awkward co-parenting arrangement and he travels extensively so we’ll see how this goes.

Oh and about the kinky workshops. Most of them were on rope with Rigger Jay and Dov. And I was wearing a tribal necklace made of three t-shirts cut into stretched strips. I realized that within this necklace of long loops was enough material to tie a whole person up : ) Put that away for when I want to bring bondage equipment somewhere very discreetly. I also practiced, with jute rope, on a really sexy woman who said she should take me back to her hotel room : P And as usual, I just brushed it off as a joke even though I recently came to the conclusion that women are mostly serious when saying this kind of thing to me Hahaha! But I shall continue to pretend it’s a joke, I have enough woman worries as it is.

So what else is new? You remember Paisley, the chick who completely fell in love with my Daddy and has been on his case ever since? Well she has a lot of stuff in her bag of tricks. However, those tricks cannot possibly be the techniques she teaches in her classes on how to seduce a man. Next trick would be: Lesson number 16: Get pregnant so he’ll be stuck with you.

A few weeks ago she turned to me to get support because things weren’t going HER WAY with Patrick. Awkward? Not really, I was totally expecting it. I was deadpan realistic with her and she told me she would move on. I have not spoken to her since then. However she has kept e-mailing, texting and calling him ever since and he has been trying to let her down gently. I told him that he cannot win with her and therefore he should simply strategize to “lose less”. Which is a very toned down version of the way I usually teach/coach a guy on how to ‘control them bitches’ LOL

Right now Paisley is in the process of burning down the house that she cannot get into. She is driving a wedge between Patrick and I. Perfect! It is those moments that make us stronger!

I find all of this drama rather interesting. I am trying to impart upon Patrick the importance of not reacting too fast and planning ahead. Paisley will not shut up and has been pushing all his buttons at the same time leaving him bewildered, confused and tired. Again… not a very good man hacking trick and not very becoming of a slave looking for a Master. While I have been letting Patrick deal with this on his own he does talk to me about it. Her technique of seducing him has been to burn his ear off for hours on end every single day with her every feeling and thoughts and telling him how fantastic she is and using every emotionally manipulating phrase she can think of. Her offer is basically “I am everything you will ever need” but you have to sing on the dotted line RIGHT NOW or I will vanish forever.

I told her initially how I won Patrick’s attention for a few days and turned it into a few weeks, months and still working everyday to turn it into years. She said that in her case it cannot be like that because her situation with Patrick is romantic.

How do I loathe people who think romance and relationahips are magical and require no work? Lots! Plonk!

Now she is part of the past. But she turned out to be a good teachable moment.

Now back on the home front…

I have a new slave boi. He is quite the keeper (He’s still going on about how cool it was for him to read that LOL) After our first meeting he drove me to Ottawa to meet my lift for Floating World. How conveenient! And this week he drove me around on his motorcycle. Tonight we are going to go shopping for vintage cars and then go to a huge sex shop. But there is only one thing on my shopping list…

What is a relationship?

Well in medieval times it seems that a woman would find herself in a ‘relationship’ once she was abducted by a pillaging knight… I’m not going to list all the ways in which people have been thrust together in matrimony over the years but simply fast forward to the 20th century where men and women choose each other and either marry or simply cut the red tape and shack up. but even within this freedom to choose a mate I still feel like there is a huge bag of expectations from society about what a relationship should be.

I got married once because… well… because I felt that this is what was expected of me in order to be an adult. Then I quickly ran away from my extremely possessive, jealous and increasingly aggressive husband. I then made the mistake of getting together with #2 less than a week later. Though we were together 7+ years we broke up when he became, you guessed it, possessive, jealous and increasingly aggressive! Then I thought: “Holy Fuck! There’s something wrong with ME!” I then decided not to be in another relationship until I figured out what in me made my man possessive and jealous like that.

However, I immediately fell for my beloved BeardedDicaprio and we will soon be celebrating 5 years of happy non-relationship

I just love my non-relationship with him. I have never met his parents or his family. They don’t even know I exist. I mean if they did then they would definitely have expectations and that would give both of us ulcers because we would have to TELL them about our non-relationship status. It is a wonderful feeling to be on the same page with a guy and be able to communicate about our romantic situation without feeling all weird. I have always looked forward to the day when I can go to his wedding and simply be the miscellaneous friend. I would certainly attend with the only person we know in common. She is a trans woman who worked with him before she transitioned and whom I have only known as a woman.

So since then I have said fuck you to the man and I am having my relationships however which way I want them.

My lover, Mr. P. and I have a lot of fun talking about our relationship. He is incredibly straight forward and not at all diplomatic when talking about this sort of thing. I appreciate honesty and straight-forwardness. However, he gets a lot of crap from women because he also thinks outside the box when it comes to relationships. He is mostly monogamous but he HATES being horded by a woman. But I do not hoarde him. So that is why I have asked him to be my husband only on Tuesdays or Thursdays. And to my surprise today he admitted that he was having fun telling his girlfriends that I had asked that of him. But we are not on the same page for he, being the dominant man that he is, wished that it was a floating day that he could choose. So this is where we are at.

It is worth mentioning that Mr. P. is a 46 year-old libertarian and that he is incredibly intelligent and he has his own ideas about marriage and how it should be. I think that we should all be free to define our own relationships so I welcome his ideas. He has told me that marriage should be a timed contract with an expiration date. This makes sense since marriages seem to already have expiration dates anyway and the fact that they are life contracts is simply making lawyers richer. If I had a timed marriage and my husband was wishy-washy about renewing when the time came around then I would know our time is up and plan to move on.

When people around me and my ex would bring up marriage around me and my ex I simply would skirt the issue and say: “I’m still married to the old one!” within earshot of EVERYONE. This prevented the new one from popping the question. I still had his baby and bought a house with him and those two contracts considered both of us as equal people.

Traditional marriage does not treat men and women as equal.

I am planning my union with M0j0D4ddy and I would like to tell everybody around me about it but I can’t because we are not getting married, we are defining our relationship 2.0… and that’s kind of hard to sell to people who didn’t even know you could invent a new relationship to call you own.

But it’s still fuckin’ fantastic!!!

I enjoyed a great weekend at Floating World 09, met interesting people and continued to observe life on the fringe. Coming back, I thought I would write about all the fun I had there and some really awesome developments in my life but this whole big article will be about a tiny sliver.

I have been watching a bit of Rock of Love, Daisy of Love and Charm School recently. I want to understand the under culture of decorative people (espescially women) and try to figure out their appeal to men. As I watch the antics, cat fights, terrible language and general lack of class… I don’t see it.

We don’t have this culture here in Canada. Sure Montreal has it’s slew of prostitutes, strippers and porn stars but it’s easy to understand who they are and what they accomplish for a living. In the U.S. it’s different. Tila Tequila proved that one can become a celebrity without doing much more than being decorative and milking it for all it’s worth. In Tila’s case, her claim to fame was having the most friends on MySpace. But she wasn’t the first girl famous for being famous, just the first to emerge from Web 2.0 which makes it easy for girls who do not have the technical Savvy of a Cindy Margolis or Danni Ashe to post pictures of themselves and quickly garner thousands of pervy fans. Long before the Internet, there was Carmen Electra, Tawny Kitaen, Apollonia Kotero and others who basically stuck around forever after being in one movie or music video. Through the rise and fall of Anna Nicole Smith, I have watched various media outfits like Entertainment Tonight and E! take advantage of her ‘sex’-appeal for ratings. Throughout and right up until her death, ANS seemed oblivious to the fact that her life was a modern-day freak show.

Nevertheless, there seems to be hundreds of self-made Myspace models who are breaking out as semi-professionals by appearing on a variety of reality shows turning their Online popularity into fancy confined living, free drinks and a chance to open-mouth kiss an ugly Rock Star on national television (ewww!.) I am trying really hard to think of someone who might have broken through the stampede of heavily tattooed and wigged chicks in stripper heels to emerge as an inspiration for the rest of us. I give up…

Of all the decorative people in Hollywood, Megan Hauserman is probably one of the most active models appearing on countless reality shows. I have always liked Megan since I first saw her on one of my favorite shows Beauty and The Geek (which she won) a few years back. However, Megan seems to have acquired a few monkeys on her back and made some questionable business decisions. When watching the preview first episode of Megan Wants a Millionaire six weeks ago, it became obvious to me that VH1 is punking Megan by introducing her to 14 rather unattractive men who just happen to be millionaires. It would have been great to see if, despite this, Megan would find a gem. However, the one contestant who was somewhat palatable was recently found dead following an apparent suicide after being chased down by the police and accused of killing his quickie Vegas bride and stuffing her dismantled body in a suitcase. This unfortunate turn of events has forced VH1 to cancel Megan Wants a Millionaire… not that I would have watched the train wreck anyway.

So it goes without saying that I have always wondered about the secret life of decorative women who live in dramarama, err… Hollywood and get invited to every party at the Playboy mansion.

I had the pleasure of meeting such a person recently. After admitting that she had read everything I had ever written (elsewhere and under a different pseudonym LOL) and was intimidated at the thought of meeting me, she proceeded to tell me about herself so I would agree to let her spend time with MY man. This is rather amusing. Of course I did not object… Unless she was carrying a concealed weapon or was completely crazy.

So let’s call her Paisley for simplicity’s sake. She is quite nice and interesting and I took an immediate liking to her. However she also said her IQ was 183! When we spent time together I was more concerned with listening to her than making fun of her for being quite exceptional considering an IQ is usually measured on a scale capping at 165. Having M0j0D4ddy otherwise occupied with a girl allowed me to have important conversations with very important people and sleep at night!

While I am pretty sure Paisley really is a quasi-famous pole dancer, she also said she was an experienced model and would be in a few publications I am familiar with including Forbes.

For various reasons if Forbes actually puts her and other “women in the business” in a pictorial in their magazine it will change everything (I have already publicly riled against CNN, Time Magazine and Forbes for dousing their Web media counterpart with sex in order to get more eyes on their content.) But I am dubious as to the stories of this professionally decorative woman because she also said she would be in/on Perfect 10 and I was sure they were all about women who did not have implants!? But in all it was super interesting to spend time with her.

But then I started thinking…

Pretty women are rarely contradicted therefore they develop and very high opinion of their own intellect and personality. I also have this theory that being singled out as beautiful from early on in life will influence someone to put too much importance on outward appearance over intelligence or learned abilities. While I personally cannot help but be in awe of someone male or female who is naturally beautiful without any artifice, beauty in itself is no accomplishment to be proud of. However, it is the most important quality in U.S. culture. Beauty is also the last bastion of sexism. In media and entertainment, men are chosen based on competence and women often need to be both competent and beautiful to stand out. And if competence is not that important, as is the case for much of TV talking heads, beauty must win over brains as so many anchorwomen have that deer caught in the headlights look permanently plastered on their face.

My uncle, who is close to 80, lives in Florida and spends six weeks a year in Canada remarked on the difference in the quality of news anchors in Canada VS the U.S. this weekend. This also prompted a discussion on the importance of beauty over competence and the confusion between fame and infamy in the U.S. where someone can attain great fame simply by being controversial and stupid…

So back to my recent encounter with Paisley… Being set aside after a 48 hour fling, she has developed an interesting case of desperation and is coming off as the complete opposite of who she said she is. She is a ticking bomb… though going off would not serve her very well. I have watched as she has fallen madly in love with MY man and is trying desperately to worm her way into his life. For months I have been telling M0j0D4ddy that he is not very good at protecting his time which, coupled with his ability to get distracted by shiny things, will forever leave him without any feelings of accomplishing concrete things. Of course that is only a small glimpse into a bigger picture but this is a beautiful opportunity to watch him try to manage this woman in a way that is appropriate to the situation. Unfortunately, this is a reactive situation, yet again and very few good things come out of reactive situations. I much rather plan ahead… After all M0j0D4ddy’s life is a story I’ve already written.

In this case I correctly guessed that any new conquest who met me and got my approval would like me and then when things didn’t match her fantasy anymore, she would look to me for support, cliff notes, F.A.Q., etc. As she calls me to get support, I try to be a realist and tell it to her like it is. I sincerely would like us to be friends in the long run. Time will tell if she uses this information to walk away gracefully or create more drama and continue to act the opposite of how she said she would manage the situation. But throughout the week I have seen her use a few manipulative techniques that I do not approve of. Perhaps I will write about those eventually.

As a proverbial ‘Fuck You’ to ‘The Man’, I am having brunch on a Wednesday and making out in a vegetarian restaurant.

I’ve been waiting for the end of July for a while so that all the kinky fun I have planned in August can start. But I decided to start a bit early. This week I was tinkering and made a really awesome flogger from a t-shirt. Yeah, you read that right, a flogger from an old 25 cent man’s black t-shirt that I got at a thrift store. That’s not what it was supposed to be originally for but that what it turned into. And it is quite exquisite. Not only is it light and soft but it provides a very interesting sting. I had Mr. P. try it out on me when he picked me up for our little bi-weekly fruits & veggies shopping date. It is not as stingy as a parachute rope flogger and not as thudy as a leather flogger but it works. Now I must find an even bigger t-shirt to start from so I get extra long tails. It’s yet another work in progress.

Today was a very nice sensual day. Yesterday I took it upon myself to write a little note to a guy who made my day. I often watch TED.com talks but his talk on life’s successes and failures rang a bell. So I woke up to a very nice note from him. What this prolific author and journalist doesn’t know is that I am a fan. He is quite the philosopher but he has a very sensual side to him. In fact I think he is quite gorgeous. I wanted to tell him that I really loved how he described the special feeling, texture and look of the walls in and around the modernist Swiss house he grew up in. De Botton’s childhood home was built around an atrium in the style of a Zen garden and has humongous windows that open wide to make the occupant feel as if he is outside. It is one of the most awesome houses I have ever see in a TV show. But yesterday’s conversation was mostly about work and I left out the fangirl gossip.

Today I got together to talk about work with an old employee who is now a peer. We do the exact same thing though I am more technical. I had not seen him face to face for 6 years. He is looking quite good! We have been going up for the same mandates recently and exchanging some info along the way. So we have decided to write a modern description of what we do in order to better sell our respective services to companies who need us. But also we have a little side project… Let’s call it our ‘Zack & Miri Make a Porno’ project though it is far more sophisticated and complex to undertake. He has access to a legendary erotic brand and the brand owner wants to see that brand live again. I am very familiar with the brand having read the books when I was 9 or 10, seen all the movies and have literally lived my whole life to become the embodiment of that brand! I have told so many people that the only reason I have never worked on erotica/porn on the Web because everything has been done before… However, if I could do something awesome, positive and new… I would. So as usual, what I ask for has been delivered in the form of an opportunity and it is mine to coddle and harvest. we had a wonderful ‘producer’ meeting and from it we have 3-5 projects brewing.

In the afternoon I scheduled a little ‘why not?!’ meeting with a young guy who had contacted me recently. I cannot meet every Tom, Dick and Harry who sends me messages through my profiles on social sites but this one is remarkably adorable. More and more I find psychological BDSM play to be VERY amusing.  And we had a lot of fun in the one restaurant we could find that had effective air conditioning. After 3 hours of talking about sex within earshot of senior citizens in a Cora… the empty restaurant was a welcomed respite. And we had a lot of fun. He is quite the keeper and he will make a very nice puppy. It’s a good thing that I have been growing my nails very long. It will be easier to carve out the words ‘pet’ with long nails. I tried that on a MMA fighter a few months ago but I only got out the P and E before he realized this wasn’t a good idea after all…

Tonight I had the option of going to boink the BeardedDiCaprio but since I am on a long vacation by myself, I can be a bit more flexible with my schedule. Of course the Bodyguard is coming back from The Tundra tomorrow so I look forward to seeing him again pretty soon. If he is not immediately shipped off to China, we can look at my new book on International security and pick the places where he would enjoy working the most. But while it is fun to help others with their career I have to line up some contracts for myself and work on my own projects foremost.

It is interesting how in the context of getting to know him for the purpose of a romantic connection in the future, I set aside judgment on his issues. I understand that when people do not know each other very well, they can be guarded, defensive or on their best behavior.

However when he said “we were developing a neutral friendship…” Mr. M. did two things (unintentional as usual). He confirmed that he was ‘not that into me’ and he changed the lens with which I was looking at him. Both things are good. I had been looking for a ‘No’ from him so it was very liberating to read it… it could have been less vague and less wishy washy but nonetheless I will gladly take it and run.

The most surprising thing however was that when I started looking at him with ‘friend material’ scrutiny, I was immediately appalled at all that he is and everything he does. It was surprising, shocking and quite sobering. I explained this to Mr. M. and perhaps I sounded full of myself when I wrote that I have absolutely fantastic friends and the competition is stiff in that arena!  So maybe I was full of my wonderful supportive friends. Anyhow, it wasn’t poetic but I don’t expect a response from him…

He has gotten back together with his ‘newish girlfriend’ for the second or third time in the past few months. The best thing that can happen now is for that to work out well for them.

I shall go back to my old way of picking boyfriends, from the list of guys who are into me and seemingly compatible and work my way from there and now I feel even more confident in my recent decisions.

The Bodyguard returns from the Tundra in nine days. The Anchorman is in the middle of Nowhere, Ontario for the summer. The guy who is too young for me is strangely mature-acting and looking for 26. My Daddy is getting better and he can’t wait for us to resume having normal conversations (not that we ever talk about ‘normal’ things.) And last but not least, I am enjoying seeing the BeardedDiCaprio more than usual.

I started watching ‘Hung’ and it is somewhat interesting. Though it has prompted me to launch another crazy Craigslist social experiment. Yes, another complicated secret Craigslist social experiment.

I think Britney Spears met my M0j0D4ddy and wrote a song about him. But all things considered I have developed a comprehensive appreciation of him over the past 9 months. This weekend I woke up to the fact that I have developed really useful skills in relationship building and managing.

I mean I must not have been that bad at it before having juggled the 4 boyfriends BUT I think that having one relationship for the long term with a piece of work, no less, would be A LOT more complex.

I am kind of tortured right now. I am being deluged with flowers, adoration and praise by those who actually deserve my attention and yet, out of the blue, Mr. M. shows up to ask a whole bunch of questions about my current relationships and plans. He seems to love to prove me wrong so he has not disappeared at the first sign of conflict but hey, it’s barely been a week!

Of course I have current relationships and plans. Have I ever not had those!? He kind of waltzes in like he’s Caesar or somthin’ asking a whole bunch of personal questions (bringing us right back to square one of what we want/need from each otehr and life in general…)

I have current relationships and plans with guys who are not too impressed with how Mr. M. wooed me and sort of dumped me 10 months ago… look it up! I have an active love-life and while I look forward to focusing on a spouse in a monogamous relationship, I cannot easily be plucked from my life and conveniently divorced from it… Even by the Prissy Emperor.  At least now I much less inept, hapless and uncontrolled around him… I have been working on my secretarial skills with M0j0D4ddy for the past 9 months! I’ve even been working on the silly, silly girl part!

Today, at lunch, I fessed up to The General that while last year he suggested a definite NEITHER when I posed the question: “M0j0D4ddy or Mr. M.?” I seem to be stuck with both. Mr. M. because, well, just because I have annoying inexplicable feelings of wanting him ohhh so very much… and M0j0D4ddy because I have worked my butt off to define a custom-made lifetime relationship that is really cool for each one of us (The stage after our current Boss/Secretary-like thing.)

Scandalously, that relationship is akin to a BDSM Daddy-Girl dynamic (which can mean a million things.) The General, who is a vanilla dad, asked: “WTF, is a Daddy-Girl relationship!?” and I simply answered: “It’s the exact same thing as you and me!!!” That he seemed to understand quite well even in his hyper-vanilla way LOL Originally when I was attracted to The General I did not know that the mentorship-protection-encouragement was what I was actually looking for from him. I pondered this for years! I don’t say that I have daddy-issues… I have ‘no-daddy’ issues hahaha

In the past 5 years I have dissected what I want from that dynamic and the fact that I have been able to maintain healthy and very happy relationships with men over the past 5 years is entirely related to the love and support that I get from The General (and he knows it.) So it would appear that in absence of having a supportive family of my own, this relationship is key to me having the strength and security to deal, intelligently and gracefully, with all those relationship issues that normally arise as well as with personal issues such as parenting, health and work. But The General is moving on this Fall or early next year… hence the opening for a new mentor-type in my life.

So I told my would-be Daddy this weekend that I was seriously considering petitioning him officially for this role. It’s a lifelong leather-bond. In our definition it is non-romantic and non-sexual and not particularly Dom/sub either, simply the close protective emotionally bonded relationship of two people who have projects and goals in common. I once wrote that I wanted a pet lion because I was unaware of the existing Daddy-girl dynamic and I got myself EXACTLY that. I’m not letting go!!! And I have been “Daddy’s little princess that can do no wrong” for a while already and I hear all the time how he is very proud of me.

But there are variables that I do not know of. How do our prospective spouses (that do not exist at this time) deal with this very non-traditional relationship?! We both REALLY want to get married again! I want to be with a man who is strong enough to deal with this and I inform the men I date of my ’special’ relationship with M0j0D4ddy ahead of them becoming attached or possessive of me. But unless M0j0D4ddy and I travel together, which we should do a few times a year, he lives 1000 miles away and doesn’t believe in meddling in my relationships. It is super obvious to me that none of my existing mentor-type relationships, even though they have existed for 1-10 years, would supersede my relationship with my spouse…

So I continue to ponder my decision while my pet lion is already rolling around purring all happy. I think I am going to make and send him something crafty this week as I await for his roar to come back. The poor kitty has lost his voice after breathing particles while isolating his attic.

Oops, I don’t think this is what the writer wrote but while we are on the subject… Yes I would like intelligent sex, who wouldn’t. Oh and the crap I have put up with in order to get there in my life is immense.

I think, I formulate hypothesis and then ask a bunch of overly-personal questions… It yields interesting albeit frightening answers sometimes.

I don’t want to be out of touch, I have been really interested how teenagers grow and mature into adults. And I am also interested in generational differences and how people turn out differently depending on the quality of their relationship with their parents. Mind you I do it also to figure out how to raise my child to become a happy fulfilled independent adult. It is not obvious because I have raised 7 boys but now I have a daughter! Maybe I will have a daughter who is well informed on the matter of boys! Right now we talk about friendship and girl-cliques a lot. I am also concerned with age-appropriateness of the things I teach her. We have started talking about the internet, consumerism and cell phones. Next year she will be in third grade and that’s when everything starts to change.

But there’s a long way ’til the end of high school and college still. And right now I’m doing some research with university students to assess their needs for self-defense classes, notably Patrick’s Modern self-denfense class that addresses recent statistics of acquaintance sexual assault and rape.

I was very fortunate to have a conversation with a recent university grad last night and when he saw the course ware for Modern Self-Defense for Sexual Situations that become Non-Consensual, he said quite matter-of-factly that this was a sorely needed class. This class was originally developed for people involved in the BDSM lifestyle and those are usually more self-aware and negotiation-oriented than your average vanilla peeps. However, Patrick and I are re-working it for an audience of people who seem to need it way more notably college & university-aged women as well as sex workers, transsexuals and gay men. For each clientele the documentation and the communication has to be adapted because this is a touchy subject and it is really hard to convince people to take this compulsory life class. People would rather not think about it or talk about it.

I asked my recent university grad a bit of a downer question… But it is the basis for the current documentation I am writing for the college version of this class.

Out of all your girlfriends in your Facebook list, 20-25% of them have been sexually assaulted or raped. Do you know who they are?

He answered: “Unfortunately, yes…” It was interesting for me to listen to his take on the matter.

Self-defense classes are available but there aren’t enough instructors who specialize in real-world situations faced by young people today espescially young women 18-25. Let’s face it, women are sexually active and therefore encounter guys who range the scale from clueless to careless to just plain dangerous. And then there are those who are simply bad. But much harm is done by the first category and girls should learn to avoid or protect themselves against all bad sexual situations that could become non-consensual.

Over the years I’ve listened and and heard…

I told him to put on a condom but he tricked me and didn’t use one.

He bit me too hard.

He came once, didn’t tell me and we kept having sex. This is likely how I got pregnant.

I have a stupid random question, Is is rape if you were under the influence?

I believe that a happy safe sex life for men and women is born of sex education and sexual confidence. There is a lack of sex education if these kinds of situations keep happening every few seconds.

Self-defense is only one part of the puzzle but it is necessary and should be pursued on a regular basis. This is something women should be involved in on a yearly basis if one does not want to pursue a regular weekly martial arts program.

Patrick will be coming back to Montreal and hopefully Ottawa to teach. You can write to me to be notified when that happens at evavavoom [at] gmail.com. There will be separate and specific clientele-based classes and the curriculum is based on three years of listening to the specific questions of students in the class and the most recently available statistics from various rape-crisis center in North-America’s colleges and universities.

In Toronto, Sex educator Viktoria organizes Women’s REALISTIC Self Defense classes with her martial arts and self defense instructor. Write or call Viktoria for info ladyviktoria [at] ymail.com or 416-887-5621.

*Photo by nyki_m