Sex is FREE; but they get you on the accessories!!!

I am sitting in a cafe and have spent the past 6 hours trying to conceptualize and market an upcoming event that CJO and I are working on together. You know that social step I was talking about earlier, well that’s the one I am working on right now and OMG!! people are coming on board.

I have to say that I was worried because as much as I was trying to get CJO to write his darn documentation I was having no success. And then I was talking to him and I saw it. His face changed and he got ‘that look’ in his face. I have not seen that look in someone’s face in over 5 long years. It’s the look that says ‘Okay so now I obviously get that YOU are the ONE who will help me realize all my dreams and I am 100% on board’. And since then he’s been doing his homework without fail.

It’s really important because while my contribution to another person’s dream may be 10% of the total work involved it is lost if the other doesn’t put in his 90%. Last person who gave me that look had always wanted to write a book. It took us about 4 months. It was fun and he is finishing his second and third books right now. Through these experiences, he became my very best friend!

Okay so now that CJO is 100% on board I have begun contacting the VIPs of Montreal’s kink community and one by one they are showing interest in making our little event as awesome and well represented and attended as it can be. I plan on revealing all on February 1, 2009. We will have really awesome hardcore stuff on hand as well and I plan on teaching one new workshop myself. Oh yes I will!

And CJO did change his relationship status on FetLife to ‘protecting’ little me. I requested something quite platonic in nature but it expresses so well what I want from him and have expressed specifically in writing. It pleases me very much and it will likely decrease the number of asinine one-line e-mails I get from pretend Doms everyday on the site.

I have changed Internet provider so I can save 50% BUT my contract ended at the same time as I left for Quebec City so I will be Internet-less for another week. I can however check my email through a really weak local wifi connection.

I fell asleep last night listening to Yoshi shoveling snow and salting my porch. He came over last night to make me dinner and, conveniently, moisturize every last inch of me. Oh how awesome that was. I asked him to be gentle with me but I think I have a case of whiplash.

When my ex arrived at 5:30pm to start on dinner, I was on the phone with my next. Yes it is presumptuous of me to refer to him as my next but it is oh so much fun. He called because I sent him a message telling him I would not likely be available to chat around 10pm. Holidays  mean that there will be days when we do not get to talk to each other. I also miss him when we cannot chat. There is an issue… It is so adolescent… I sense CJO wishes that I was more territorial or jealous where he is concerned. In less than 5 days he will be in NYC with a few (or 20) women who ‘like’ him. I am tinkering on the verge of a relationship status change… BUT I am worried that would cause gossip, expectations and, unfortunately, more aggressive clamoring for MY Man. I do not care that others want him. I do not care that other have him, however they wish and for a brief period. I am however worried that he would be snatched away forever before I even have time to be with him. He is after all my requested Birthday present and that is three whole months away. For the next 48 hours I will ponder if I tell him this or not.

Yesterday I sent him a Youtube video hinting at how I was still busy planning his Birthday party. I have plenty of time to get that done but it’s a huge deal… a huge complicated thing to plan involving a bunch of people I do not know, or rather have not chosen yet. So I sent him something rather cute and romantic. It’s a ruse and a distraction as cute and romantic is NOT my style. I think that surprises are hard to plan. However, using competitive intelligence techniques, I have been able to gather incredibly useful data about  CJO and I just put it away in the file…

Right now I am stealing time. I am sitting in a cafe at the bus depot procrastinating. I should call my mother so she can pick me up but I, technically, have 30 more purposeful minutes to pretend I am not here yet and write. You see, I was supposed to write on my way here but I met the perfect stranger and… well he was quite adorable.

This morning I woke up suddenly and, as usual, 10 minutes before the alarm went off. I KNEW. I knew what I wanted to do for CJO. Only problem with my plan… It’s impossible! There is nothing that turns me on more than an impossible plan! So for the hours that I commuted to the Montreal bus station I hashed out the details of the mother of all plans. This is the kind of scheming that will keep me awake for days and it was going to consume me for three hours had I not run into this sweet boy.

He was in line in front of me and I did not want to lose my spot. He is perhaps 6’3 or 4 with short brown hair, brown eyes. Earnest looking with an unkempt vacation beard. Yum! So I asked him to pretend we were together and in return fetched him a water bottle. I almost grabbed this awful fruit and saccharin ‘tainted’ water. That would have been a disaster! My goal was to get a window seat on the right side so I could rest my elbow. I got to a handsome newspaper-reading man in his fifties. I thought… nah! I convinced him to move so my pretend boyfriend and I could sit together. Mission #1 accomplished… I then figured if I played my cards right I could get a coveted beard cuddle!

What is a beard cuddle you ask? For me it is a tradition that goes back to college days when I used to enjoy, with permission, rubbing my face against Francis’ week old stubble. He was not a classmate, we were in the newspaper committee together. In this case I had to get permission from his girlfriend as well. I had it good in college, I was also on the student board and had many offices so plenty of room to beard cuddle. Francis was my only beard cuddle buddy and no, I never used my multi-office access privileges for anything freaky.  Who knows, maybe the nuns who ran the school had cameras in there!

There is nothing sexual about a beard cuddle. It can be as sweet as me grabbing one side of his face and placing my cheek against the other. It can also be more forceful as when Mr. P scraped my whole face with his 24 hour stubbles in a way that left me with a week long rash. Beard cuddles are as sweet whether they come from friends, lovers and even foes! Perhaps now you can understand my appreciation for my dear Bearded DiCaprio. Today, the thrill of the beard cuddle lies in the wanting, planning and having the balls to ask for it just as much as the getting it. Obviously, no man has encountered a beard cuddle request until they meet me, so the reaction is always entertaining as well.

I had not had a three hour bus ride pass so quickly in years or even forever. My faux boyfriend and I chatted about work and the advantages of management by project. He wanted details so I admitted to him that I tend to do whatever the fuck I want, I multitask. I mean even if I wanted to I will never be in a situation where I do something repetitive or that I have done before. I also entertained him on how management by project is incredibly useful with the ex and the next. I offered him chocolate and homemade toffee. I got some Swiss cheese in return. I wondered what would be interesting to watch in the way of a movie… Did not have anything with car chases. We settled to watch Gunpowder, Treason and Plot. Pretty hard to understand with only one half of a set of iPod headphones. This tided us over  until 10 minutes before his stop. I almost asked out right but figured a detour was in order. I asked him how long he had been growing his vacation beard. He seemed to think that, like most chicks, had something AGAINST his lack of shaving. I simply admitted that I cannot stand to see a beard go to waste and, as he seemed confused, told him that I like to rub my face in it. He sort of continued to talk about something else as we were getting really close to the terminal. I cut him off and said: “You didn’t get what I was asking of you did you?” to which he replied “Oh, you actually want to rub your cheek on my beard?!” So this is how I got a few face hugs and it sincerely made my day.

I always feel a little bit guilty when I ‘take advantage of’ or’play with’ unsuspecting boys. But at least he gets to tell his family he was face rubbed by a strange woman on the bus. I mean most guys like being lusted after or chatted up by girls. He thanked me… for being my faux boyfriend and, if he e-mails me, he will get to read this entry and understand WHO intently and purposefully spotted him on the escalator and got what she wanted out of him with a simple bottle of water on Christmas Eve.

I don’t doubt myself as much as I used to. Years ago I would feel like I had insight into a situation or into someone’s psyche and tell myself: “Well I can’t possibly be right.” Months and years would pass and I would be faced with the reality that, as a matter of fact I was right and I should have at least brought it up then. Today, I am all up in people’s grill about that sort of stuff. And you may think that I am doing it to be all righteous and superior but you’d be wrong. I want to see how it is received. Because I don’t care so much about your low self-esteem, fears or inhibitions, it’s how you react to being confronted about them that tells me if you are worth my time. I love beautifully imperfect people who are self-aware. Snap!

Years ago I met a boy. He was lovely, creative and imaginative, albeit in a dark tortured way, but quite lovely. One day we met downtown for a bit. I only had 30 minutes to spend with him and used half that time to put him through a little test. Really it’s always the same test… Are you shy?! (And as I write this a collective ‘Oh Shit!’ resonates as all the ex-boyfriends realize that I made them do that embarrassing thing on purpose and for a purpose. But it was fun, wasn’t it?!) So I then discovered that the boy was shy, but not painfully so, just a little too shy to play along in my life of games, pleasure and fulfilled fantasies. Shy is not good. You know, the kind of shy that starts to stack up the “I should haves”, “I could haves” in the back of the brain until they mastecize into cancer of inaction. While we did hang out together again after that, he was just coming out of a traumatic experience and I felt that perhaps it wasn’t the right time to pursue anything more. At the time I wasn’t so much into the violatin’, desecratin’ and complicatin’ because well, I didn’t have enough perspective to see the immense positive outcome and not enough experience to manage the minimal negative ones. I kept and eye on him from afar, noticed that not much happened really, but at least he’s in school doing the usual uni student shtick. Recently, I decided to reopen the conversation and began asking the questions. First thing I notice… He needs a few glasses of courage before facing a simple social challenge. He’s barely 25 years-old. It would be another story if he was 35 years old and needed a drink to face me. That’s just frustrating… While I’m tempted, the path to courage seems clear and fun, I will let him ask for it.

I’ve been struggling with migraines. They are making it hard to concentrate. Incidentally writing what I feel or think is liberating regardless of headaches. When it’s down in the journal or in a story it stops inhabiting my head and new ideas can ruminate. I’ve written a few stories inspired by Mr. M. In the past I referred to them as fantasies, but they are mostly situational and humorous. I am after all a lover of surprises, jokes, pranks and tricks. I have written them in reverse chronological order and in a first person journal format. So the events go from oddly blissful to fucked up in a creepy way, but backwards. So in essence it’s the contrary to what most relationships would be which is going from heavenly to hellish. The situational plot line is amusing to ponder and write, the sex still hard to write. But it must be there as it is an integral part of the character exchanges. But in the episode I am writing now, everything is deliciously eerie and I hope, very suspenseful.

And no you cannot read it, LOL.

Right now I am enjoying my little single vacation. I am loving the courting and conversations that have materialized from BDSM community participation or my writing here and elsewhere. I am in no hurry to get into an intimate physical relationship with anyone. In fact I truly enjoy the fact that I have no idea exactly when I will have sex again.

I’m been getting back into watching TV. So many little xmas gifts to make and package (while watching TV.) I watched The Swimming Pool; somewhat interesting. I’ve been getting into I, Claudius; acting sucks. I’ve decided to finish watching the Fall series, all of which I am 5-6 shows behind. But everything is anti-climatic after watching Rome and it will be a little while before The Tudors, Skins and Damages rolls around again.

Yesterday I actually watched “porn” from beginning to end. Porn is something which I haven’t had any patience for in months and it’s been over a year since I watched a whole flick (It was ‘Je suis a prendre’ from the 70′s which had inspired a first foray into podcasting.) Last night, I watched the first two days of TheTrainingofO.com’s (Harmony Rose’s first series). I must say I am quite impressed. I am fascinated by that building (The Armory) which looks A LOT like institutional Quebec buildings from the 1960′s. In fact I would say that The Armory looks suspiciously similar to an empty building I’ve had my eye on for 10 years in this city. It is frequently rented for movie productions. I am in no way familiar with the work of Kink.com (or any other Internet Porn site for that matter) and this production was the first BDSM themed non-mainstream ‘movie’ I had ever watched. The reason why this one caught my eye is that Harmony Rose gets to confront one particular fear which I have and that is claustrophobia. I remember in college I was doing fencing I almost passed out after the first 5 minutes of wearing the head gear. I walked away from the class crying. This was a scenario that repeated itself many times. I even had a very hard time watching Le Brasier (an excellent coal mining movie) and broke through a window when an old lock malfunctioned in the museum I worked at rendering me stuck in my office. I have never gotten over it, just better at avoiding and hiding it. I can say I felt the fear as Harmony started crying just before James closed the little door in front of the head box. Admittedly TheStoryOfO would be lost on me had I not had any knowledge of BDSM and its process but I did truly enjoy the interactions between the trainers and the trainee. I must say I like The TomCat, the army-style Dyke/Boi trainer. I have a lot of experience of Lady/Dyke dommes and zero experience of male ones. I know who some of the male trainers are but I was not familiar with James (M) before watching this. I’m sure interesting conversations will flow from this discovery!

Every day Col. Jack O’Neill calls all happy and thankful my first thought is always “Oh, he must have gotten the gift I sent him in the mail.” But no, he’s just like that. I sure hope my gift is not lost. It’s heartbreaking to lose unique handcrafted things in the mail but it happens. This week he asked me to call him at work which I thought was odd. But then again it comes from my interpretation of what working at a defense facility is. My dad (150% Nerd) used to work in an office that was guarded 24 hours a day by two soldiers, one American, one Canadian, each holding a key to one of the three locks on the door. My dad had the other one. That’s so Cold War! But I did call CJO and he sounds adorable when he answers the phone in his ‘serious protocol military tone’.

I am not at all embarrassed or ashamed to have developed my ability to giggle about the simple things in life!

Phase one of our little project together is done. Phase two is purely social/marketing and will net us Phase three which is going to happen in 2009. Incidentally Phase three we will work at in person. I am now just as excited about that as he has been for the past month.

Other than that my life is taking a more corporate turn and I may be scarce around here. Happy Holidays to all!

I am kind of burnt today. Haven’t slept very well in the past week so as the week progressed my energy level tanked.

Right now I am at a fork in the road. I have options! I can continue to work from home or head back out to the ‘workplace’ (which is often surprisingly where little work gets done.) The offer is super tempting… I am giving myself 6 months to decide and one year to transition into it (if I go that route.)

I am losing the house in 1 year, unless I buy it from the owner, so I have that consideration to factor in as well. Upside is that I can pretty much set my own price as I have bought property in an ‘urgent’ situation before and am familiar with the process of doing it without a broker.

Made you look!

Yesterday I had lunch with the foremost expert on me. Very interesting! He encourages me to do stuff I am really on the fence about or afraid to do. Last time it was the writing. I’ve been writing absolutely unpublishable stuff but that’s the point… write the unfiltered truth and start practicing fiction. It’s been an adventure. Right now I don’t have a problem, I have a challenge! And challenges are what I live for. I am also considering a bigger contract. I mean I have to take a few of those a year if I want to do cool stuff.

Now on to the meat of the matter.

Lately, I have enjoyed pondering how my brain is changing. I have been working on this post for a little while. I didn’t really know how to explain it.

For the 15 years that I had PCOS and my brain was different.

I wasn’t afraid to tell people I was a crossdressing man stuck in a woman’s body. I mean in my super straight vanilla entourage of ten years ago that was a very loaded statement! I said it half-jokingly but it’s true. I have some female-to-male (FtM) transgendered and Queergendered friends and acquantances (over 10 so it’s not true that there are only 7 trans guys in the world LOL) and I have always known deep inside that my masculinized brain came entirely from chemistry and hormones that is thrown off by Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

I was born a girl, grew up happy to be a girl and continued to stick to my womanhood even though my brain felt somewhat different. I didn’t feel super-male, just very indifferent about gender. I am not like my friends who have always been male regardless of the body they were born in. They’re actual dudes!

At the same time I was working in a predominantly male industry and it seems like I developed a knack for thinking like a guy. Maybe it’s the acquired superpower from my malady. I benefit from it! I used to think I was bisexual but I sincerely threw myself into a mosh pit of queer girl fabulousness and all that mildly stuck are the girls who are one-by-one transitioning into men today. Well then that means they were guys all along so I must be more straight than I ever expected. I haven’t shared my experiences in that crowd because I have zero cred as I am a stereotypical hetero-normative woman, perhaps poly-queer but not very feminist LOL

For the past few years my brain is changing because of hormonal regulation. I have my period on queue (before I didn’t or rarely did.) I am like a teenage girl again and I have PMS. I hate PMS! OMG I want to cry all the time. I should seriously be seeing a specialist for this and I just may.

I have been empowered in my journey by my friend Jacky. He is a mom like me and over the past three years that we have known each other has been fucking with gender in the coolest imaginable ways. For the past year he has officially transitioned to male and has been on hormonal treatment for about 6 months. Jacky is an anthropologist so you can bet he has a LOT of insight into what he going through. He’s a GenderQueer Superhero. His blog is a great read. He was on the radio recently and I almost didn’t recognize his voice. I have always identified him as male from the very first time we met so this process has always seemed obvious to me. But I could not imagine a few years ago though that he would actually look so much like a guy once the physical process began.

I also follow Jacky’s lead in getting in touch with my feminine side and not freaking out when it rears it’s head. Jacky performed as a drag king for a few years in the process of getting in touch with his macho side. I say macho because Gary Dickinson, his Drag Alter-Ego is a macho asshole and he is fun to hang around LOL I am getting over being all macho myself and discovering being vulnerable. Men and women are capable of the full range of all genders I just associate the macho thing to my temporary maleness. Hanging up my metaphorical Domina whip and seeking someone who truly fits into the more traditional male gender role is a huge thing because he is likely to make me a total emotional wreck. I don’t talk about this with my transsexual girlfriends because I am simply on my own body’s hormones and not on hormonal therapy.

What I saw happen with Mr. M was new to me. He evoked a slew of new feelings I was not that much in touch with and I freaked out LOL We had some interesting conversations regarding gender roles and power dynamics! Sincerely I don’t mind getting emotional or crying, I have just been wired to be totally ashamed and embarrassed by it. I write emotional stuff and start crying and then, stop… The shut off valve still works! Interrupted crying gives me a headache. I read that it’s supposed to relieve stress. I haven’t had a good cry in years!!! I got going pretty good Monday (was writing.) Both times CJO just happened to call. He is the all powerful protector and he just happens to call when I start crying. He’s got superpowers!

I am feeling quite emotionally naked right now with all my over sharing. Not just here but in various focused forums and with all the guys. But I see it as the process of coming out of the closet and being transparent.

I wonder what pretty clothing I will buy myself as a reward for my weight loss. I need a whole new wardrobe as I will be hitting the 30 pnds mark pretty soon. This is another advantage of not having PCOS, my body is returning to the weight I was when I was 22. I am not actually dieting which either makes people think I am nuts or lying. Can you see me dissapearing in front of your eyes?! Really, the same mechanics that made me gain 30 pound in a few months when I was 22 are reversing and sending me back to my former weight. I will likely be going back to the gym when the New Years Resolution rebates roll in just to get my metabolism going and toning up. My back/vertebrae really does not hurt anymore. I mourn the loss of my butt. There is a free social fix to this, I can ask all my friends to always tell me my butt looks huge in whatever I am wearing. There you go.

Problem solved!

For the past month I have written way more personal things then I am used to. While in the past I pushed my opinions about the sex lives (or sexual issues) of others, I have been introspecting more.

I still read yesterday’s post and think: “why the fuck did I post that?!” but today I am really happy and joyful. And I feel loving and I want to do lovely and loving things today and this weekend.

But I will have to deal with the fact that way more people read this blog than I had previously thought…

Photo by linh.ngân

This is my own blueprint for mentoring (or reforming as the case may be) and it has worked exceedingly well. Once you HAVE these for yourself you can take it to the next level in your own way.

The 3 pillars of Man Hood

Originally published on May 28th, 2008. Updated for clarity.

I tend to evaluate all men based on three qualities. It took me a while to recognize, categorize and name them. For the past few years I have taught them. These qualities are not available in stores and they require effort and practice!

Most guys wait into their twenties before working on this. Don’t let another day go by without considering how cool it would be to reach manhood earlier than most guys. Today’s marketers of distractions count on the teen boy market to thrive therefore it is in their best interest to make sure you remain a teenager until you are 35.

Teenhood is a golden period where you can be sold anything and everything that should be free for the taking including fun and sex. The worst thing that could happen to marketers of distractions is for you to wake up and build a set of qualities and a character that freely attract attention, sex and life enjoyment to yourself without the need for expensive material accessories.

Sex is free but they get you on the accessories!
Miss Eva Vavoom

The three pillars of characters have been defined as follows by Miss Eva Vavoom, observer and reformer of young men.

• Yumminess (Yum!),
• Blow Job Worthiness (BJW),
• Mad Skillz (MSz)

Yumminess is attractiveness as it is conveyed by yourself alone and not your car or clothes or any other artifice. Yumminess is best conveyed through self exploration, acceptance, confidence and a sincere disposition. To be yummy you should know who you are, have confidence in yourself and be real. You should protect your body from the ravages of cigarettes, alcohol and drugs and avoid public drunkenness or being photographed or videotaped doing unattractive things. You should never engage in victimizing others or putting them down through intimidation, bullying or violence be it verbal, written or physical. Taking a stance on this and letting it be known to others will help you build a huge set of brass balls and eventually net you much power in the world of adults. Become the one who is chased and devise your own set of eccentric rules from which you will choose mates and friends carefully. Reject the external yardsticks of success, you can do much better than that.

Blow Job Worthiness is a state best achieved by giving back to the community and the ones you love. Being keen, helpful and caring towards others is key to achieving this state of being. For years men have stepped on co-workers, gotten into publicly humiliating scandals and stolen for others in order to get the materials trappings that will hopefully net them the coveted blow job (or anything sexual.) Your goal is to place yourself in a position where you deserve a blow job from everyone eliminating the problems that come along with being so desperate for attention that you jump into bed with anybody that comes along. One thing is for sure is that BJW cannot be sold or bought with money but is available for free to anyone who understands the concept and applies the rules.

So if I ever tell you you are blow job worthy, I am really saying…

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Napoleon Dynamite: Well, nobody’s going to go out with *me*!
Pedro: Have you asked anybody yet?
Napoleon Dynamite: No, but who would? I don’t even have any good skills.
Pedro: What do you mean?
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, like nunchuku skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills… Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
Pedro: Aren’t you pretty good at drawing, like animals and warriors and stuff?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes… probably the best that I know of.
Pedro: Just draw a picture of the girl you want to take out… and give it to her for like a gift or something.
Napoleon Dynamite: That’s a pretty good idea.
Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

Mad skillz are usually acquired while following a passion. Whether you are great at piano, fixing things or are especially knowledgeable in science your mad skillz are a demonstration that you have enough ability and patience to pursue an idea into reality. Having skillz is a way of showing people that you are bright, self-directed and do not need the nagging of other to do things. One of the great evangelists of Mad Skillz is Timothy Ferriss, the guy who wrote the 4-hour-workweek book. He says that most skills, however complicated, can be developed over the course of a few dedicated month. Using this he has developed ultimate fighting skills, language skills and latin dancing skills that have net him a place in the Guinness Book of World Records. Now most adults work 40 hours a week leaving little time to develop mad skillz. As a teen, you have massive amounts of free time which you may already be using on distractions and entertainment. Now is your golden time to develop these skillz, so don’t waste it!

Work on these pillars and you will reach adulthood on your own terms.

Few of these ideas require money or the approval of your parents, just a very judicious use of your precious time as a teenager.

If I could harness the idle time of American teenagers between the ages of 13 and 23, I could certainly rule the World!
Miss Eva Vavoom’s plan for World Domination would likely be foiled by Tek Jansen

Remember, there is no external yardstick for success in these goals and any effort you make nets you a gain in your everyday life.

And while you are at it, here are the 4 pillars or Man Style

This is one of those rare journal entries recounting my Saturday…

My day started with an e-mail from Mr. M essentially putting an end to the relationship we had started to build. I was anxiously expecting this message and it brought the closure that I needed. Mr. M. and I started off swimmingly. I have never encountered someone who came on to me so strong initially. Normally I would have brushed him off but I really liked him. And he was so non-generic in everything we talked about that he became a great source of inspiration. I can’t say I fantasize about random guys. What others call fantasizing, I call “planning”. Really, I have no use for fantasies that cannot come true so my fantasies are “50% Naughty activities/50% Strategy to make it happen”. So basically there is no fodder for planning naughty adventures with someone who is not available to me. But during the week that Mr. M. communicated to me very clearly that he was in my future, I had a lot of planning fun. But now that is over because I drove him nuts with my scrutinizing. People are not perfect and it is actually their mix of imperfection that makes them unique and real. I knew what I liked and didn’t like and I was still quite enamored with him nonetheless. So even though I was looking forward to a decisive missive from him, I was sad that it didn’t work out. So I can’t “plan” anything with him anymore but I will continue to ponder the ideas and topics that he brought up… he openned up a nice can of worms!

While my Saturday started off sad it got better. For the past 3 weeks my ex-husband has been engrossed in the process of organizing our daughter’s birthday party. He has been communicating with me about it on a regular basis. In the end the only thing I did was make the invitations and the punch. Last spring I realized that there is nothing that give me greater joy than doing parenting things with my baby-daddy. We seperated 4 1/2 years ago and have continued to celebrate Christmas together as well as other activities here and there. However, our daughter is entering into the tweens and have made a renewed commitment to share notes and work together. We are like regular parents who pass along the primary care therefore there is never a question as to who is in charge and who says: “Don’t talk to your mother/father like that!” We both come from divorced households with parents who verbally loathed each other for years. Can you think of a better method to kill your child’s soul!? So we spent the day together with 9 kids running around and at one point he looked at me smiling and said; “Aren’t you glad we have a daughter?” That is a loaded question but I just said yes. So basically my ex managed to turn Saturday into Mother’s Day at my house which I haven’t really celebrated in years. He was in a super good mood, smiled profusely and made geeky small talk. This is good as he is often grumpy which is not attractive. I will assume he is not grumpy because he has a girlfriend and leave it at that. He seemed really happy when I thanked him, I got a hug and was inspired to request something from him. Really, it is a very simple request but vague… So within 6 weeks I will find out if he grants it, and if so, how.

A caveat of my day Saturday is that I somehow managed to put my back out by simply squatting down to take pictures of the kids. I was so much in pain that for 8 hours I had nausea. I feared food poisonning but then got really hungry. Plus it was the first day of my periods so I had cramps… The whole stack of feelings was utterly overbearing but I managed to keep supervising the kids and kept a bucket close by. In my book, only kids are allowed to throw up at birthday parties so I was self-concious!

After dinner I checked my e-mails and got a nice note from my friend Chuck (was my bf in 1989) He has now started his second pilgrimage to New-Brunswick on foot. He started that last year leaving Quebec City only to get injured within 48 hours so it is now done “sur le pouce”. Chuck goes to Moncton to spend a few hours with his daughter. He has been getting the shitty end of the stick for 12 years when it comes to seeing her. To make matters worse, as soon as his daughter became old enough to decide where she would like to spend her time, her mother moved her to another province. This whole bitter and creepy parental denial thing moms do should be considered a crime. Chuck is a pretty tough guy who has worked as a tour guide, ski instructor and wind surfing instructor for almost 40 years. He once drove a beat-up lemon in a snow storm to come to Montreal to have dinner with me… he had just had a bad mountain bike accident and had metal rods poking out of his hand. Serious, I didn’t even know that when we made plans! He drove back in the same snow storm with only one working hand… Even though he is over 50 now and recently got his MBA, he is still an adventurer at heart. It’s always been easy for me to see him as a travelling partner in the future but that future keeps eluding me because I have responsabilities here. I will make official arrangements to spend a bit of time with him. Last time I got more than 90 minutes (in between connections) with him was 3 years ago already. Time flies!

After dinner, Yoshi asked how I was doing and I mentionned the unsurmountable pain and he offered to come over and give me a massage. My cat also offered me a massage but I refused. He has professional strength claws. So Yoshi worked his magic on me and I was quickly feeling better. He asked me why I was sad and told him I got my e-mail from Mr. M. and had mixed feelings about it. Now, I haven’t had sex in weeks and perhaps only once in the past month but what I missed most was affection… and by that I don’t mean I missed getting affection but giving it. So Yoshi and I cuddled and I stroked his hair for a while. We wound up reminiscing about the worst week ever which was exactly two years ago. It was the perfect storm of catastrophies and while none of it was my fault, I was stuck in triage for two weeks. And then everything fell back into place perfectly and it all hinged on my executive decision to send Yoshi’s mom to a homeless shelter (she was evicted from her place.) Yoshi and I chuckled that by doing this I effectively bought his mom a two-month vacation. She was so happy being on her own and spent her two months is a semi-private room. It was a really nice shelter… For 19 years she had one or two boys to care for on her own, mostly on welfare, almost always depressed and suddenly… no more! She was a different person. For the time being, I was the one who had two teenagers wrestling around my living room but that was super easy to manage compared to managing a 50 y.o. teenager. Now Yoshi is the one who cares for them on a daily basis. He has way more on his plate than I do but he makes it a point to care for me on a quasi-daily basis. However, I feel he has to move on. I am 16 years older than he is and eager to find someone my own age to be with (I have been harping on about this for a while…) So recently, when I told him I needed time to sort out things with Mr M. he changed his Facebook status to Single! When he left, he told me he was very happy. He wrote me a long e-mail Sunday morning elaborating on what we talked about and on his plans. I really love it when he does that. It’s an insight into his progress. For two years, our relationship has been rooted in a BDSM model. We have a mentor/student relationship (not a master/slave relatioship. Duh!) Seems to me that this is a relationship that must include a “graduation” at some point and I think he is ready. He is attached to me and I am attached to him too but it is an important step for me. I don’t want to dump him, I want him to move on to the next step in his life! I can see us in the future continuing our friendship (like Chuck and I have over almost 20 years) while we are both with more similar partners. This is aaaakwaaaard… but then again it has to be talked about, prepared and executed. To people around me, I am the woman who has a super cute 21-year-old lover… that may make some women giggle but with guys it’s a totally different issue. Men I talk to casually have no insight into my absolute adoration of guys 35-40. The fact that I have been with someone so much younger for so long gives the wrong impression about the type of person I see myself with in the long run. I am someone who likes goals and steps and I don’t want to rush through this step while I am also developing a relationship with someone else so I want us to work through this in the short term.

So I fell asleep Saturday night perhaps planning Yoshi’s graduation party

Yoshi (He’s TPB in previous posts) took some time to do a follow-up to my Open Letter to Corey Worthington Delaney (and it’s follow-up post.) See the bottom for an announcement.

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Hey Corey,

Let me introduce myself, I’m Yoshi, a 20 years old man and although I did not do what you did, I also did some pretty bad things in my life that I regret. I can relate to you, as people realised what I did and hated me for it. I’ve lost my best friend in the process. I wish to give you some advices on how to improve your own life, be really happy with it and how to get out of your current situation. I wish to help you have a second chance and live the life YOU want to live!

Before doing anything, I’m sure that by now, you realised your mistakes. The next step is now to admit your mistakes to everyone around you. A real man, with balls, will admit his mistakes and learn from them. You cannot move on before you do this. You have a chance to change and become a man, a person who leads by setting example. Don’t waste it!

Then, you will have to understand that you live in a society, which believes in helping each other out, in good and in evolution. You are only one(1) person out of over six billions people(+6,000,000,000) but yet, you are an unique person, who had his own beliefs, passions and goals in life. My goal is to tell you how to get there. However, as much as I can assist you by telling you how to get there, you and only you can make the move and realise all of this!

First of all, you need to work on your self-esteem. Believe in yourself, Corey the 17 years ago guy, not in the image that the medias created of you. Yes, you’ve made a terrible mistake and I understand that you are ashamed of it. You’ve got to realise that everyone makes mistakes in their life and what seperate losers from winners is how you face your mistakes. Be a man, acknowledge your mistakes, apologize to the concerned people that were hurted by your mistakes. Most importantly, learn from your mistakes and don’t repeat them! That requires guts, but the relief you get afterwards is priceless. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do, choose who to listen to. Associate yourself with people that share your goals or that you see can help you in a way. Respect those people!

2nd of all, you need to realise that some people want to help you out! Believe me, people know what it’s like to make mistakes and be ashamed. Everyone has been there at one or several points of their life and you will encounter people that will want to help you. Accept that help. Listen to the advice that they will offer to you, very carefully. An example of this is Bianca and Terry, in Big Brother Australia. They are human beings, just like you and are simply trying to give me an hand to help you stand up on your own feets again. There’s nothing wrong with doing things that people tell you to do. Unless they are telling you to do something stupid, in which case you need to call them on it. Also, girls are not evil, don’t be scared nor shy of them, they make great friends and I’ve found that having a girl point of view can be very useful sometimes! Remember to respect people, that they want to be treated just as well as you want to be treated.

3rd point, fix some goals for yourself and find your passions in your life, yet, live day to day, in the present moment. That is, fix some goals YOU want to acheive, in the next month, in the next 6 months and in the next 3 years. Focus and work hard on those goals. Tell people about them, it will help you remember and focus on them. When you reach them, be proud, tell your real friends and celebrate. You want to live day per day and focus on the current moment. What is making you happy right now? What is coming up today and how can you enjoy it?

Here’s a few goals I suggest to you, to start with :

Go talk to people, be loud and clear, don’t be shy of girls. Look people in their eyes.

Take some time to sit down and think on this : Who are my real friends? That is, people that support you, don’t lie to you and will not try to rip you off (On money, friends, job,etc). Get rid of your “friends” that never contact, are not there when you need their help and especially the ones that are trying to make you do stupid things!

Accept people for who they are. Don’t try to change them.

4rd point, waste less time on your physical apparence and more on your attitude.

Here are two things that I noticied when I saw you on Big Brother :

1. Change your haircut, as soon as possible. No blonde, it looks horrible and it’s 100% fake.
2. Abosulutely no pink fur boots. I’m sorry but no straight man would even think of wearing something so ugly and gay. It brings way too much attention to you anyway, which you don’t want right now.

As for the your attitude: Stand up for yourself, don’t be shy, say what you think, defend your beliefs. Look at people in their eyes, when you talk, be loud and clear. Show that you believe in yourself, be proud of who you are. Show who you represent.

5th point, be genuine. Tell people the truth, don’t try to hide the truth, don’t change the facts, don’t tell different versions of your life to different people. People talk and they will figure it out at one point or another. Don’t lie to yourself. You’re Corey, 17 y.o, and what you are is what you’ve done until now. Not what you want to become later in your life. Don’t go tell people, oh I’m a party boy, when all you did was making a mess in your parent’s house. If you want people to respect and love you, you have no choise but to be genuine. Life is so much better when you don’t have to lie, don’t have to make sure that everyone is on the same page and don’t have to worry about it anymore.

It will be tough, but keep in mind what is your goal. To be recognized as a genuine man, be respected and live the life you desire!

Good luck =)

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This will be the last entry on the subject on this blog. Yoshi and I are now moving on to write Milf&Honey together.

Over the course of the next few weeks I will move the youth/teen/young adult entries there as well. This will resolve the problem where I have adult content here and wanted a place to put the non-x-rated things so each content found the right audience.