Over the past thirty years I have observed the landscape of sex change considerably. And yes, I was very much into observing sexuality (of adults) when I was in pre-school. There is a huge difference between sex then and sex now. In the 70’s and early 80’s sex had a lot of mystique because porn wasn’t omnipresent. I used to read about sex or adult lifestyles a lot in Playboy, Penthouse and even got my hands on Emmanuelle and The Happy Hooker (I wasn’t allowed to buy the latter, at only 12 so, I lifted it from the pharmacy).

Today sex is a ‘lifestyle product’ that is sold to us like everything else on the shelves (or the Web). I have often asked myself “If sex is free, than why do I feel like a lot of people spend most of their money on it?” and it became the topic of this blog which I have written over the past 5 years. I have also written about marketing and consumerism on four (4) other blogs amassing over 400 articles in the last 10 years.

As a blogging coach to my friends, colleagues and many others who want to skip the middle-man and become recognized as an expert in their field, I stress the importance of having a blog to train yourself to write. Writing is hard, in the beginning, when you haven’t yet found your voice and are looking for ideas. Then at some point the amount of ideas outweighs the time you have to write.

Over the past few months I have been busy working full-time doing SEO improvements on many big Women’s magazines websites and, in the process, have seen how the topic of sex is coming out of the closet, slowly. The April issue of our local ELLE Magazine even has an article about Sex Bloggers (Tour du monde de la blogosphère érotique) and Chatelaîne gave 20 pages to honor Lesbians including my heroes and friends Meow Mix’s Miriam Ginestier and Nat King Pole!

It’s a great time for sex trailblazers!

while I could have been sex blogging all the latest relationship 2.0 events of my life, I have been working on four (4) personal social media projects and a new sex blog: Pure Moan.

Pure Moan is about the landscape of sex as seen through products and the Media. The sexuality that is sold to us as a novelty and without instruction or a warranty. Sometimes it’s useless, fake and of little value and sometimes it’s eye opening, thought provoking and awe inspiring.  Pure Moan will be repository of sex in all of its contexts and I hope it will help you chart a more direct course towards blissful sex.

I want to share with you what I have learned about sex over the past 30 years and how it has changed or remained the same. I am incredibly fortunate to live a surprisingly successful poly-amorous life surrounded by men who are not afraid to tell me what they really think. I want to tell you the things that men say after “I have never told anyone this but…”

As I work on Pure Moan with some awesome contributors (and an info database of 13,000 sex-related products) I will continue to write here about my personal life. But I am at a cross-roads. I feel like the life I have carefully crafted over the past 5 years is so unique and precious that sharing the joys of it with you makes it into a product. Also, remaining anonymous is what enables me to live life to the fullest and write about the people very close to me. My life is free of judgment, heckling or harassment and those who know of my lifestyle are delightfully giddy when asking questions or seeking advice. I love to teach but my first responsibility is to my child and I have chosen to protect her childhood rather than expose her to my lifestyle. Life is great the way it is, I am known, adored, cuddled and respected by a few and on the verge of closing my dance card and the worst thing that could happen to me would be fame. And that’s another dubious thing I will gladly write about on the Pure Moan Sex Blog.

In the meantime, Patrick (M0j0D4ddy) is coming to Montreal this Wednesday for a week. The Spring thing is turning into a tradition. This time, it will be a little less bacchanal as we will teach self-defense to two group of women who are at great risk of sexual and physical assault: sex workers and transgendered women. This year Patrick and I have decided to concentrate on modern self defense and Martial Arts seminar even though he is receiving requests for Fusion Martial Arts/BDSM classes left and right. But there is another issue, he has a severe case of bone spurs on his C5 vertebrae and will have to undergo spinal surgery in April preventing him from being his hyper-dynamic self for 3 months. The intense pain hasn’t prevented him from teaching-through-the-pain more classes and doing more fight seminars in the past 4 months because that is who he is… So I know that surgery-recovery will be tough on him emotionally.

But while he is in Montreal, there will be one Elegant Pain Compliance class and perhaps the infamous EH demo if a brave soul steps forward for the experience (the last one in Seattle was attended by 50 astonished people! Write to evavavoom (at) gmail.com for info.)

Patrick and I will re-negotiate our relationship boundaries (which sounds technical but is actually fun). In November we had a breakdown of our relationship but things have greatly improved since then. It is surprising how conflict and meddling fails to break us apart which is a great indicator that we are a strong team. Next week, I will introduce Patrick to my new lover whom I have been blissfully dating for a few months. They are both, strangely enough, former Infantry/Martial Arts Instructors/Engineers from the same disciplines so they might just have things to gab about.

The last plug I would like to make is that I am looking for more sex questions to answer on Pure Moan. I have been coaching men to achieve their goals, sexually, over the past few years and I am quite happy with the success that has been reported back. What I am missing is questions from women about men. So if you have any, send them to ask (at) puremoan.com and I will gladly answer.

And to illustrate my point, I will simply share with you a screen cap of an Entertainment page on The Huffington Post.

I have been writing articles for my upcoming sex education website paying special attention on outlining my articles on porn. While I will attempt to provide some useful info on a category of 13,000 products that fail to come with instructions, I do not plan on selling porn. Not that it wouldn’t be a great cash cow but I haven’t made money from porn online so far so now is a great time NOT to start. I feel that in a sea of ’sex products’ pornography is the one commodity that adds absolutely no value to consumer’s life. And it’s going to be quite interesting to write how porn fails to deliver on all levels and go through the long list of misinformation that is propagated by porn.

Yesterday I watched BBC3’s 2007 special Teens Hooked on Porn (it is available on Youtube) and I was quite shocked. For the past year I have been keen to progressively kick one of my partners into sex rehab after realizing that his addiction to online dating sites and porn is keeping him back in all areas of life. I was shocked to see these 16-year-old boys progressively destroy their potential for life enjoyment though abusive use of pornography. How sad it is to discover sexuality as a packaged product rather than the old fashion way (secretly making out in the shed!?) When you think about it, us girls still had to put up with old gropey pervs who made inappropriate comments when we were growing up (in the 80’s) altering our perception of adulthood, sexuality and men. And it sucked. When boys tap into pornography they are inviting the same kind of ideas, short-circuiting their brain before they even develop their ability to socialize with their peers and girls. What I have been discovering over the past 5 years of talking about porn and asking questions is that porn is very harmful to men in so many ways.

So about a month ago I realized that I did not want to enter into a lifelong commitment with someone whom I feel is on the road to personal destruction. And I am not talking here about how his addictions are fucking up any and all chances for us to have a normal relationship but how it is first and foremost making him his worst enemy. Sex addiction is tricky because it would appear that it has very little to do with sex and a lot to do with socio-affective anxiety. I live for the day I can take him along when traveling around the world to document that happy, joyful, sad and shocking state of sex around the world today, however, at this stage he would not be able to deal with this and not because of the topic of sex, because of the issues of violence, hate, anger, misogyny and bullying that surround the commercialization of sex as a product.

I was quite surprised that rather than walk away he has made every effort to address the situation seeking a therapist for weekly sessions and going to SAA group 2-3 times a week. He even deleted all his online dating accounts and porn and has maintained sobriety for over a month. While I am very impressed, it is most interesting to talk about it and see his outlook change from a culture of outside validation to a state of inner satisfaction with accomplishing a bunch of stuff he had put off. Because that is the issue here… not HOW he spends his time (he could be wasting time gaming or drinking… it’s all the same) but the fact that he makes a concerned effort to accomplish things that are important to him and that is what fills the well of self worth, creates joy and attracts interaction with other joyful people.

More and more I feel that addiction to porn or reliance on less mindfull entertainment like video games, movies/TV and online memes is a sign that someone has fallen into the soul killing downward spiral of :

Loneliness and Boredom

Little did I know that when attending an evening of travel presentation at the local Yacht Club with Mr. P., I would meet Tas, a talented baker of perverted cakes. Tas, whose background is computer science and math, is even looking for ways to incorporate advanced features (animated parts) into his creations. Read the rest of this entry »

SUPRA SEX

Jobs in the First Earth (Battalion) are based on capabilities. Sex, age, color, or religious preferences are not considerations. Culture has, however, programmed men and women so that they feel pressure to relate to each other sexually. This sexual protocol can be overcome by a series of extended exercises requiring the absolute interdependence of all participants until a level is trust is developed that supersedes and rises above any kind of sexual relationship. Fortunately love is still the by-product. (First Earth Battalion Field Manual, Jim Cannon, 1979)

I recently learned about this New Agey experimental army project when Jon Ronson, author of The Men who Stare at Goats made an appearance on The Colbert Report last week. While I think that this Cannon dude smoked some good shit, the whole process of ‘winning the heart of the enemy through amorous gestures and sparkly eyes’ intrigued me. I then found the above passage in the field manual and I though it made a lot of sense. In fact it’s been my tactic for a while now and it works fantastically well.

Of course it also dawned on me that I am most likely intimately connected to one of them sparkly eyed psychic spies… When confronted he said: “I can’t talk about those things…” Well, it’s not like it’s classified anymore, the frickin’ manual is on the Internet! And maybe if I had been involved in such crazy research in the eighties I wouldn’t want to talk about it either LOL The Daddy and I are going see the movie together when I meet his family on Thanksgiving.

The Men Who Stare at Goats is coming out as a film starring two of my favorite hunks of man meat George Clooney and Ewan McGregor. And of course it’s been made into a goofy comedy.

But speaking of dubious research… I’ve been reading with great delight Mary Roach’s Bonk. It is filled with gems of dubious research about sexuality through the 20th century.

When I bought the book I was actually looking for Becoming Batman: The Possibility of a Superhero and I had a sales girl hanging on me helping me to find the book. Usually when faced with a cute Chapter’s sales clerk I ask for the most perverted book I can think of just to see their reaction. But this time I simply said that I had to give this book to my boyfriend because it proves he has twice as much training as Batman. And she was all fascinated with this book she had never heard of. She said: “This may sound completely geeky but it must be a fascinating book!” I really need to get myself simple business cards with only my name and e-mail on them. This nerdy chick was really cute.. I missed a score!

I am spending the weekend in New York City. I have the use of a studio on the Upper West Side conveniently close to a man I am looking forward to meeting. He has written on the topic of Emotional Intelligence (EQ), something that is still largely misunderstood. I’m going to try to be aloof and not spend my whole time talking about his work however fascinating it is. Quick, think of charming girlie topics! Actually I hope we can go see Capitalism: A Love Story together.

It came out at work last week that I have more than one boyfriend. I made a point to say that I do not find men, that they find me. My co-worker, who is in a sense my client as I solve his technical SEO issues, joked that I was well-referenced. And I thought this was a great metaphor! However, there is more to being conveniently found by guys who want to get to know me, I have to have a hook and pertinent content to back it up so they subscribe to my feed Hahaha!

As a proverbial ‘Fuck You’ to ‘The Man’, I am having brunch on a Wednesday and making out in a vegetarian restaurant.

I’ve been waiting for the end of July for a while so that all the kinky fun I have planned in August can start. But I decided to start a bit early. This week I was tinkering and made a really awesome flogger from a t-shirt. Yeah, you read that right, a flogger from an old 25 cent man’s black t-shirt that I got at a thrift store. That’s not what it was supposed to be originally for but that what it turned into. And it is quite exquisite. Not only is it light and soft but it provides a very interesting sting. I had Mr. P. try it out on me when he picked me up for our little bi-weekly fruits & veggies shopping date. It is not as stingy as a parachute rope flogger and not as thudy as a leather flogger but it works. Now I must find an even bigger t-shirt to start from so I get extra long tails. It’s yet another work in progress.

Today was a very nice sensual day. Yesterday I took it upon myself to write a little note to a guy who made my day. I often watch TED.com talks but his talk on life’s successes and failures rang a bell. So I woke up to a very nice note from him. What this prolific author and journalist doesn’t know is that I am a fan. He is quite the philosopher but he has a very sensual side to him. In fact I think he is quite gorgeous. I wanted to tell him that I really loved how he described the special feeling, texture and look of the walls in and around the modernist Swiss house he grew up in. De Botton’s childhood home was built around an atrium in the style of a Zen garden and has humongous windows that open wide to make the occupant feel as if he is outside. It is one of the most awesome houses I have ever see in a TV show. But yesterday’s conversation was mostly about work and I left out the fangirl gossip.

Today I got together to talk about work with an old employee who is now a peer. We do the exact same thing though I am more technical. I had not seen him face to face for 6 years. He is looking quite good! We have been going up for the same mandates recently and exchanging some info along the way. So we have decided to write a modern description of what we do in order to better sell our respective services to companies who need us. But also we have a little side project… Let’s call it our ‘Zack & Miri Make a Porno’ project though it is far more sophisticated and complex to undertake. He has access to a legendary erotic brand and the brand owner wants to see that brand live again. I am very familiar with the brand having read the books when I was 9 or 10, seen all the movies and have literally lived my whole life to become the embodiment of that brand! I have told so many people that the only reason I have never worked on erotica/porn on the Web because everything has been done before… However, if I could do something awesome, positive and new… I would. So as usual, what I ask for has been delivered in the form of an opportunity and it is mine to coddle and harvest. we had a wonderful ‘producer’ meeting and from it we have 3-5 projects brewing.

In the afternoon I scheduled a little ‘why not?!’ meeting with a young guy who had contacted me recently. I cannot meet every Tom, Dick and Harry who sends me messages through my profiles on social sites but this one is remarkably adorable. More and more I find psychological BDSM play to be VERY amusing.  And we had a lot of fun in the one restaurant we could find that had effective air conditioning. After 3 hours of talking about sex within earshot of senior citizens in a Cora… the empty restaurant was a welcomed respite. And we had a lot of fun. He is quite the keeper and he will make a very nice puppy. It’s a good thing that I have been growing my nails very long. It will be easier to carve out the words ‘pet’ with long nails. I tried that on a MMA fighter a few months ago but I only got out the P and E before he realized this wasn’t a good idea after all…

Tonight I had the option of going to boink the BeardedDiCaprio but since I am on a long vacation by myself, I can be a bit more flexible with my schedule. Of course the Bodyguard is coming back from The Tundra tomorrow so I look forward to seeing him again pretty soon. If he is not immediately shipped off to China, we can look at my new book on International security and pick the places where he would enjoy working the most. But while it is fun to help others with their career I have to line up some contracts for myself and work on my own projects foremost.

Oops, I don’t think this is what the writer wrote but while we are on the subject… Yes I would like intelligent sex, who wouldn’t. Oh and the crap I have put up with in order to get there in my life is immense.

I think, I formulate hypothesis and then ask a bunch of overly-personal questions… It yields interesting albeit frightening answers sometimes.

I don’t want to be out of touch, I have been really interested how teenagers grow and mature into adults. And I am also interested in generational differences and how people turn out differently depending on the quality of their relationship with their parents. Mind you I do it also to figure out how to raise my child to become a happy fulfilled independent adult. It is not obvious because I have raised 7 boys but now I have a daughter! Maybe I will have a daughter who is well informed on the matter of boys! Right now we talk about friendship and girl-cliques a lot. I am also concerned with age-appropriateness of the things I teach her. We have started talking about the internet, consumerism and cell phones. Next year she will be in third grade and that’s when everything starts to change.

But there’s a long way ’til the end of high school and college still. And right now I’m doing some research with university students to assess their needs for self-defense classes, notably Patrick’s Modern self-denfense class that addresses recent statistics of acquaintance sexual assault and rape.

I was very fortunate to have a conversation with a recent university grad last night and when he saw the course ware for Modern Self-Defense for Sexual Situations that become Non-Consensual, he said quite matter-of-factly that this was a sorely needed class. This class was originally developed for people involved in the BDSM lifestyle and those are usually more self-aware and negotiation-oriented than your average vanilla peeps. However, Patrick and I are re-working it for an audience of people who seem to need it way more notably college & university-aged women as well as sex workers, transsexuals and gay men. For each clientele the documentation and the communication has to be adapted because this is a touchy subject and it is really hard to convince people to take this compulsory life class. People would rather not think about it or talk about it.

I asked my recent university grad a bit of a downer question… But it is the basis for the current documentation I am writing for the college version of this class.

Out of all your girlfriends in your Facebook list, 20-25% of them have been sexually assaulted or raped. Do you know who they are?

He answered: “Unfortunately, yes…” It was interesting for me to listen to his take on the matter.

Self-defense classes are available but there aren’t enough instructors who specialize in real-world situations faced by young people today espescially young women 18-25. Let’s face it, women are sexually active and therefore encounter guys who range the scale from clueless to careless to just plain dangerous. And then there are those who are simply bad. But much harm is done by the first category and girls should learn to avoid or protect themselves against all bad sexual situations that could become non-consensual.

Over the years I’ve listened and and heard…

I told him to put on a condom but he tricked me and didn’t use one.

He bit me too hard.

He came once, didn’t tell me and we kept having sex. This is likely how I got pregnant.

I have a stupid random question, Is is rape if you were under the influence?

I believe that a happy safe sex life for men and women is born of sex education and sexual confidence. There is a lack of sex education if these kinds of situations keep happening every few seconds.

Self-defense is only one part of the puzzle but it is necessary and should be pursued on a regular basis. This is something women should be involved in on a yearly basis if one does not want to pursue a regular weekly martial arts program.

Patrick will be coming back to Montreal and hopefully Ottawa to teach. You can write to me to be notified when that happens at evavavoom [at] gmail.com. There will be separate and specific clientele-based classes and the curriculum is based on three years of listening to the specific questions of students in the class and the most recently available statistics from various rape-crisis center in North-America’s colleges and universities.

In Toronto, Sex educator Viktoria organizes Women’s REALISTIC Self Defense classes with her martial arts and self defense instructor. Write or call Viktoria for info ladyviktoria [at] ymail.com or 416-887-5621.

*Photo by nyki_m

There is little I have to say about Bullshit with Penn and Teller because it is usually informative, right on the money and entertaining. However, I do have something to say about their first show this season. They took on “The Big O” or the female orgasm and all those services that are supposed to help women achieve bigger and better orgasms.

This was perhaps the most poorly researched episode in seven seasons. Very little of the show was devoted to sex toys or sex tools as I tend to call them, most of which are crap for various reasons. Instead they focused a lot of air time on a few ’sex coaches’ who offer teaching on sexuality’s function and pleasure.

We need more devoted and skilled people to teach adults how to have an enjoyable sex life! Three of the most important aspect of our adult lives are money/credit, sex/relationship and raising children and those skills we still acquire by fucking up along the way.

I suck tremendously at managing my money, I was fortunate enough to practice raising other people’s children as a nanny before I had my own. However, when it comes to sex, it took me 15-20 years before I hit my stride. And to think I have been obsessed with the topic for 25 years! In the past 5 years I was lucky to have access to an expert on sex and threw myself into every adult sex class she and other experts gave, just for the fun of it. It helped!

A week doesn’t go by without one of my friends telling me I should teach classes on relationship 2.0 and advanced sex. I really like getting sex questions from my vanilla friends. I get more questionning about sex that I think I should be getting. It’s not as if there’s no info out there but it’s easier and more beneficial to ask a person because by definition, a sex question should have follow-ups. Sometimes friends ask curiosity questions about my sex life but most of the time they ask about bettering their own sex life. Our conversations will often circle around relationship building that allows for more and better sex.

Two months ago I spent 5 hours in a Toronto living room with ten 25-year-old women and I was scandalized by how little they knew about sexuality, sex tools and sex toys. I was a fly on the wall and I kept my kinky mouth shut while my friend Viktoria gave a wonderful presentation. As Toronto’s premier sex toy confidente she gave the girls information on the latest toys and which are toxic and which are safe and also answered a million questions. Each woman was then able to see her one-on-one and purchase whatever they wanted. It was fun and the shy-ness about asking questions decreased tremendously as the wine bottles emptied. I learned so many things… about women One of which is that young women are generally very uncomfortable about talking to their partners about the specifics of sex. And they do not negotiate or plan ahead. It would seem that there is stigma attached to being knowledgeable about, talking about or planning sex. After hanging out with other women sex geeks for years, this realization was quite sobering.

Being around people who are knowledgeable about sex and have a very positive non-judgmental attitude tends to lower sexual shame and increase sexual confidence. So I will re-iterate that we need more sex coaches in the world not less!!

Just as people have started reading my blog, I’ve wandered off tinkering with crafty things. While some of those things are a bit kinky, there is no success to report yet.

Witness this attempt at making cute nipple jewelry. Basically I want to create a basic shape in wire that has something going on atop the nipple and a place to put dangles. I find the current models a bit boring.

But so far. Nipple Jewelry = FAIL. Kinky word die earrings are going a bit better though. pictures to come.

I’ve been feeling super blue lately espescially with the developing situation in Iran. In my opinion Iran has the greatest disparity between the loveliness of its people and the darkness of its leaders. I sincerely believe that progress is inevitable and Iran doesn’t lack bright progressive people but my fears lie with the possibility of international meddling.

Mr. M. and I have been doing a bit of writing back and forth. He has a blog now and if he gets to writing in semi-public the truth he tells in private, it may become a must read. Since I’ve had the miss communication problems with him last year I’ve been working on creating greater communication flow between my partners and I (old and new.) Not that all interpersonal conflict in my life are my fault but I try to gain insight from ALL situations.

I should always strive to be a better communicator because I have many partners and I have limited time to spend with each one in person so I have to make it count. The quality of my daily communications with them by phone or in writing will make a huge difference in the quality of our relationship in the long run. I had been looking to attain a new level of honesty, directness, closeness with them but also to foster security in my partners regarding our respective relationships. The only tool I have for that is communication.

Because my goal is to have only one partner in an exclusive monogamous relationship, I have to be honest about it with my partners. Communicating about how our relationship may wind up having a time-limit is a bit strange. Though it’s not as daunting as discussing poly partner rank (or priority.) Right now, I do not have a primary poly partner. BelovedSchoolBoy was my ‘interim spouse’ for a while when we lived together but that was an unfair situation for him being 15-20 years younger than the spouse I want to be with. I have no idea if this wish will ever materialize. It may just be that my goal to enter into a TiH relationship is outdated or that a ‘husband-type’ would not care for my previous lifestyle or obsessive interest in alternate sexuality LOL. But I digress…

While I do not talk much with The Bearded DiCaprio even though he has been my lover for 5 years, I communicate quasi-daily with The General, M0j0D4ddy and Mr. P (All of which are over 40.) I also maintain the communication line open with BelovedSchoolBoy because even though we have been separated since December, I love hearing about how happy he is and how much he pro-actively rules his entourage like a successful little Kingdom. I also love how after we separated he continued to ask me for advice on many matters including how to approach and ‘land’ his adorable new girlfriend (with whom he now lives.) Then it dawned on me that I have raised him to be like the man I wish I could meet in my 35-45 y.o. age group. At 21, I think he will provide me with a lifetime of awe. I also truly enjoy the constant appreciation and thank yous for the last 3 years.

I grew up in a family where partners were not self-aware and were secretive in order to avoid conflict. Avoiding the matter or editing the news is a very bad strategy. Honest direct communication is so rare that when I hear it my heightened appreciation of the communicator outshines the content of the message! Recently, I have gotten many flowers from my lovers (and some friends) regarding the ‘quality of our relationship’ in regards to communication so I must be affecting things right.

I now live in a world where women fight for the sexual interest and attention of men (online and off) and horde it so that their man must not pay any attention to anyone else! While I may have had a foot in the eye candy market when I was 20 and hadn’t yet had my drastic breast reduction, I found that it didn’t provide me with access to very interesting men. Today, I do not even try to sell sex (be sexy) because as a 38 year-old woman, I would simply look like a clown next to a 20-year-old (I’ve watched the real Housewives of New Jersey!) I have also come to realize that most pretty women (even the ones who are naturally lovely) feel insecure about their looks and seem much less happy than the average. Also, women who are professionally decorative, are rarely role models and exhibit the worse behavior and lack of class (Hello Charm School!) Even if this can change over time, it will always be overshadowed by reality tv antics! Beauty is a rat race with no prize at the end. Most women do not know this because standards change and the race never ends.

However, in the contest of being smart, open, non judgmental and communicative, I can occupy a place that is more stable and permanent in the emotional space even with those who are easily distracted by the eye candy. Because I have been able to develop truly meaningful and loving fulfilling relationships based on these new communication efforts over the past six months, I have rethunk the narrow definition of ‘lover’. I hate it when people say ‘we are just friends’. As someone who has had true friends for 30 years and, in absence of having a spouse, puts friend before lover, I find that a bit insulting. It would seem to me that in a world where ‘friend’ has been diluted to mean ’someone I never talk to who is in my Facebook list’, we should have a new definition for ‘lover’ as well. So I have decided to consider someone my lover when they declare loving me and have spontaneously said that we shall be together ‘forever’ (…and then re-iterate it a few times just to make sure LOL) As long as this feeling is mutual and we do have a somewhat sensual relationship then ‘lover’ seems like an appropriate term. Too bad it sounds very sexual when said out loud. Even though I may use that term here, I will still refer to most people in my life as friends. Never ‘just’ friends or worse ‘fuck’ friends which are two terms that diminish the importance of the friend relationships in life.

I have been quite happy with most of my relationships as of late and feel very loved, secure and appreciated. That was never my goal but what a wonderful gift. On the other hand, I know one of my relationships is doomed to end soon but it has been on that path for a while. Right now, I have no craving for attention or even sex so I am hurting my sexual relationships by electing to stay home alone rather than go out. But I do say yes to going out when asked.

But I don’t want to go see too many movies… I strive for conversation and communication!

I would have to say that conversation with Mr. M. is crack cocaine. Though, NOW, I know that we will communicate briefly, his words or questions will open up a can of worms (and inspiration) then he will disappear unexplained leaving me with withdrawal anxiety. I have always been overwhelming and gauche in my struggle to gain access to him. I would love to be able to count on him for conversation even if it was scheduled or limited in time. (I sometimes schedule time-restricted conversations… seems weird but it works!)

I have multiple partners who put up with the fact that I am not exclusive nore very available (physically) because I provide them with rare difference, openness and acceptance. I put up with Mr. M. because he provides me with rare higher intelligence and dry wit or irony and also because his interest channels seem to be aligned with mine. Though sometimes his dumb typos will open up a door for unexpected hilarity such as the time he wrote that his girlfriend gave him a ‘dry mouth’ piece of artwork for his birthday. So I sassed him on how such artwork is the kind that you look at, bewildered, with your mouth open for a long time (thus inducing dry mouth.) I could also have pondered how it is the opposite of mouth watering artwork (which could be a still life of food or, as marketers would define it, graphics that are mostly orange.) So I was eventually accused of being corny while I was simply making fun on his attempt to (I suspect) write ‘dry mount’.

I have been developing a relationship with a Lady who seems fascinating to me. While she has been generous so far with giving me access to her (providing her personal number and inviting me to go stay with her) I am worried about being overwhelming. I was very forthcoming about my desire to serve her (in the BDSM sense) for the simple pleasure of personal access to her but it turns out I do not really have anything specific to offer that she needs (and that will be until I have the chance to cook for her.) I like having a ‘device’ to warrant regular communication with a Dom or Sub during the initial phase of getting to know each other because I have developed ‘access anxiety’.

I’m sure this is heightened by not wanting to experience the pain that I felt when Mr. M. and I hit it off very well and then NOT after only a short time. I had given him unrestricted access to me talking for hours into the night which I never do because I need my sleep to be able to manage an eight year old during the day. It is unfortunate that such an experience has made me scared of giving access or time again for the purpose of developing friendship or love.