Sex is FREE; but they get you on the accessories!!!

Not too tired after a night out at The Loft du Chateau with Mr. P. I was staking out the place for my event and somehow it looked smaller the second time around. But it’s going to be just fine for what I have to do. It was a special evening for Masters so I went for a disheveled secretary after the office party kinda look. However when I go out with Mr. P. I let him be in charge of my attire so he usually reorganizes what I am wearing in another way. He also bought a remote controlled egg which I put into my pantyhose LOLz No it wasn’t necessarily ‘pleasing’ in a sexual way but it tickled a lot so I let people be amused at my reaction to it. I was also looking forward to spending a bit of time with LS (He did my suspension bondage during the Everything To do with Sex Show and we’ve spent hours together since then.) So the whole evening I was either with Mr. P, LS or both in an obviously ‘friendly’ way. Best moment: When they were talking together, or about me, as if I wasn’t there LOL I like not being in charge and not being the center of attention and when I am in that space, I do not have to think, or say anything witty or even remember anything. It’s like being on a brain vacation LOL

I noticed there was this guy always passing by us. You know the type dressed all in black with a whip tied to his belt. I figured he was just peeping. People interact differently with subs and I like to see the world from that perspective. I don’t care to put on a Mistress/Domina costume and parade around. Submitting to me is real-life hard work for real-life rewards so I rarely ‘play’ and I think I only scened publicly once in the past 3 years when I did some cock bondage work in the medical room at Lady Viktoria’s Loft. That’s why some people talk about my ‘cock work’ LOL

When I was getting ready to leave that predatory guy came over to me and introduced himself as MasterBill(*Not his actual name). I said “Hello Bill” and gave him my covert sub name. He was visibly upset and said “No, it’s MasterBill!” putting the emphasis on Master. I was a bit amused. I mean in the BDSM scene people introduced themselves with their ‘title’ like Miss, Mistress, Lady or whatever so it is not as uncool as introducing yourself as ‘Mister Smith’ in a Vanilla situation… However, he crossed the line by insisting that I call him ‘Master’ something. He then asked me why I did not play that night. How interesting that he was not able to discern that I had an awesome time playing with Mr. P., LS and random strangers (via remote control) all evening. He also said that perhaps with the right Master, the pleasure would be great. That was his most entertaining comment. Who is this guy to move in on me as my date is busy talking to JeePee, the owner, and insinuate that my companions are in any way inadequate because they did not whip or flog me during the evening. I told him I was not available. He eventually buzzed off as there were two subs, I already know, excitedly talking to me. Situations like that are fun because when M0j0D4ddy and I talk about them, he will usually entertain me with what he would have told the fucktard LOL Douchebags and assholes entertain me but one thing is for sure, when M0j0D4ddy and I are in the same space, he gets to be ‘Executive in charge of biting the head off people who bug me’. He can have that job permanently if he wants it.

My sweetie spent the weekend in Texas at a Master/slave conference. I haven’t the foggiest idea what people do or learn at these things but his main job was to mingle anyway. He did mingle and he told me he kept bragging about me LOL I don’t know why he feels he must assure me he is not peeling panties left and right. I told him, again, the hotness that he is shouldn’t go to waste. That makes him giggle but I’m serious. As long as he doesn’t meet any Dominiques! We’ve been the target of some really serious meddling from outside over the past month and yet things are going even better between us. Who cares how things are going when things are all rosey, it’s when there are issues and problems to deal with that you can really see what a person is made of. He said that to me in mid-January. Originally sidetracking him into a project was my way of getting to that without actually verbalizing my goal LOL

The fact that I write about him here is out in the open now and all of M0j0D4ddy’s stalkers know or will eventually know about this blog (That is why I hacker spell his name LOL.) I copy-pasted all references and dated then in chronological order so that he could read my characterization of him. He simply told me I can write whatever I want about him. Our relationship dynamic is officially ‘peers’ even though I lead and he follows. My leadership is a service to him. This seems to confuse certain people. For all the thing I write or joke about him or us here there are 50 more juicy tidbits that I feel are way more unique or funny.

We are actively working on defining a Relationship 2.0 on a daily basis where both parties, who are mature and know what they want, share that information BEFORE getting into a relationship. Often I will tell him what he wants. I do that because he lights up when I discover him rather than him having to tell me everything. But I often do it in a mock chastising way where I scold him for being high maintenance LOL Last week we had the ‘household’ conversation. These gems don’t belong on my blog, they belong in a different context and we haven’t decided what that context will be yet.

When I saw Crash (Cronenberg) in 1997, I was repulsed. None of the characters made any sense to me and they had absolutely nothing endearing about them. I also don’t have a car fetish. I watch Top Gear for James May and the overall wit but I have always been afraid of cars, namely dying in a car crash. I have driven by myself only a few times. I’d love to learn how to drive for sports (rally) but driving for practical reasons leaves me cold. I am crap at it too.

I spent some time this weekend talking with Mr. P. about having un-natural experiences involving vehicles. He showed me the brace he wore for three months after being chewed up by a plane. Owies… I, on the other hand, was forcibly raped in the behind by a Mazda Protege (while pinned against my Chrysler Neon.) My freaky vehicular three way doesn’t beat flying into power lines… Mr. P is the only other person I’ve met who also has nerve damage and, having been bolted back together extensively, understands what that does. Oh and did I mention he’s a sadist!

I am officially a kinskter now and I am supposed to understand these things… I ALWAYS side with Ebert on everything but I didn’t in the case of Crash. But things make a bit more sense now. Crash was more interesting the second time around, in fact, I can say I had forgotten about most of the first part because the second part annoyed me so much! The characters are still somewhat cold and not that endearing. Yeah, super hottie James Spader manages to come off un-sexy most of the movie!

At least now, I can appreciate people who’s fetishes make little sense to me, just like, I am sure, some of my inclinations make no sense to others.

Everything meets somewhere…

For instance, the day before, I had written part of a story that has one character initiating sex while the other one is crying. Most readers would exclaim “No, that is the worst time to be initiating sex!” This was how I felt the first time I watched the very last scene of Crash!

To check another movie off my ‘to watch list’, I started watching Caligula a month ago. I gave up… Should I even bother to watch the whole thing? John Hurt plays Caligula in I, Claudius… I think that will be much better to watch (when I get to it.)

A while back I wrote on this blog that CJO is a bit like Mark Anthony. At the time it was because he had suggested we get together to shoot some slaves. This reminded me of one of the most obnoxious scenes in Rome (He has never watched Rome.) I figured he was saying this for the benefit of a certain slave who was within earshot. Personally I would rather not shoot at anyone. I’m not a sissy, I just think that the words ‘non lethal’ in the name of certain ammo is marketing bullshit. But give me a paint gun and I may change my mind; I’ll just make sure the sniper is on MY team!!!

When I started watching Rome in October, I thought that having a household like Atia and Servillia would be cool. Obviously, I have no use for decorative slaves but I could definitely use a chauffeur and a butler. Just once in a while. Everybody in this neighborhood seems to know that I am the thrifty single mom. I don’t even have a car when most others have 2.5 trucks and 1.25 cars. I noticed that having handsome guys appear out of nowhere to rake my yard and shovel my snow attracts some attention and questions. So if my daughter ever started a phrase with “Our butler…” it might trigger more questions than I care to answer…

Just like Mark Anthony, my sweetie is a very good warrior. As long as it supports his long term goals in some way, he will likely do anything I ask. I have missions lined up into 2010 for him and some are NOT easy! I’m courting a veteran Dom by being a total Domina and he LIKES it. Raising (elevating) Dominants is my shtick! I make sure regularly that it’s okay for me to hit him with the ‘to do’ stick harder and harder as the deadlines get closer. When both parties are sincere and fully into it, Dominance and submission are the exact same thing. I may joke about it but I see my management of his current engagements and his overall career change as ‘service’ to him.

Because he KNOWS that my thing is to help him get what he wants he has been more open about a lot of things. I am considering him as a life partner so I want to know what he wants however lofty, capricious or eccentric it may be. It’s a test in itself because at his age he is supposed to know what he wants. One of the recurring themes that has come up is that he wants a household (with slaves.)

I’ve suspected this for a long time and I have nothing against the concept. I don’t think it looks the same in my head as it does in his though! I LOVE this kind of relationship talk! Using his logic of having slaves giving him more time to do the cool stuff he’d rather do (like gardening and sex.) I will gladly lay down a plan that includes him as my landscaping and sex slave!

Recently I started taking this Fetish Knowledge Test on OKCupid. Wow, thanks but No Thanks! I gave up at this question.

I really like Tania’s video tips. I don’t understand why the commentors are so hateful to her though. Dudes, this info is gold!

I have watched the first part of Gunpowder, Treason and Plot. I was looking for Kevin McKidd without the fake accents. He was hot in Journeyman (which is not the best show…) I absolutely fell in love with him in the pilot of Rome (as Veronius) a year ago and now I am mad at his character for being a pig headed man in the rest of the episodes!

I really got my wish with McKidd as Lord Bothwell in Gunpowder, Treason & Plot. I love the scene where Mary calls him back as he leads the cavalry and enters England without her orders. While Bothwell serves his Queen, he is still the dark knight to be reckoned with. At times, Gunpowder is a bit melodramatic but the characters are unhinged, the situations are raw and the dialogue is sometimes deliciously venomous. As it happens, it’s a story of Queens and Ladies.

For years I have gotten my strength from my court and army. What makes a warrior? Tempestuously manly and devoted but not “mine” in the same sense as those who are in my court. I fear that in my quest for order I may have tamed my Scottish warriors. I have addressed this with them separately but perhaps not efficiently enough. They used to make me want to slap them in the face. Now, not so much though we still see each other as much as time permits. My warriors are busy, they have trees to chop, camps to build and “wars” to fight so I do not distract them so much. I have entertainment closer to home…

I still have one warrior who will not be curbed. He is a seasoned coureur des bois and a Briton. He is multi-talented and can build a house all by himself; I admire that. He grew up on the same street I did, less than 10 houses away. My mom, who was still a nun at the time, was his high school religion teacher. She remembers him… not so fondly. Yet we did not know of each other until he captured and ravished me (in Abitibi-Témiscamingue of all places) when I was a teenager. I have always accepted his way and have not attempted to change it. I can control him with physical distance. For decades he was all over the World. That kept him busy. He’s sent letters and now e-mails. I travel to his kingdom on occasion but rarely tell him. Almost a decade ago I told him to go back to his dark lonely place. He did what I asked! But only because I was married. In fact being married was a safe cage that protected me from having to deal with him and his ways. When he realized I was single, he made me understand that things had not changed. After that I started pondering where he fits into my life. He is a brute. He’s a brigand. He is beneath me. He is a loose end that requires tying up. He hides behind his “I’m a cool laid-back French dude” attitude. He may be warm, polite and friendly but when it comes down to it he will not listen to me. He just crumples up what I say and throws it in the garbage. Originally, I fought him off (after a moment of truly fearing for my life) and made him wait for a proper and explicit permission. I did not tell him I was 18, he did not need to know that. He thought I was 25. That moment shaped me into a person who is not afraid of tempestuous men (like Scots and Klingons!) He has requested an audience, again… This time I want to say yes. I now live in a place where his impulsive behavior will not do. I have not shared much of my private life with him. He does not even know I rule. I do not want to lose his affection and his loyalty has been constant. When he returns to my castle, I have decided that he will have to obey my rules. He does not know or expect this. I am who I am today in large part because of him but I would rather explain this in person and in private. Will he get down on his knees? Or will I know the strap, again. No, that would not do, he will kneel.

I have been reading Time Magazine for almost 27 years. Sure the format has dumbed down in the past 10 years making more room for bite size news à la USA Today but it’s still my main source of long form written information. Every issue brings something surprising and thought provoking. I have loved the recent profiles of Bill Gates, Mark Twain and Nelson Mandela.

I just got around to reading The Pursuit of Putity (July 17th.) On the Time.com website the article is titled The Pursuit Of Teen Girl Purity. Maybe Time.com employs CNN’s sex keyword combination SEO expert.

This article is very interesting and my favorite quote is from one of the fathers at a ball covered by the reporter, his name is David Diefenderfer.

“I never planned to have nine children by seven women”

This phrase opens a huge can of WTF!?!1! How can you not plan to have 9 children by 7 women. While it’s certainly not as hard to get 7 women pregnant 9 times as birthing and raising 9 children, it still takes some involvement. Thirty eight years ago, this man had sex with a virgin who immediately got pregnant. This unplanned event produced his oldest daughter, Juliet, who is also quoted in the article. Juliet and I have much in common being the result of unplanned parenthood 38 years ago.

I truly feel that if teenagers got comprehensive education on sex AND sexuality AND adulthood they would most likely make the right choices for themselves. Sex is an unfair burden for teenagers and young adults so making a purity pledge is not a bad idea in itself but it falls into this proven inefficient system of “abstinence”. It’s like saying “promise me you wont have sex until marriage so I don’t have to go through the uncomfortable step of teaching you about life”.

If I can divulge a big secret about sex here is that it pretty much sucks until you get good at it or find someone decent to do it with. This will most likely not happen until you are in your twenties or later.

Sex is a long term investment however it has a lot of risks attached to it making it a bad use of your time, espescially when you are a teen. Sex is an important part of life and my recommendation to abstain from having sex when you are a teen has absolutely no relation to religion or morality and everything to do with long term life strategy.

The other secret is that not everyone is doing it. I have had sex with virgin guys (from late teens to early thirties) over the past 20 years. What I have noticed is that the longer a guy waits to have sex, the better his satisfaction is with the resulting “sex life” (and I draw from my conversations with guys in general because I do like to ask those kinds of questions!) I have also chatted with guys who are around 20 and think it is scandalous that they are still a virgin. What they think is unusual is actually quite normal. Plus it only means that once they find that awesome person to have sex with it will likely be much more satisfying.

I have also known someone who was promiscuous as a teen and developed a huge amount of guilt and hang ups about sex. It was as if he did not understand sexuality beyond the use of his genitals. He never talked about sex other than to criticize or judge and would be too self-conscious or ashamed to dare plan sex in the future. Then he would suddenly want to have sex at the most inopportune time completely unprepared! This is how he got his girlfriend pregnant when he was 17. I wonder if he will have 9 children by 7 women.

And because I quote a guy out of context above, I am reprinting the whole passage from the article so you can enjoy it as well.

Out on the terrace under an almost moon, the black swans have vanished into the lake. David Diefenderfer has slipped outside for a cigarette; he’s a leathery South Dakotan in a big black cowboy hat, and he hands over his card. HAVE GUN, WILL TRAVEL: BREEDER SERVICE, it says, with a picture of a syringe. He’s in the cattle-reproduction business. He’s also the father of nine children by seven women.

Three of his daughters are with him tonight, including 10-year-old Taylor. I asked what purity means to her. “I don’t really know,” she says, and she’s shy about talking about all this. “But it means you make a promise to your dad to be a virgin until you are married and not have a lot of boyfriends.”

That’s what her oldest half sister Juliet was taught as well; she remembers hearing how her mother got pregnant the very first time she had sex. Juliet is now 37 and has come from Reno, Nev., where she works for Microsoft Licensing. She has watched the evening unfold with some skepticism. “I think I’m finding I’m more of a feminist than I thought,” she says with a sly smile. “I had a hard time there hearing about ‘rescuing’ our girls. I was brought up to be a strong woman. Why would I need rescuing?” It’s the boys who she thinks need help these days. “It’s great for girls to have a Cinderella night with Dad, but families still need a good strong father role model,” she says. The role-model question is tender for her. “I didn’t have that–no offense, Dad,” she says, and then she looks hard at him. “But my siblings do. He really stepped up to the plate. He’s a great dad now. I say that with a tinge of jealousy. I’m not afraid to admit it.”

Her father hopes his kids will learn from his mistakes. “I never planned to have nine children by seven women,” he says. “I believe it’s necessary to instill a set of values, give them tools to make good decisions.” But he won’t be there to help. Juliet explains when he goes back inside the ballroom to catch up to the younger girls: “We’re sort of here on borrowed time,” she says. David Diefenderfer has Stage 4 inoperable lung cancer; they figure tonight is something of a gift. “He won’t be at their wedding,” Juliet says, looking into the glowing room, “but they can look back and remember the dance they had tonight.”

From The Pursuit of Teen Girl Purity, Nancy Gibbs, Time Magazine, July 17, 2008.

This might seem like a simple thing to do and it’s pretty strange that the subject hasn’t come up yet. So mommy should say: “So some girls like girls and they are called Lesbians!” End of story.

However, what happens when my daughter meets my dozen girlfriends and identifies them as lesbians. Will they bite her head off like they bite mine off when I ever utter the “L” word? My friends who would identify as lesbians are actually in the closet (one even to ME!) and all others identify as something else. They are “Queer” or some other term I suspect they may have made up like “hottiesexual” (all fun terms to mean bisexual.) For the most part I do not want to get into what each one of these terms means to a 7-year old who fast forwards through the kissing in High School Musical.

My only bisexual girlfriend whom I “really” like, and my daughter met once, decided to be a dude so I already explained the situation to my daughter. This is a way more complicated subject that I take to heart because it took me 20 years of pondering to understand what gender is and is not.

My daughter may not remember it but she has a girlfriend who likes to kiss girls (who’s married mom keeps hitting on me) however they have moved to the US. Originally I was annoyed that she would go around kissing the other girls, including mine, because of germs but then let it go.

But even then, someone who kissed a girl and liked it is not exactly a lesbian or even bisexual for that matter!

I thought this video was cute. It is two guys kissing after being prodded or dared by their friends. If they were girls it would be soooo 1999.

The last comment in my cap is priceless. Sure homosexuality is wrong in your head, but in your pants it’s oh so right!

And yes for the record I love to watch guys kissing but in RL, not so much on video.

Detail’s Blog takes on Crazy Chicks. Yes, guys do like crazy girls and I don’t say that because I am crazy but because I like to observe.

There is no bigger heartbreak than to invest months of “getting-to-know-you” time into the most jaw-dropping sexy geeky perfect guy ever and watch the crazy girl waltz in, fuck him and talk her way into his apartment within a month. And then it’s heartbreaking again when you hear the smidge of regret in his voice a week later. Then it’s even more heartbreaking to hear her give me this advice: “Well if you like them you better move in and fuck them else you’ll be stuck in the friend zone forever!” Next time I am in her presence I will bring ear plugs because she always manages to say things that are deeply insulting to me. I have given up on him because according to BF#1 the chances of him breaking up with her are slim because he is the kind of guy who is loyal and always wants to do the right thing. (In poly-world I could aspire to being GF#2 but since GF#1 values spontaneous fucking around and devalues his preference for <gesticular quoting>relationships</gesticular quoting>, that would just make my head explode.)

Sigh…

It’s not like this has never happened before. In 1991, I was on the verge of getting back together with my high school sweetheart but the girl he had recently dated threatened to kill herself. Heck, I can’t compete with that kind of crazy! I always bow out of those challenges, turn around and walk away briskly.

I take a very long time to get to know a guy just for that reason. I cannot afford to be with someone who is weak in the presence of a crazy girl but to a certain extent, all guys are. More on that later.

Right now I have my sight set on a guy I totally fell for at first sight over 18 months ago. I have never made a move on him but I observe from afar and read between the lines of his Facebook statuses. Nope, none of them contain any secret messages to me unless of course he mentions me by name LOL I’ve never felt that I had to make a move on him because I know I will run into him again. It would help though if I went to see his shows instead of going to bed at 8pm on Saturday night! Alright, I have missed all the events I am supposed to run into him! He is a fuckin’ Rock star with fans galore but comes off as reserved and not at all promiscuous. I don’t think he has any idea how awesome I think he is and even if he did, he would lump my interest in with the adulation that he gets from the hundreds of suicide girls (and gay men) who send him Xs and Os everyday. Through my patience and attention to his career I have found myself working with the Rock star in him. Though I must admit when I have to deal with the Rock star I filter it out and I observe the traditional small town Catholic boy raised with military precision. I think that represents 75% of who he is but I have to admit that I admire him for breaking so far out of that mold and making himself into an extravagant celebrity. I know I am making assumptions based on what he does, says or writes but consider that what a man does speaks volumes about his character… It is 1000% more indicative of who he is compared to let’s say… what he might say about himself on a first date!

The only reservation I would have about being with him is that he would not be my first famous or incredibly popular acolyte and it’s really hard to get quiet time with someone like that. There is always someone who calls, interrupts our conversations, stops them at street corners or starts screaming in the near vicinity of my ears (ouch!) Through all of this I know that there is 99% chance that one of the many, many, many profusely tattooed, pierced and pink-haired extravagant beauties he sees everyday will come in and swoop him off his feet before I even get to our first face-to-face sit down chat. I expect that chat to happen in the near future but that will probably be too late. For that I am not getting my hopes up.

You know, the last time I was so incredibly enamored with a boy, I found out that he had a secret crush on me… 6 years later! I have had countless long-term relationships based on an early connection like this hence why I am like “Well if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be” about it. I like to celebrate knowing somebody who is worth getting all excited about. I only meet one crush-worthy person each year, I better make the most of it! These are people I instantly absolutely adore and none of them (in 20 years) have ever turned out to be assholes so I must be a good judge of character.

Let’s go back 4 years.

- 2004: My Scottish Boy (BF #2) I love him so!
- 2005: Boyfriend #3 (now-ex) AND the girl-friend that is becoming the boy-friend
- 2006: The blow-job worthy sys admin
- 2007: The subject of most of this entry who’s nickname will either become “My Sweetheart” or “That Guy who Thinks I’m His Crazy Stalker”. Time will tell.

(Before 2004 I was in two back-to-back long term monogamous relationships lasting almost 12 years.)

I am very patient and my patience has served me right over the years. I have two partners who are secure and I trust that they will not put their life (or mine) in danger because of some crazy bitch. Okay perhaps I am editing the news here… One of them was temporarily distracted by a self-serving bitch on the rebound and bent on revenge but he still maintains she is not a bitch. She broke his heart and dumped him for the first guy that came along and luckily she is now locked away in marriage and into the dream-house her husband can’t really afford. I had correctly calculated that it would cost me about 3 months of time away from my sweetie (kudos on me telling my girlfriend how it would go down and being right) But I also lost another 6 months because he was sorry and hiding in shame. (If you read this sweetie I hope you know that I will never interfere, I trust that you can learn to protect yourself and that the next one will be “The One”. I am more worried about you when you go on your crazy extreme sports trips in the middle of nowhere and I pray that nobody dies on this one!!!)

After 4 years of thinking about who I am today and what I want out of life I am open to having a primary partner. That is someone I live with and love through encouragement, kinky sex and good cooking. Even though I am far away from being financially secure, I already have the house in the suburbs and the most fantastic daughter (as voted on by most other parents in a 4 mile radius!) My biological clock is not ticking even though I wish I could be a doting auntie to my two (soon to be three) nieces in Quebec City. I am not looking for some guy to complete me or take me shopping. The only consideration I have is for character and the other things I think all men should strive to accomplish (Yummyness, blow-job worthyness and mad skillz.) I am simply looking for someone who loves me, accept me the way I am and encourage me in my odd complicated pass-times.

Part of the reason I will not make the first move is because I want to be with someone who really wants to be with me and will make an effort. But as I wrote in my last post: He must be well-informed as to what he is getting into. My #1 crush knows me professionally now. As far as I am concerned, I am still in the “doesn’t know I exist” category.

Why am I complex? I am 75% Martha Stewart, 25% Nina Hartley and overjoyed when I encounter a guy who is astute enough and confident enough to call me on it.

Unfortunately a lot of guys my age are into young crazy girls who brings excitement and chaos into their boring life. The Internet appears to be how they find tons of those if I judge from the online dating landscape. Yet most will admit (and I do ask!) that they know they are shopping at Bitches’R'Us. There they find a semblance of excitement and lots of grief and walk away still hungry. But these guys cannot take the non-crazy that I bring to the table. I don’t do crazy things “in the name of love” and that comes of as cold to a guy who needs validation.

Heck, I am not immune to suicide boys myself. I cannot tell you how many times I have told The Paper Boy that I fear my friends and lovers will discredit me for years for sticking with him through all the grief he put me through. Our relationship is the most drama-filled 18 months I have ever had. A lot of it is not directly his fault though, it was a few people around him who stir the pot and get on my last nerve with their drama. The silver lining to it is that I appear to have set him straight and he is profusely thankful for it. I am being unfair by lumping an immature teenage boy with possibly insane crazy girls (who are adults.)

I do not admire a guy who lets a girl walk all over him. Those things include not letting him see his friends alone (removing the support group), dictate how he spends his money (financial control), yell hysterically over everything (make him think he has done something wrong and must apologize again) and worse yet, fake pregnancies and break all his shit.

The only way to redeem yourself in my eyes after that is to learn from it and become crazy-bitch-fortified.