Sex is FREE!

I think, I formulate hypothesis and then ask a bunch of overly-personal questions… It yields interesting albeit frightening answers sometimes.

I don’t want to be out of touch, I have been really interested how teenagers grow and mature into adults. And I am also interested in generational differences and how people turn out differently depending on the quality of their relationship with their parents. Mind you I do it also to figure out how to raise my child to become a happy fulfilled independent adult. It is not obvious because I have raised 7 boys but now I have a daughter! Maybe I will have a daughter who is well informed on the matter of boys! Right now we talk about friendship and girl-cliques a lot. I am also concerned with age-appropriateness of the things I teach her. We have started talking about the internet, consumerism and cell phones. Next year she will be in third grade and that’s when everything starts to change.

But there’s a long way ’til the end of high school and college still. And right now I’m doing some research with university students to assess their needs for self-defense classes, notably Patrick’s Modern self-denfense class that addresses recent statistics of acquaintance sexual assault and rape.

I was very fortunate to have a conversation with a recent university grad last night and when he saw the course ware for Modern Self-Defense for Sexual Situations that become Non-Consensual, he said quite matter-of-factly that this was a sorely needed class. This class was originally developed for people involved in the BDSM lifestyle and those are usually more self-aware and negotiation-oriented than your average vanilla peeps. However, Patrick and I are re-working it for an audience of people who seem to need it way more notably college & university-aged women as well as sex workers, transsexuals and gay men. For each clientele the documentation and the communication has to be adapted because this is a touchy subject and it is really hard to convince people to take this compulsory life class. People would rather not think about it or talk about it.

I asked my recent university grad a bit of a downer question… But it is the basis for the current documentation I am writing for the college version of this class.

Out of all your girlfriends in your Facebook list, 20-25% of them have been sexually assaulted or raped. Do you know who they are?

He answered: “Unfortunately, yes…” It was interesting for me to listen to his take on the matter.

Self-defense classes are available but there aren’t enough instructors who specialize in real-world situations faced by young people today espescially young women 18-25. Let’s face it, women are sexually active and therefore encounter guys who range the scale from clueless to careless to just plain dangerous. And then there are those who are simply bad. But much harm is done by the first category and girls should learn to avoid or protect themselves against all bad sexual situations that could become non-consensual.

Over the years I’ve listened and and heard…

I told him to put on a condom but he tricked me and didn’t use one.

He bit me too hard.

He came once, didn’t tell me and we kept having sex. This is likely how I got pregnant.

I have a stupid random question, Is is rape if you were under the influence?

I believe that a happy safe sex life for men and women is born of sex education and sexual confidence. There is a lack of sex education if these kinds of situations keep happening every few seconds.

Self-defense is only one part of the puzzle but it is necessary and should be pursued on a regular basis. This is something women should be involved in on a yearly basis if one does not want to pursue a regular weekly martial arts program.

Patrick will be coming back to Montreal and hopefully Ottawa to teach. You can write to me to be notified when that happens at evavavoom [at] gmail.com. There will be separate and specific clientele-based classes and the curriculum is based on three years of listening to the specific questions of students in the class and the most recently available statistics from various rape-crisis center in North-America’s colleges and universities.

In Toronto, Sex educator Viktoria organizes Women’s REALISTIC Self Defense classes with her martial arts and self defense instructor. Write or call Viktoria for info ladyviktoria [at] ymail.com or 416-887-5621.

*Photo by nyki_m

Long time no see.

I had access to the Web while I was in Toronto but I made it a point not to check too much. The last 10 days were perhaps the best experience of living in the moment of my whole life. This is what I seek from a vacation or a trip. In fact, in the past few years I have been on a quest to stop thinking or worrying about twelve things at the same time. I truly believe that I am now able to enjoy the unique experiences that I have crafted for myself and the fun opportunities that come my way. I think I was able to accomplish all of my objectives and, as a bonus, I met some great (and yummy!) people along the way.

I gave my Cock Bondage workshop 3 times. One of the questions I had was: “Who the heck is going to take a Cock Bondage workshop?” As it turns out, women who took my class were awesome like-minded crafty/geeky chicks and we had lots of giggly fun together. I was also amazed that many brought a partner (cock puppet) to practice on. I was delighted by people’s comments on the post class surveys and had a fun time pondering what else I could teach. I found out that explaining these possibilities made men cringe in fear and women giggle uncontrollably… I am a sensual player and not a sadist. I don’t do CBT but perhaps an ‘Emotional CBT’ workshop is in my future!

I brought M0j0D4ddy to Montreal to learn more about him and see him in action. After my organiser task was over I still had a whole week of time to spend with him. I also got to spend quality time with my mentor Lady Viktoria whom I had not seen much of since she moved back to Toronto.

I was extremely fortunate to have a meeting with George and Enza of Northbound Leather, promotional partner of some of our workshops in Canada. I saw the whole building including the design and manufacturing area. What a treat it was to see the Leather/Fetish Mecca of Canada. I went to a sex toy and education party with Lady Viktoria where I was able to observe 10 vanilla girls in their early twenties discuss sexuality as they know/live it. This fascinated me as I live in kinky/sex 2.0 minset 24/7. I met a few hot guys but was completely taken by surprise by all the hot chicks that came on to me! I made a few connections that I know will be life changing.

M0j0D4ddy and I surprised and shocked each other in many ways and that allowed us to really understand each other in person and in context. Because I scheduled him all day long, every day, I was worried that we would not find enough one-on-one time but we did. We made a lot of headway in discussing what D/s dynamic is most appropriate for us. I cannot explain it right now, it is for lack of a better word… peculiar. I don’t consider myself a classic Domina because I always prioritize what a partner needs over what I want.  Again, I say partner because I do not waste my time on submissive men who have no ambition or purpose other than to crawl at my feet. I may let you lick my boots for 20 minutes but I get my fix from being served by powerful ambitious knights and Kings. Such endeavors require sophisticated and compassionate emotional work and I grow as a person from that process. For 10 days I treated M0j0D4ddy to what he wanted, some of which most people would not be able to orchestrate, and I observed and discovered exactly who he is. Now I know what he needs. But now it’s my turn to get what I need and so I will enjoy that for the next little while.

In closing here is a bit of eye candy with some mostly nekkid M0j0d4ddy! I enjoyed watching him get all those bruises through 8 of his 12 hours of fight training. He decorates very well but I didn’t have to break a nail to find out… though I almost broke a toe nail giving him the biggest bruise of them all while applying what I learned in his self-defense class (bottom left in last picture.) Pictures of us wrestling are on my Bitty FetLife profile.

I cannot say that I have had the opportunity to work on something so engaging in the past few years as this weekend of workshops. Okay so organizing e-learning and in person workshops for Big Pharma was exciting too but not naughty.

Who knew that being sex obsessed for the past 25 years, paying attention to Martha Stewart (and practicing) for the past 20 years and doing project management and Web for the past 15 years and allowing myself to do more of what I love to do for the past 5 would lead to this.

This is four and a half months in the making for M0j0D4ddy and I who had a missed connection in 2006. I often wonder what would have happened had we talked back then. Would we have hit it off in an instant as we did back in November?

In retrospect this has been a very laboured process of us getting to know each other remotely. I have known dozens of people in a very virtual way since the olden days of Fidonet (1991) but I never worked at it to intently create a long-term relationship. Sure, the Bearded DiCaprio and I met on Lavalife in 2004 BUT it’s the exception that confirms the rule as online dating and I don’t mix. While I lived my plentiful love life blissfully and in peace for almost 5 years since my last monogamous long-long-term relationship, the world of Social Media has brought something new to my door: unrequited third party meddling and gossip. It is quite the window into the underbelly of BDSM steeple wars and power trips! For this I take a page from the book of John Stewart, no not the one about American history (a fine read) but the one about looking at the world attentively and picking out the important stuff and… perhaps talking about it in an informative yet humorous manner.

But in the meantime, I work on delivering an informative yet humorous workshop on a completely random topic. Cock Bondage is the inside joke that has gone international as people have reserved from the US and Ontario LOL I think that by giving a class on tying up a guy’s junk I will effectively cause people to refer to me as someone VERY serious about CBT when in fact the whole process is not painful (quite the contrary) and very intimate and loving. I promised John Baku I would not reffer to the whole male genital area as Junk anymore but I will pay my fine on Saturday at the FetLife Mixer!

I really look forward to hearing about how people react to this presentation and hope that they will enthusiastically gossip about it because I’m doing it again in Toronto!

I hope to see you there.

I’m old now, I should be more aware of how I deal with stuff. I noticed that when something bad happens, I am always the one that manages everyone until they feel better. And then it’s my turn to sit down and cry. But by then everyone else has moved on and I feel all alone. And it’s been like this for a few days now.

I am a very strict manager of drama and I never want to involve anyone else into it espescially if it CAN be contained and managed discreetly. And I am very proud to have been on top of all this drama for the past three weeks in a way that should prevent any more drama from popping up out of left field.

But I need a hug. SO I’ve scheduled myself ten, just to make sure it sticks.

All that being said, I am so looking forward to my upcoming event because it is coming together so well and it is very fun to have so many people write to me to tell me how much they are looking forward to meet M0j0D4ddy or see him again. I have people signing up AGAIN for the same classes they took 2 years ago! However since he is a constant student of martial arts his classes evolve with the latest techniques and all his students should continue to learn new skills every time around.

On Saturday I am going to see HeShe Kisses with Dukes of Drag at Sala Rossa (4848 St-Laurent) It’s the show of the year and they always make me laugh until I cry! I really want to go with LadyC. I mean I’ve been ‘dating’ her man and we haven’t even gone out together yet! Let’s make it fair!!

I haven’t written much lately because I have been doing write-ups for my event coming up in March. It is coming together very well. While this endeavor started as an excuse to spend time with M0j0D4DDY, whom I’ve been getting to know over the past three months, it is evolving into a swanky weekend affair which will leave us with little time to spend together!

I can’t do things half-assed, so I am going all out and using so many skills acquired from twenty years of work background in tourism, Web and project management to make Spring Fever a super fun, well put together, classy and naughty event. Last time M0J0D4DDy was here, in 2006 during the OutGames, he did not teach his BDSM workshops only his Modern Self-Defense for Women class and the ever popular Elegant Pain Compliance workshop. These are all workshops topics that have not been taught in Montreal yet so I am REALLY looking forward to them! And when I say looking forward I mean REALLY looking forward because I know the content and M0J0D4DDy is NOT a wallflower, it is going to be HARDCORE.

And I will be teaching Cock Bondage.  I heard someone say a few weeks ago “So and so told me you are the foremost expert in the world on Cock Bondage!” Well, thank you but a better description would be that I am the ONLY person in the world who has cared to do this craftily and document the process. My upcoming workshop is really a 90-minute long comedic presentation created to make people wince and giggle. Oh, it is going to be informative alright but it goes way further than that. It is the start of an EPIC event. It will make a wonderful intro to the next workshop, the Erotic Humiliation one. I haven’t even given my darn class yet and I am already booked twice more in Toronto!

Henceforth I will be known as the chick who ties up guys’ junk…

For the past month, on and off, I have been working on writing a sales documents to aim CJO’s self-defense classes to a college and university crowd. He teaches self defense for sexual situations that become non-consensual in the context of BDSM. He draws from 32 years of Aikido and now Systema to teach techniques to get out of chokes and fight back when minimally restrained.

If you have seen the last two James Bond movies, you may have noticed the strong emphasis on hand to hand combat (and parkour.) James Bond uses Systema extensively to fight while in handcuffs or in awkward positions and that includes the cool trick where he disables 4 guys in an elevator while going down just two floors. These are actual doable techniques that have been taught and used by KGB agents. Such techniques are the basis for a few of CJO’s classes.

At some point it became evident to me that his self defense class would work extremely well outside of the lifestyle. Therein lies the trick to making his teaching career his main and only occupation.

One out of 4 women of college and university age report being sexually assaulted. In over 95% of these cases the woman knew her attacker. Let’s face it, one can walk down dark alleys all they want, a woman is more likely to be raped by an acquaintance and in a situation where things may start out consensual but get out of hand. Throw in drugs and alcohol, peer pressure and bad judgment and you get a cocktail for disaster.

It’s easy to sell CJO to the BDSM crowd, most people already know him and I just have to lather on the sexy pictures of him and tweak the text to aim to a female audience (Basically a person like me.) I have done my research and re-written CJO’s documentation for a mainstream crowd and will soon see if it finds an audience. From the feedback I get from friends and the written feedback on his classes, they are quite pleasant and empowering. I look forward to learning all this myself. I can see quite clearly how this will catch fire once I can produce quality photos of his work and video and add Youtube and Facebook to the marketing mix.

I do find it very annoying though to sell self-defense classes to women and put the responsibility of assault protection on them when it is mostly men who assault to begin with. I have only found one article that addresses this issue and asks men to help prevent rape. However, how many guys are likely to read a long article on such a topic or even buy a book on the matter. If they don’t plan on doing it they don’t feel concerned and if they do well it will fall on deaf ears.

I live in a world where even the most extreme scenarios are possible provided they are negotiated, safe, sane and consensual. I am really curious to know what happens in the mind of young people, both male and female, as they wind up in sexual situations that becomes non-consensual. I am sure this can be prevented at some point through education of guys. So I am pondering the paradox of how to teach guys to understand the concept of consensuality in a modern world in a way that would make them sign up for the class in hordes.

Last night CJO and I were talking about a workshop he is revamping on how to find the right BDSM partnership. We folks have the added challenge of fishing in a much smaller pond. I find it hard because I encounter lots of Doms who are… not! So if there is a majority of sub and a minority of Doms and a lot of Doms are full of bullshit well, I am at a mathematical disadvantage. As a Domme, however, I can snap my fingers and choose from an assortment of adorable subs and it is really tempting! However, CJO and I are on the same quest of finding one compatible monogamous partner which may seem very traditional when vanilla and lifestyle peeps alike are pushing the boundaries of sexual ‘liberation’ even further. He said that he wanted to use me specifically as an example for his workshop of an ideal earnest sub who is most likely to find a successful BDSM relationship. I was floored, flattered, intrigued and surprised! I mean, CJO knows I fell in love with that other guy who never made due on any of his intentions, or plans with me. The guy who fucked up, admitted it and seems to tinker on the making up part but doesn’t and with whom I have had the most frustratingly vague and disastrous communication breakdown in my whole life. The guy I have gotten mad at over the past week. The guy I wish would send me a huge animated glitter text with bees that says “Buzz off!” so I can move on and stop hoping he will magically revert to his friendly self.

But of course this fact cannot erase the time that I have put into my relationship building with CJO. For over a month now I have been ‘working him’ in the same way I work most people whom I like and want to get to know. Geographical distance has made it possible for us to have this perfect old-fashioned courtship which is very pleasant. While no subject is taboo our interactions are intellectual and centered around non-sexual activities. I have found that he is the person he presents himself to be. He is no bullshit, no drama, very respectful, aims to please and generous with the praise and the feedback. I think some people have the image of a Dom or Master as a mean scary person however CJO is a confident charismatic leader who has that ’star quality’ that I find so endearing in all my friends. My most successful relationship to date sprung from an office romance because I was able to discover my ex-husband slowly (’slowly’ is the operative word here because our first conversation, in 1995, went like: “Can I have ROOT on that machine, I need to program a script.” to which he replied “No fucking way!” and hung up the phone.) But all that being said, there are more layers in BDSM than your average relationship and I have to wrap my head around the ‘Beast’ that CJO is. Did I mention something somewhere about lions?

But all this discussion about intently working on the intense relationship that one wants to have gave me a lot of ideas on how to ponder my paradox. I think it lies in what I have been doing all along in the past few years which it to teach and mentor Yoshi, who was 19 when we met, on what has turned out to be a path of strong sexual empowerment based on ethics and values. CJO started on this path at 19 as well and he’s turned into a total Invincible and all powerful sex god. That is who he intently works on being through skills, fitness, ethics and values. He doesn’t introduce himself as Batman though. I know this from the people who know him, love him and aggressively lust after him (quite entertaining.)

And look at me all happy to be helping him out with his project without him even specifically asking! But I certainly wouldn’t do it if he was an asshole in return. I am taking a page from the book of Samantha and Smith on Sex in The City and as long as he is up for the challenge then there is no end to the ideas and challenges I can pose to him whether he gets to benefit from them or I do!

I have to tell him about a idea of mine

I may not be available to drop by F4P for the next few months but I did take the time to put together this flyer. I think it looks fierce